These Words
by LINAxx
Summary: With no one to turn to, she turns to her words. They hold no judgement, no sympathy, only release, as she forms feelings into letters and letters into phrases. She's passionate about writing, and he's passionate about her.
1. Chapter 1: Lilly

**A/N: New Story! Yay! Hopefully this one will get a better response than the oneshot I posted up recently. Enjoy!**

These Words

Chapter One: Introduction to Darkness

"Lilly!" I could suddenly hear my best friend's voice in my ear. Although the hallways were crowded with students and the noise was chaotic, it was unmistakably hers. She stopped at the locker next to mine, putting in her combination and then pulling the door open.

"Hey Miley," I instantly replied to her. The words seemed so played out and rehearsed, but that was most likely due to the fact that this scene was a common one that happened after school five days of the week. I didn't even bother to turn to her, but instead continued to shove my books into my locker. Note to self: I really need to clean out my locker soon. All my binders were tossed into the bottom and there were a bunch of notes and papers along with my calculator from math last semester on the top shelf.

"Are you busy tonight? Because there's this..._thing_." The way she stressed the last word told me exactly what she was talking about- A Hannah appearance. How she ever became a famous popstar at thirteen I will never know. How she managed to keep it a secret all the way to Junior year (and counting) is even more of a mystery.

"I doubt Lola was even invited. Besides, I have class tonight." I answered her. Not only did I go to Seaview High five out of seven days of the week, but I also attended night classes at Malibu School of Art. See, as a kid, I was always the one doing those complicated macaroni portraits and it just kind of developed from there. Starting at the beginning of Junior year, my parents signed me up for classes four nights a week since Seaview's art programs could hardly be considered challenging for a third grader. I'm serious, last year I had visual art with Miley and she can't draw to save her life.

"Really? I thought your classes finished up last week?" She stopped what she was doing and leaned over to look past her locker door and at me.

"Me and Ben signed up for summer classes." By the way, Ben's my brother. He's a senior at Seaview and he graduates next week. Lucky for him, once he graduates he only has to come back for year end exams, I've still got another three weeks of classes.

"Speaking of Ben, where is he?" I rolled my eyes at Miley's question. She tried to play it off so causally but I knew. Miley had always had a bit of a crush on my older brother, and either she tried to make it obvious without saying it or she was just really bad at hiding it.

"Um," I looked up at her, raising an eyebrow in suspicion, "I don't know. Why?"

"Doesn't he usually meet you here for your class?" Again, she tried to play it off cool.

"No.." I dragged it out, my eyebrow still raised, "Class starts at six Miley. Its three."

"Oh! Yeah, uh, I knew that" She shrugged, going red and turning to her locker. As she shoved her books into her backpack I couldn't help but laugh. She was so obvious.

"So are you just naturally a tomato, or what?" She turned to me with a confused face, forgetting about the fact that she was severely blushing.

"What?" She asked. I only continued laughing when I caught sight of the questioning look mixed with her red face.

"Priceless." I muttered, still laughing and shaking my head.

"Lilly! Hey!" I looked up to him when I heard his voice. Well, actually, my eyes first shot over to Miley's face which seemed to be in mid-panic as she shot up from the ground to look in the mirror on her locker door and fixed her hair quickly.

"Hey Ben," I replied, turning back to my locker and slinging my backpack over my shoulder.

"Hey Ben," Miley greeted him as well in what she probably thought was a 'smooth' voice.

"Hi Miley," Ben added quickly as not to be impolite, but he basically ignored the poor girl. However, she continued to give him looks as if he were actually paying the slightest bit of attention to her.

"Look Lilly," He started, but I cut him off instead.

"Your driving us to class tonight right? Cause dad's meeting with a client tonight and mom's staying late at the office."

"She is?" Ben asked quickly, but seemed to catch the fact that he was off track, "Oh! Wait, Uh, speaking of class, I can't go tonight actually."

"What?" I asked, almost dropping the lock I was about to close, "How am I supposed to get there?"

"Uh, I don't know?" Ben asked. Wow, and to think I had said the same phrase just moments ago to Miley, "Walk?"

"Ben!" I complained, giving him an 'I-am-so-going-to-kill-you-look', "Do you even know how long that'll take me?"

"Ugh, fine, how about, I'll drive you, but I need to drop you off early." He compromised. I noticed Miley out of the corner of my eye still keeping a close watch on my brother and giving him what she thought were flirty looks.

"Fine," I sighed, agreeing, "Why are you skipping class any-" I tried to ask, but he cut me off yet again. I mean, I love my brother and all, but he really has to start letting me finish my sentences.

"I'll drop you off at around five fifteen alright? And could you get the notes for me? Thanks!" and without anything further he'd left me standing in the hallway.

"It's a studio class." Was all I could mutter before turning back to Miley. I was about to say something to her but she was still looking at the spot where Ben had been with a loopy smile on her face.

"Miley?" I asked, and she snapped right back.

"You guys are so close," Was all she said to me and I gave her the oddest look ever. It was a cross between 'are-you-retarded' and 'we-need-to-get-you-to-an-optometrist.' She immediately noticed the look I was giving her, deciphered it, and then responded to me. "I'm serious! All I ever say to Jackson is 'Ew, Gross' when he walks into the room." I couldn't help but snort.

"Yeah, Okay, whatever," I told her, rolling my eyes. I must be a great liar, because I couldn't have been further from the truth. I'd say 'Me and Ben are practically brother and sister' but we are. He's probably one of my closest friends. Just like all siblings, we have times when we don't get along and downright want to murder each other, but I love him just the same. He's only a year older than me, so we grew up doing basically everything together. He was the person that taught me to skateboard. He had learned when he was in fifth grade, and by the time I was in sixth, I was begging him to teach me. Whenever I fell, he was always waiting with a band-aid and a Popsicle, and most importantly the encouraging words that told me to get up and try again. He was everything I could have ever asked for in a brother and I would have done anything for him. But he really did piss me off sometimes, like now, when he's skipping our art class and making me wait for forty-five minutes outside of the building.

"So when are you going to tell him?" I asked Miley, a subtle smirk playing on my lips.

"Tell who what?" She turned to me, genuinely confused.

"Tell my brother that you're pretty much in love with him."

"What?!" She freaked. She must have opened her eyes twice their normal size and her jaw just about dropped to her feet, "I am not!" Okay, maybe I was exaggerating a bit on the whole jaw to feet thing, but she did look absolutely shocked.

"Oh please, you didn't expect me not to notice did you," I asked incredulously. I'm not sure exactly what that means, but it's a big word I learned in English that makes me sound smart. She just continued to look at me with the same jaw dropped expression., "The goofy smile. Also there's the fact that I learned that people _can_ go without blinking for several minutes." She just blushed harder as each word came out of my mouth.

"Okay, well," Miley started, glancing at me again with her beet red face, "Maybe I like him. But just a little!" I stared her down for a brief second before she cracked, "Or a lot?" She added rather shyly.

"And so it comes out, tomato-head," I laughed, nudging her. She only scowled at my nickname.

"It's not funny," She whined as the two of us walked down the road. Ever since the weather had gotten warmer me and Miley had started walking home from school together. We used to take rides from Ben, but when the sunshine came the both of us enjoyed our twenty minute walk. Unless it was scorching hot and we had to beg Ben to drive us. He always did, but he loved teasing us as he sat in the front seat with the air conditioner on high. Come to think of it, he always was a jerk.

"Oh, on the contrary, I find it rather hilarious." Okay, so I lied again. Remember that big word that I used to make myself sound smart? I do know what it means. I'm kind of an English ace. Not many people really know, probably just my parents since they're the ones that sign my report card. Well, unless you count the time that I forged their signature when my math was a sixty eight at mid-term. That was all me.

"Ouch! Miley!" I shouted on impulse. What kind of a best friend elbows you in the stomach? Not a good one, I tell you.

"Quit teasing me," She told me, glaring out of the corner of her eyes. Sensitive much? I hardly said a word to her! All I did was call her tomato-head and say that the situation was one of complete and utter hilarity.

"Okay, jeeze," I mumbled, still holding onto my stomach with one arms. Man, that girl can hit (elbow?) hard.

"You know how Ben's not going to class?" She asked me rather suddenly and randomly. I almost burst out laughing when I saw the tiny twinkle in her eye when she said his name. It was beyond me how anyone could like Ben in that way, but I guess that's because I'm his sister. He just acted like such a... brother though, and he could be so god damn annoying too. He did have a nice side though, so I guess the idea wasn't _totally_ out of the ordinary. Then again, how was he supposed to find time for a girlfriend? The guy was either in classes, shut up in his room with a canvas or MIA with his best friend Max. I don't think I've seen him invite a girl over in ages. Now that I think of it, he really does need a life.

"Yes, I'm aware," I grumbled. When I thought about class, I thought about me having to wait outside on the school's steps for forty minutes. That definitely wasn't a day dream of mine, especially since that's where the stupid upscale no-talent rich kids hung out. You know? The one's who went to Malibu School of Arts during the daytime because they could actually afford the tuition costs and didn't have to just take after hour art classes. Yeah, I hated those snobby brats. Cue eye roll.

"Well," Miley dragged it out, turning to me with a 'Please-please-oh-please' look. She hadn't even asked me yet and she was already giving me the puppy dog eyes. "I figured since Ben's skipping and you don't want to wait. Maybe, just maybe," She added a smile to her puppy dog eyes, "You could skip too and Lola could come to the con_cert_." The last word was in sing-song voice. How ironic, since I would be listening to singing all night. Wait? What?! Damnit! I was pretty much convinced. Stupid puppy dog eyes. I really need to learn how to do that, or better yet, I'll just do kitty eyes. That means I scratch yours out if I don't get what I want. I really do have the greatest ideas.

"Purple wig, or white?" I asked. She squealed. My face scrunched up immediately, I really should have been used to this by now, especially since I'm the one that's usually doing it. But mine was definitely more of an "EEEEEEPPP!" than the ear splitting screech Miley just let out. Oh, and in the midst of me loosing my hearing I hardy noticed that she'd jumped on me too. When did I announce free piggy back rides? Oh, I didn't? Yeah, that's what I thought.

"So who's fronting?" I asked, shrugging her off me as we reached my house. She told me it was a "Se_cret!_" in that stupid sing-song voice, and then I went to drop my bag off inside my house. While I was in there, I grabbed an apple out of the fruit bowl and took my keys off the counter top where I'd left them this morning.

"Ben! I'm leaving!" I yelled through the house. He was probably outside in the pool since the weather was so hot, but if he didn't hear me he'd realize I was out sooner or later.

"Looks like we're all set," I told Miley as she waited inside the front door for me. I shoved my key chain into my pocket and checked myself in the small mirror on the wall.

"You going somewhere?" Ben's voice came from somewhere behind me. I'm guessing it's the kitchen since the boy always has to have some kind of food being stuffed into his face. I'm starting to wonder how he doesn't get fat.

"Yep, to Miley's," I looked to her for confirmation, but I could have shot her in the foot before she responded to me. The poor girl was drooling. Okay, exaggerating again. So what if I'm good with hyperboles?! Turning around, I saw Ben in the kitchen (Like I didn't already figure that one) with just his swimming trunks on and a towel around his neck.

"Ben, put some clothes on before you make Miley dehydrated." I chuckled at my own joke, before Miley kicked me that is.

"_Funny Lilly_," She forced her laughter, a semi-angry look on her face. She tried to look normal but she was failing miserably. Ben just gave her an odd look along with, a long stretched out "Oooo-kay, sure." before walking out the sliding glass doors and to the pool.

"Nice going Captain obvious," I laughed, opening the door and leading her outside.

"He wouldn't have noticed anything if you hadn't opened your trap, missy." She fired back.

"Oh, I think the puddle below you made it quite obvious." Wow, she blushes a lot when we talk about Ben. She also elbows me a lot when we talk about Ben. I should probably stop teasing her about Ben if I'd like to keep my stomach in it's current position.

"So when we get to the venue, some press wants to talk to Lola," Miley told me. She still had annoyance in her voice. I should just go back to the days where I acted oblivious to her major crush on my brother. Those were good days, less painful days. "-And we don't want any mishaps like the last time people wanted to speak to you."

"Hey! How was I supposed to remember my fake sister that no one had brought up in two years?" I answered with a scowl. That had been a bad week. It had been my first Lola interview, and when asked how my siblings were, I told them my brother was fine. Then came "What about your sister?" and I was stupid enough to answer, "What sister?" It's not like Kikey Luftnagle was an easy name to remember, okay? Long story, short, for the next week after that Hannah was getting a million and one calls asking her to comment on the "Luftnagle family dispute" or "Lola and Kikey's sibling rivalry." How was I supposed to have a big blow out with someone that didn't even exist? Stupid Magazine articles and their lies.

"Don't worry, I briefed myself last night on all my family names. Kikey, Buddy, Mom, Dad. Alright, I think I'm good." I told her sarcastically. If you haven't caught on, sarcasm is a brilliant invention. A brilliant invention that I make very good use of, "Although, 'Dad' may be a little difficult to remember."

When we arrived at the venue, both me and Miley were dressed as our alter egos. We were late, since Miley takes forever to get ready. She looked basically like she did at every other Hannah event but with a different outfit. I'd gone with a dark purple _long_ wig. Yeah, you heard me, I can be versatile. Plus, maybe Traci won't call me grape-head anymore if my wig is less... rounded. I really should stop calling Miley tomato-head.

"So when do we meet the band that's fronting?" I asked. She had insisted it stay a se_cret_ until we got there. Yes, she _did_ say it in sing-song every time, and _yes_ it did get annoying.

"It's a-"

"Okay! I get it! Se_cret_!" I forced out the sing-song part. I don't sing, I'm terrible, lets leave it at that.

"Jeeze," She mumbled. "I'm on stage in ten, and then the guys should be off. I hope everything sounds alright since I missed sound check."

"You wouldn't have missed sound check if we hadn't gone through twenty minutes of 'Black boots? White boots? Black boots? White boots?" I snickered. Mmm, a snickers sounds so good right about now. Speaking of chocolate, why isn't there a chocolate fountain in this dressing room?

"Hey, where's the chocolate fountain?" I asked her, cutting off whatever sentence she had been saying that I hadn't been listening to. She sighed and told me that the boys would be in shortly, and so would the press. Then she left me alone in the room. Without a chocolate fountain, things really could get boring fast.

"Kevin! Open the door! I want chocolate!" Was the first thing that broke the silence. The first thing I thought was 'man, that kid has a whiny voice', the second was "Ooh, Sexy sexy!" Damn. It looks like I only thought one thing, because it just so happens that I said the second one out loud. Thank god Kevin was the only one who caught it. Kevin?! Oh God! I'm sitting on a couch that's in the same room as my favourite band. Don't EEEP Lilly, and don't hyperventilate.

"Where's the fountain!?" The 'whiny' one asked, his eyes darting around the room.

"If you find it, direct me to it please." The words fell out of my mouth.

"Aren't you grape-head?!" He finally noticed me. Shooting from his spot near the doorway over to the couch I was laying on.

"Apparently," I muttered, rolling my eyes, "Lola, actually."

"I'm Joe! Joe Jon-"

"I'm aware," I answered. For once I was actually keeping my cool. It could have been due to the fact that they were total normal boys who I did not have a major celebrity crush on, but I was pretty sure it was just because I was annoyed that Joe had just called me Grape-Head. Stupid Traci.

"Hi Lola," Nick smiled. At least he wasn't off the walls like the chocolate deprived road runner next to me. I shook his hand, as well as Kevin's when he introduced himself (Not that he really needed to). Our introductory session was then cut short when the press knocked on the door. Interview time, I better run those names by myself again.

"Lola! Hi," Some over excited blond lady with a tape recorder came waltzing in. She started freaking out when she saw the three boys in the room. I thought I was supposed to be interviewed? Not be subject to a blond bimbo who thinks if she says 'like' enough these boys will fall head over heels for her. As if.

"Ehem," I didn't even try and disguise it as a cough. I also rolled my eyes, so it was rather obvious. Joe caught sight of this and tried to hold in a laugh.

"Wow!" She _still_ wasn't over it. Someone get her a paper bag please, I swear, she's going to hyperventilate. "I wasn't expecting the Jonas Brothers too!" Actually, just put the paper bag on her head and save us all the trouble. "Oooh, Light bulb! We should do a double interview!" 'Oooh Light bulb'?! What the hell kind of retard says that? If it isn't obvious, this woman is dreadfully annoying.

"Uh," Was all the three boys could mumble out before they were forced down on the couch next to me and being pestered with questions. This interview was supposed to be about me, but I have yet to answer a single question. If they weren't so nice, I'd say they were attention whores.

"Can someone shove a cupcake in her mouth already?" I asked myself under my breath. However Joe's snort told me that he heard what I'd said and I looked over to find him still laughing. The two of us simply exchanged smiles. He also managed to catch the attention of the interviewer who was in mid-question with Kevin.

"What's so funny?" She asked. The funny thing was that she didn't ask it with annoyance or anything. She was genuinely confused. I guess she doesn't own a mirror. Maybe we should just play her voice back on her tape recorder, she's sure to laugh. Actually, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't even hear her voice on the tape recorder. Pitches as high as her voice surely cannot be recorded.

Luckily I was saved. My phone chose this exact moment to ring, and I shuffled around in my purse for the sidekick, all eyes on me. I couldn't understand why they were all watching me, it's not like I was about to do some sort of acrobat phone trick.

"Hello?" I answered, sighing with relief. I would say I was glad to have not had to do the interview, but this was clearly no longer my interview. I wonder what the bimbo would tell her boss when she handed her the Jonas article instead of one on LA Socialite Lola Luftnagle.

"_Lilly_?" My mother was on the other line. My first thought was that I was in trouble for skipping class but that thought was gone the second I heard my mom sob.

"Mom? Mom, what's wrong?" I didn't care that the reporter was probably going to write a bunch of stuff off of this phone conversation. I can just see it now 'Mrs. Luftnagle In serious trouble!' and then some bullshit story to follow.

"_It's Ben,_" I froze. Ben? What kind of trouble could he have possibly gotten himself into? He was the good kid. A little annoying, but good.

"Mom, what happened?" I was sure by now my posture had changed dramatically and my entire focus was on the phone. My heart was thumping in my chest and I was anxiously awaiting what she was about to say. If that kid had gotten himself arrested or something, I'd-

"_He- Honey, He's in a coma,_" I was sure in that moment my entire body shut down. I could hear my mom calling my name through the other end, but I didn't respond.

"Lola?" I could hear Joe ask from beside me, "What's wrong?" and his hand touched my upper arm. The phone slid from my grasp and crashed to the floor, and then the tears began to slide down my cheeks.

"No, no no nonono No!" I yelled frantically, bursting into life, "No! This can't be happening!" I pushed myself from my seat on the couch, grabbing at my purse, but forgetting about the phone on the ground. Joe stool along with me but I pushed past him in a panic, reaching the door just as Miley came through.

"Lola?" Her eyes widened, "What happened?" Her gaze flickered back and forth between my face, the Jonas', and the interviewer standing there.

"It's my brother, he-" And I didn't even finish the sentence before I ran, and I didn't stop once.

**A/N: Review! Also, possible pairings are _Loe, Nilly, _and a slim chance and Levin. Vote for the one you'd like it to end up, but there will be hints of all three throughout the story.**


	2. Chapter 2: Ben

**A/N: I was floored by the reviews. Fifteen wow. Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed, to everyone who put this on alert, and to everyone who's already favourited it. You guys are amazing. This chapter is mainly based around Ben and doesn't have much of the cannon characters in it, but I wanted to show the other side of things.**

**Ps. Ages are:  
****Lilly/Miley/Oliver/Nick- 17  
****Ben/Max-18  
****Joe-19  
****Kevin-21**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything besides the plot. **

These Words

Chapter Two: Entering the Abyss

The clock was ticking louder than ever and I could hardly concentrate. Less than ten minutes and class would be over, unfortunately. You don't hear too many people say that now-a-days, and usually I wouldn't be saying it either. Except today school was bound to be the better part of the afternoon.

"Ben?" I snapped my head up when I heard my name. It seemed oddly loud for the quiet room. Actually, now that I'm paying attention, why isn't the teacher talking?

"Yeah?" I mumbled back, glancing over my shoulder. Max was leaned over his desk slightly, probably so he could talk without being heard. He just tapped my shoulder, and by habit I reached up to grab the note without even looking back. We usually just talked in every other class but it would have been pretty noticeable today since you could probably hear a pin drop.

I subtly and quietly opened the note and laid it flat out on my desk. _Your Gay._ Oh wow, your kidding me right? And the point of this was? I shook my head, glancing back at who I regretfully called my best friend. He was laughing. He was also immature. I picked up my pen which had been discarded to the side of my desk at the beginning of the period and scribbled back to him on the same paper. _At least I don't have the hots for my sister's best friend._ I expertly handed him the note back and waited for what I knew was coming, a smile on my face as I tried not to chuckle. Then he kicked me under the desk and it became extremely hard not to burst out laughing.

Looking back, I saw the scowl on his face and he had leaned back in his chair with his arms crossed. I gave him a sarcastic smile and he sunk even lower, glaring at me. Then I heard the thing I least wanted to. _Ringggg_.

I grabbed my International Law binder and my glasses case. Unfortunately bad eyesight ran in the family. Fortunately, I didn't have it nearly as bad as Lilly and my Dad. Dad always had to wear his glasses unless he wanted things to be blurry. Lilly on the other hand was pretty much legally blind without hers. Last summer when she ran out of contacts and Mom couldn't get her more until the next week she had refused to wear her glasses. I'll admit it was kind of funny watching her slam her face into the banister. Come on, who doesn't laugh when someone gets hurt? If we didn't, America's funniest Home Video's would be a ten minute show instead of an hour.

"Your giving me a lift home, right?" Max asked from my right.

"Yeah, sure- Oh shit, actually, can you meet me by my car in fifteen minutes?" I looked to him, and he nodded, adding 'yeah, sure.'

"Good. Cause I actually have to talk to Lilly," I almost walked away, but I turned back to him, "No, your not coming with me so you can see Miley." His face fell a little and I shook my head as I walked away toward the English hallway where Lilly's locker was. Of course she has to pick a locker in the absolute most crowded hallway. Stupid freshmen were everywhere, and they just _had_ to stand in the middle of the hallway too.

"Lilly! Hey" I yelled, walking up to her. Or rather, I tried to maneuver my way through the mosh pit of a hallway.

"Hey Ben," Was all she said to me. She slung her backpack over her shoulder and continued what she had been doing. Her friend on the other hand should be on the track team. I don't think I've ever seen someone get up from the floor that fast. Why do girls even have mirrors in their lockers? Miley must be really vain if she likes to look at herself that much.

"Hey Ben," Miley said. She said it in the weirdest voice ever too. She has some serious speech problems.

"Hi Miley," I added quickly. I may not be too fond of my sister's friends, but at least I'm polite. Unlike my sarcastic sister, who comments on just about everything. Okay, maybe not everything, but whatever she doesn't comment on, I know she's saying something in that dark, evil head of hers.

"Look Lilly-" I _tried_ to say, but of course Lilly thinks everything she says is so important. In other words, she basically cut me off. I hate it when she does that.

"Your driving us to class tonight right? Cause dad's meeting with a client tonight and mom's staying late at the office." What? Mom never says late at the office! What am I supposed to eat for dinner?! I can't cook!

"She is?" Was the first thing out of my mouth. Lilly must be lying because Mom would have told me before she left this morning for work. Mommy always tells me when she's going to be home, that way I know if I should order pizza. Maybe we should just get Chinese tonight- No wait, damnit! I'm off track.

"Oh! Wait, Uh, speaking of class, I can't go tonight actually." I told her. Shrugging one shoulder lightly. This conversation had better hurry up or Max'll be pissed I made him wait. To add to it, I still have to get to my locker, which luckily isn't in this hallway. Then again, I still have to get _out_ of this hallway.

"What?" She screeched at me. Okay, maybe not so much screeched, but she had that look on her face that said I was in trouble. I don't see why though, since it doesn't matter much that I won't be in class, she'll still be there. "How am I supposed to get there?" Oh, thats why.

"Uh, I don't know? Walk?" I said nonchalantly. I, frankly, did not care how she got to class. I had places I needed to be, and class wasn't one of them. Crap. I still hadn't finished that painting and I was supposed to ship it out today. That person off Ebay'll be pissed they didn't get their painting on time. Speaking of that, I need to put that check in the bank. Speaking of the bank, I'd better empty what I can out of my account before I see Billy today.

"Ben!" Wow, what a complainer. An hour and a half is _not_ that long to walk. Okay, maybe it is, but I don't think her getting to art on time is nearly as important as where I have to be. "Do you even know how long that'll take me?" I really wanted to say 'Yes, and I don't care,' but I'm not that mean. Really! I'm not! Besides, she was my little sister, and I didn't want her getting into any kind of trouble along the way. Knowing Lilly, that was bound to happen. Also knowing the kids in the neighborhood and what Lilly thought of them, it was almost confirmed.

"Ugh, fine, how about, I'll drive you, but I need to drop you off early." I tried to compromise. If she didn't say yes, she was walking, that was it. Now, all I have to do is calculate how early I'll need to drop her off. It's a fifteen minute ride downtown from our house, twenty minutes to the art school from our house. So that's what? Forty minutes there and back to get Lilly to school, fifteen minutes to get downtown, and I need to be downtown at six. So carry the two, divide by three? Uh, let's just say five fifteen. I was never any good at math anyways.

"Fine," She agreed. I looked down at my watch to see how much time I'd wasted. Crap. Max is going to be mad. "Why are you skipping class any-"

"I'll drop you off at around five fifteen alright? And could you get the notes for me? Thanks!" I yelled to her, taking my eyes off my watch and trying to shove my way out of the mob these people call a hallway. I thought I'd heard Lilly say something as I was leaving but I brushed it off. I wasn't about to go back and find out, especially not with the creepy way Miley stares at me. Is it just me or does she need to see an optometrist? Do her eyes freeze up spontaneously or something?

I got to my own locker, put the combination in as quickly as I possibly could and then shoved my books inside. I grabbed my English binder because we always had homework in that class, whether or not I could remember what it was. I grabbed my backpack off the hook and slung it over my shoulder. I didn't even bother to put the binder into it, I just held onto it, locking the lock on my locker and then taking off down the hallway to the parking lot. Thank god my locker wasn't on the second floor or I probably would have tripped down the stairs. So sue me, I'm clumsy alright?

"Max! Hey!" I came up next to my friend. He didn't seem to notice that I was late because he was so busy texting. Me and Max had been best friends since I don't even know when. I remember I hated him back in third grade, but by fifth the two of us were like brothers.

"Hey man," Max mumbled, not even taking his eyes from the screen of his iPhone. Personally, I didn't see what was so great about an iPhone. Me and my sister both had sidekicks, mostly because that was our Christmas present and one of our Dad's clients hooked him up with a good plan. Besides, sidekicks were better anyways.

"Melissa just texted me about this huge party she's having tomorrow night. You in?" He asked as he climbed into the passenger seat of my Ford truck. Okay, so it wasn't really _my_ truck. Techincally it was my dad's, but since both he and mom took their cars to work and never used it, it was practically mine. Besides, anyone with a brain would have to know it wasn't really mine. What kind of eighteen year old kid can actually afford a brand new truck with surround sound and leather interior? I love my parents and their jobs. Actually, my parents make me wonder how an accountant and a paralegal could have kids like me and Lilly. They've never picked up a paintbrush in their life.

"Small party or house party?" I asked, pulling out of the parking space and then out of the lot.

"I said huge party didn't I?" He asked as if I was mentally challenged.

"Would you _like_ to get out, Max?" I asked back, irritated. Today was not a good day to mess around.

"Woah, someone's in a mood," He answered, leaning back into the seat with his eyebrows raised. "All things aside, you going?"

"I don't know," I told him, eyes on the road, "Depends. I've got some stuff to do tonight, and if it plays out right, then maybe."

"Stuff to do tonight?" Max asked, "Since when do you do anything?"

"Shut up, Max," I responded. He may be my best friend, be he is majorly annoying.

"No, seriously," He started up again. I rolled my eyes. "You never come to parties anymore like you used to. What's up?" He placed on foot up on his seat, the other still on the ground.

"Remove your feet from the leather," I told him sternly. Me and Max never really had these kinds of conversations. It was all jokes between us, nothing serious, and now, he had his 'i-want-answers' face on. He wanted something I wasn't ready to give him.

"My bad," He mumbled, rolling his eyes and crossing his arms. If he wanted to get annoyed with me, let him. I don't care. It's not like he really knows half the stuff that's going on with me anyways.

"Let it go, okay?" I asked him. Even if he was annoying, I still wanted us to be on good terms. He was the one person that would always stick by my side. Well, him and Lilly. I would never admit it, but Lilly was probably the most important person to me. She wasn't just my kid sister, she was my friend- best friend even. The two of us grew up together, and I think I admired her more than anyone else. Through the years she was never really popular and she had to deal with a lot of bullshit that I never had to. I've always wondered how she managed to keep a good head on her shoulders, how she managed to stay out of trouble. I happened to be her more popular older brother, and usually I didn't have much to deal with, and look at what I'd done to my life.

"Whatever man," Max mumbled, "If you don't want to tell me, that's cool. But don't think that I haven't noticed it. I've seen you talking to Billy in the halls lately,"

"So what?" I asked, shrugging. I'm really hoping the nervousness didn't come through in my voice. "I talk to Billy, big deal. So does half our school."

"I'm not stupid Ben," He told me annoyed. I thought he said if I didn't want to tell him it was cool? What a liar. I pulled up in front of his house before he could say another word, and he opened the door and climbed out.

"I'll call you later," I told him, and he just mumbled 'whatever' and turned to leave. I didn't wait another second to pull back onto the street and continue on home. Today was a tense day, and the pool sounded like an extremely good idea.

Less than five minutes later I had pulled into my own driveway, jumped out of the truck and raced upstairs. As I was changing into my swimming trunks I could have sworn I heard Lilly come in downstairs. I went out into the hallway closet to grab myself a towel and put it around my neck. It just occurred to me that I really need something to eat. On my way down the back staircase I heard Lilly yell something to me. And yes! We _do_ have two staircases. The one in the front living room was one of those spirally ones that were basically for aesthetics. The other one was in the back hallway and pretty much lead right into the kitchen. Don't even bother asking, our house is very confusing.

"You going somewhere?" I asked her, not even bothering to look up. My eyes were searching the fridge for anything that looked remotely appetizing. Speaking of food, I wonder what I should get for dinner? Chinese sounded awfully good while I was at school, but now I'm thinking I should order pasta from the restaurant downtown and pick it up on the way home. Yumm, food.

"Yep, to Miley's," Oh thank god. The two of them are leaving! I remember the last time Miley was over to swim in our pool. It was awkward to say the least. I don't understand why Miley doesn't just get her own pool. I mean, they have a house right on the beach so it's kind of obvious that they can afford it. She really needs to stop coming over here when I'm home. Don't get me wrong, she's a nice kid, and to tell you the truth, she's smoking hot, but I just can't get past that weird factor. The girl's eyes are all kooky and it seems like she's always staring off into space. Plus the fact that she stutters... a lot.

"Ben, put some clothes on before you make Miley dehydrated." Say what?! My eyes went a little wide. See, I told you! The girl was just plain weird.

"_Funny Lilly_," I heard Miley force out. I also heard her kick Lilly. I'd laugh if she wasn't such an oddball. Instead I just crinkled my eyes at her, and answered, "Oooo-kay, sure," and headed out to the pool. Sometime after, the two of them left because the house was pretty quiet. Well, until my phone rang. So I pulled myself out of the pool, rubbing my towel over my face and ten shaking my hair out. I pushed my hair out of my eyes and looked around for my sidekick. Note to self: I need to cut my hair. It's not like it's long or anything, but when it's wet its really annoying, cause it just flops into my eyes and well, yeah. Annoyance at its best.

"Hello?" I answered the phone, holding it in place with my shoulder as I dried off my torso.

"Hey, quick question," Stupid Max.

"Shoot," I answered, walking through the sliding glass doors and into the kitchen. Mom was going to kill me later when she stepped on the water trail and realized that I hadn't bothered to clean it up. Oh well, boy's will be boys. Or rather, Ben will be lazy. I really shouldn't talk in third person.

"You know Lilly?" He asked me.

"No, I don't" I told him sarcastically, rolling my eyes.

"Okay, shut up, obviously you do."

"Just get to the point Max."

"So, I was talking to Lilly earlier today at lunch, and she said something about your mom staying late at work. Since we all know you can't cook, my mom invited you over to eat at our place. Wanna?"

"Since when do you talk to my sister?" I asked him, raising an eyebrow even though he couldn't see it.

"Ever since you suddenly go missing at lunch and I take that opportunity to eat with her and Miley," Is it just me, or does that sound obsessive.

"You eat with my sister and Miley, the oddball, when I'm gone? Wow, you really have no social life."

"Hey! If Miley's an oddball, you should meet that Oliver kid,"

"Oh, I have, I have," I shuddered. My sister really did have strange friends.

"So deal?" He asked me, breaking me out of a horrible memory where Oliver once dressed up

my hamster in my sister's Barbie clothes. He may have been six but I will never get over it. He could have at least used the Ken doll clothes. My hamster was a boy!

"Huh? Oh, no can do. I've gotta go downtown at six. Besides, I'm ordering pasta for pick up on the way home."

"From Romero's?"

"Yep. You ever had their food?"

"Yes! Mind if I tag along?" No way did he just ask me that. What was I going to tell him now? I like to drive around and do nothing all by myself and then eat my food alone? I needed a better excuse than that one.

"Uh, I- Um," I mumbled, running things through my head. Nothing actually good enough to say was coming to me, so on impulse I accidentally said, "Sure." Damnit. This is worse than the night I was expecting. And the night I was expecting was definitely hell.

I picked up Max from his house an hour later. It was five thirty now, and I had already guessed that Lilly was skipping class too when she hadn't been home by five. Oh well, better for me. On the way down I stopped at the bank. I had better tell Max now what's up, before he starts questioning me when I come out of there with a ton of money.

"Look, For the next hour, I need you to not ask questions, okay?" I told him. I'm pretty sure my eyes said it all. He just looked at me, shocked, and nodded. I unbuckled my seatbelt and went inside the bank. If I was him, I'd probably think I was about to rob it. Don't worry, I didn't. I just went to the ATM thing, put my card in, and completely emptied out my account, except for a few measly dollars. When I got back to the car carrying what must've been about two thousand dollars in twenties Max's eyes were beyond wide

"Relax, I didn't steal anything," I told him, and his eyes shrunk back a bit

"But-" He started. I cut him off.

"I said, don't ask questions. It's complicated." I then tossed him my cell phone and told him to call Romero's and order a Pasta for myself and whatever else he wanted for pick up at around six forty five. When he finished the call we were just pulling into a back parking lot. Max had the most confused face on, and he turned to me asking a silent question. I didn't answer him back though.

"Here's the keys," I took them out of the ignition and handed them over to him, "If something happens, take the car and go." It didn't matter if he was annoying, or if he was pushy at times, he was still my very best friend. And whether or not he knew what was going to happen, I was sure he could hear the urgency in my voice because he took those keys within a second. His eyes were still confused, but he didn't say a single word, only nodding to me.

I slammed the door shut and made my way around the building, out of sight. There was an ally there, and I knew the place way to well. I walked down it and then turned another corner to find the person I was looking for. Usually we didn't meet this far back away from the parking lot, but now that it was summer and the sun was staying out much later, he didn't want anyone to see what was going on.

"Here," I started, pulling out all the cash from a bag I had placed it in, "It's two thousand. I promise." He greedily took the money, and I could swear my hands were shaking. My heart was racing, and if it went any faster I was almost positive I'd have a heart attack. In school he was so easy to talk to, but back here, my nerves were wracked and there was fear clear in my eyes. I guess it was because in school, I knew he couldn't touch me. Out here, there was nothing to stop him.

"You owe three thousand, Benny." He sneered, calling me by my much hated nickname.

"I know, but I just don't have that much right now. I can get it to you soon, I promise. I just have to sell a few more paintings and I can have the next thousand to you in a couple weeks."

"Benny, Benny, Benny. I told you last month to have this money to me. I can't keep giving you extensions. I asked for the money, and I expected you to bring it to me. Two thirds is not good enough."

"I know, but-"

"No buts, Benny." This was way out of my comfort zone. If you hadn't already guessed, Billy was the person standing across from me in this dark ally. And if it wasn't obvious, Billy's a dealer- a dealer I hadn't paid yet.

"Look, I don't know what you want me to do, but I don't have the money right now. I can get you the money soon, or you can have whatever else you want, okay?" I tried to make a compromise.

My eyes flickered to the direction of the parking lot where Max was waiting. I knew I'd have to explain this all to him as soon as I got out of here. I'd managed to hide it from everybody for these last couple months, but now It was suddenly going to come out. I had always told myself to quit before I got myself into a situation like this, but Billy had never been harsh or demanding with me. I thought that he would have cut me some slack because I wasn't used to dealing with actual dealers.

"Your sister."

"What?" I asked, snapping back to attention.

"You don't have the money, so I want Lilly."

"Woah, No. No way." I flat out told him. I knew what he did to girls, and I loved my sister far too much. She was better than that, and I wouldn't let him hurt her.

"You don't have a choice, do you?" He countered.

"I don't care. You can't have Lilly. She's better than this."

"She's hot, and she'll bring in a thousand a lot faster than you will."

"Fuck you." And without another word, I turned away from him. I wasn't going to stand there and listen to him talk about my sister like that. She didn't deserve to be brought into this.

"Don't walk away from me Benny." I turned around, ready to smash his face in, but he had a gun in his hand now. My body froze, and I stared at it. Never in my life had I thought I would be staring into the barrel of a gun.

"Either you get me Lilly, or-" I didn't even bother letting him finish his sentence. I already knew what he was going to say, and I already knew that I would protect Lilly.

"No." I told him, my eyes never met his but I knew he could tell I was serious.

"Fine then." I gave up everything for her, and I never once regretted it. And then the darkness came.

**A/N: I hope the chapter was still good even if it was mainly OC's. So far, for pairings, Loe is in the lead. I'll have decided by chapter four though. ps. Check out these drawings I did on my profile and tell me what you think. Don't forget to Review! :)**

**Also, just warning you. Updates will most likely _not_ come this quickly for future chapters. Starting monday, my schedule becomes hectic again.**


	3. Chapter 3: Lilly

**A/N: Again, loving the reviews. I wrote this one last night and I just couldn't wait to post it. I'm actually _really_ into this story, so the updates are coming _a lot_ quicker than I thought they would. Special thank you to Peaceloveejonas, I'm glad you liked the drawings : . Note: In this chapter I was trying to show Lilly's 'mood swings' because she isn't sure how she's supposed to feel. I hope it came through all right because I wasn't sure about it. **

**Disclaimer: Blah blah, don't own. Yadda yadda, don't sue.**

These Words

Chapter Three: Internal Meltdown

I could hardly see where I was going, but that was about to change in about three point two seconds. I slammed open the door leading to the back parking lot and was meet with Hannah fans and paparazzi. I had to shield my eyes from all the goddamn flashing as they took pictures. Couldn't they leave a girl alone for five minutes? Instead of answering any of their questions I shoved past them all, nearly being mobbed in the process. Somewhere along the way my flats had come off and I was now running to the street bare foot. I just hope my wig had stayed on.

"Taxi!" I tried to stutter out, waving my arm, the paparazzi _still _snapping pictures. I guess it didn't really matter much that the blond bimbo interviewer hadn't gotten much of a story out of me since just about every one else was getting one right now. I can just see tomorrow's tabloids with my face plastered all over it.

"Lola! What happened to Buddy?" Apparently people had already heard the news. I wasn't sure how they had already found out since I had only gotten the call less than five minutes ago.

"Is it true that Buddy was kidnapped?"

"Could you please-"

"No fucking Comment, Okay?" I screamed without thinking as a yellow taxi cab pulled up next to me. I was pretty sure I was still crying, but I didn't waste time in wiping my tears away. I knew that the second I had wiped my cheeks, new ones would be there as replacements. How was I supposed to keep a dry eye when my stupid brother was in a stupid coma?

"Just drop me off at Evergreen, Please," I told the cab driver, sniffling. Even though I was in a bad situation, I still had a cool head on my shoulders. I asked the driver to drop me off three streets away from my own so I wouldn't have press on my street for weeks on end.

"Miss Luftnagle?" The driver's voice broke through my thoughts. I looked up with my teary eyes to meet his solemn smile. We were sitting at a red light, so I nodded to him as if to tell him to continue. I figured that he'd heard some of what the press was saying through the windows and was going to offer some sort of comforting word.

"Was Buddy really kidnapped?" Your kidding me? I'm in the back seat of this guy's cab, crying my eyes out after getting bad news about my brother and all wants is a word to sell to the next teenage magazine.

"Just drive." I growled, glaring at him through the rear-view mirror. He seemed to get the idea because he didn't look back again, nor did he try to say another word. We just drove in silence until he reached Evergreen. When he stopped the car on the corner I jumped out as quickly as I could and tossed several bills at him. "Keep the change," I told him and I took off running again. I didn't go straight for my street either, instead I ran up Evergreen until I saw Melissa Growen's house. She was one of my brother's friend Max's friends so I didn't think she would mind if I cut through her yard. I ran into her backyard, hopped her fence and then went through someone else's back yard before coming out on the next street. From there I just ran directly to my house on the next street over.

"Mom?!" I yelled as soon as I came into the door. She just had to be here, otherwise I didn't know what I was going to do. I needed to get to wherever Ben was before I broke down and thought the worst possible thing. "Mom, where are you?!" I yelled again, running up the staircase in the living room. If in any other situation my mom would have killed me for getting the stairs so dirty.

"Mom?" I yelled again. I checked all the rooms but the house was empty. I stopped in the middle of the hallway and I could hear myself let out a wretched sob. Then, suddenly, I heard the sound of Ben's truck in the driveway. Neither of my parents cars sounded like that, so I knew it had to be him.

"Ben?!" I screamed, running to the the railing that looked over the living room and front entrance. When the door opened, Max was the one who came through.

"Where's Ben?!" I almost broke down right there and then. I needed to see my brother. I didn't care how annoying he was, or how I hated when he wouldn't drive me anywhere. I didn't care that he teased me constantly, or that he could be the most insensitive jerk. I loved him because he was my brother, and no matter what, he always would be. Without him I would have never learned to skateboard, and without him, I would still have the macaroni pieces stuck to my fingers. Okay, maybe not the last one, but that's not the point. The point was that I couldn't loose him.

"Lola Luftnagle?!" Was the only reply I got. Shit. I had forgotten to take off the wig and change.

"Max, where's Ben?!" I asked him, running down the stairs as fast as I could without tripping. He stood frozen in the doorway, wide eyed and just staring at me. Now I knew how Ben felt whenever Miley was in the room.

"You-You know my name?" He asked, still staring at me.

"Yes! It's Max! Where's _Ben_?!" I asked, shoving him out of his trance. Now was _not_ the time for a celebrity freak out.

"He's-Uh, He's..." He trailed off. I think in that moment he forgot all about the fact that LA Socialite Lola Luftnagle was standing in front of him. His eyes became darker, and his face dropped. His eyes went to the floor, and I could have swore I heard him sniffle. I grabbed onto his shoulders, pushing him against the wall. Me and Max were never really close friends, but I knew he and Ben were inseparable.

"Please," I whispered, choking back a sob. I swallowed the lump in my throat and waited for him to look up at me. I needed him to see that I was Lilly, and I needed him to take me to see Ben.

"I- I'm sorry. I need to find Ben's sister, Lilly." I don't think he ever wondered how 'Lola' had gotten into my house, nor did he see that the person he was looking for was right in front of him.

"Max, I _am _Lilly!" I tore off the wig, and his head instantly snapped up to see if he was either hearing things, or having some vision of Lola Luftnagle. He was probably confused when he saw me in Lola's place with her exact outfit on and a long purple wig clenched in my fist.

"Where's Ben?" I asked him again. I'm almost certain he could see both the fear and the urgency in my eyes because I wasn't making any effort to hide it. I didn't have the strength to hide it from him, let alone anyone. This was my brother we were talking about, and he meant the absolute world to me.

"Heath- I mean, your mom. She told me to come get you," He forced out, his eyes never left mine. I could tell he was just as afraid as I was. I didn't even bother to change out of my Lola outfit before I had found myself in the passenger seat of Ben's truck with Max driving. We were on the way to the hospital and Max was trying to tell me everything he could remember.

"Your mom, she's there," He told me. I was curled up on the seat with my seat belt on in an odd way. My head was on the window, and my eyes were still leaking out tears. I tried to nod, but I couldn't. I was glad he didn't wait for a response, because I knew I wouldn't be giving him one anytime soon. My body was almost immobile. I had been in such a panic and such a rush before that I hadn't been able to stay still. Now that I had calmed down, thoughts were running through my head. They were horrible, terrible thoughts and it scared me. I was terrified to reach the hospital and hear the news on my brother. I was so afraid of what they would tell me.

It seemed like it had taken both seconds and forever when we reached the hospital. I couldn't decide whether to run in and see him, or to take my time until I heard the results. All I wanted was for him to be safe. All I wanted was for him to be at home, putting temporary hair dye into my shampoo, forgetting about it, and then using it on himself the next morning. Max broke through my thoughts when I felt his hand grip mine. He pulled me out of the truck and lead me to the doors marked 'Emergency.' Neither of us had any feelings for each other, but I needed him to lean on for these small moments, at least until I could see my parents.

It occurred to me that Max had probably been here before because he was leading me down several hallways towards a small waiting room. It was empty except for my mother. My dad was probably still in a meeting with his client and had his phone off.

"Mommy?" I squeaked. If I hadn't known better, I wouldn't have even thought it was my own voice. Her eyes looked up from the ground and met mine. Before I knew what I was doing, I had detached myself from Max and had run into my mother's arms. I no longer felt like the seventeen year old I had been earlier that day. I felt like some scared six year old who needed her mother to protect her.

"Mommy, is he okay?" I cried. Her hand was running over my head, and it was calming me down. My arms were wrapped around her, trying to hold on. I was grasping at whatever I could get a hold of, because I wanted to keep everyone that much closer.

"I-I don't know, sweetheart," She whispered into my hair, "He's in critical condition, but he's stable.. for now." She would never know how much it killed me to hear the last two words. For now? How long was that? An hour? A day? A Month? I couldn't bear the thought of Ben laying here for longer than that.

"Ehem," A doctor coughed from behind us. I reluctantly let go of my mom and glanced over at Max who was standing awkwardly next to us.

"We have news on Benjamin Truscott," My mother immediately stepped forward and I slinked back towards Max. The look on the doctor's face told me everything I needed to know. Somehow my hand tangled back into his but neither of our eyes left the doctor's face. Time seemed to slow down in that moment, and the news seemed to take excruciatingly long. Couldn't she just spit it out? We were already in enough suspense. If she was going to tell us he was dead, she might as well save me the uncertainty.

"Miss Truscott, blood tests on your son revealed trace amounts of both methamphetamine and benzoylmethylecgonine. Were you aware of this?" My mother's eyes were scrunched up and she looked really confused. To be honest, I didn't have a clue what the words even meant. I turned to Max and he had his head down, shaking it as if he could hardly believe what he'd just heard.

"I-What?" My mother asked, looking back up to the doctor. The doctor sighed, looking down at the clip board in her hand and asked my mom to take a seat. My mom sat down in one of the plastic blue chairs and the doctor followed, sitting next to her. Me and Max stood standing still, opposite them. Max looked as though he already knew what the doctor was about to say, but I was still confused.

"Miss Truscott, your son's been taking Meth and Cocaine." My mom just about lost it, and I could say the same for myself. The damn doctor was a liar. Ben would never ever do something so flipping stupid. I know he wouldn't. I know him. He was my brother and I would have noticed it, I would have seen it if he was doing coke.

"Liar," I spat. I didn't even bother to say it quietly. I wanted her to hear me. I wanted her to know that I didn't believe anything she was going to tell me about Ben. Max's grip on my hand tightened, and my eyes only narrowed. Ben was already in a coma, he didn't need these people telling lies about him.

"Excuse me?" What a whore. She acted like she was shocked. Well she should be, since I uncovered her _lies._

"Ben would _never_ do that." I hissed. She looked to my mother for some kind of help, but other than that she did nothing. "Excuse me for knowing my brother wouldn't be on _cocaine_. No doubt _you_ are though." I scoffed.

"Lilly, that's enough." I couldn't believe my mom was taking _her_ side. Did she not even know her own son?

"You actually believe her?!" I yelled, "Ben's not a druggie, mom, I'd know."

"Lilly, calm down." Suddenly Max's voice was in my ear. I hadn't even realized he'd pulled me closer to him. I also hadn't realized I'd started crying like a water fountain again. My vision was fuzzier than usual, and my contacts were irritating my eyes. I could do nothing but break apart. When I fell to the ground, Max fell with me. If Ben couldn't be there, at least someone was.

"Lilly, it's okay," He told me. I wasn't used to being this close to him. He was Ben's friend, not mine, but I appreciated that he was taking care of me. I guess he felt obligated to since Ben was in a coma.

"I wanna see Ben." I whined. I could see my mom look at the Doctor, and the doctor was just about to shake her head 'no' before I screamed again, "I NEED TO SEE HIM!" If the waiting room hadn't been empty, all eyes definitely would have been glued to me.

Reluctantly, the liar of a doctor lead my mom and me to Ben's room. Max wasn't allowed to go in, but he stood by me as I waited patiently at the door. Okay, so I wasn't exactly patient, but can you blame me? I'm surrounded by liar doctors who are telling me my own brother is a meth addict. I needed to see Ben. I needed to see his face and his stupid blond hair, and I just needed him to hold my hand.

"Ben?" The words left my lips as I entered his hospital room. My mom didn't follow me in, it was only me. If I had been expecting some kind of answer from him, every expectation left my body when my eyes saw him in that bed. The stupid doctors hadn't even cleaned him up. His blond hair was still bloody in some places, and he had a large white bandage wrapped around his forehead. His face was covered in bruises and cuts, and from what I could see, so was the rest of his body.

"Ben..." It slipped out of my mouth again as my feet shuffled against the tiles. I was still bare foot and I hadn't noticed it until this moment. The rest of the world seemed to blur away from me, but he remained in perfect focus. I will never forget what it was like to see my older brother lying in that bed. I will never forget the emptiness that I felt in my soul.

"No," The sound didn't even sound like it was coming from my own lips, "You're okay, you have to be okay." When he didn't respond, didn't speak or even blink, all the hope inside of me died. I could hear someone enter the room, but I didn't dare tear my eyes away from him. I was so afraid I would miss something.

"He's dead, isn't he?" I asked. It never occurred to me that if he was dead he would be in the morgue. The only thought that was running through my head was that he wasn't moving, he wasn't blinking. My eyes didn't take notice of the many wires that were connected to his body, all I could see were the bruises.

"He's in a coma, honey." I recognized the voice of the liar doctor. I didn't have the strength to even begin to put her in her place. I only nodded, choosing to believe that over him being dead. My feet guided me closer to the bed until I was right next to him. I wanted to reach out and touch him, to see if this was all real.

"Can I?" I asked. My head turned quickly, and I stole a glance at her. She only nodded, seemingly understanding what I was asking. When my hand reached out to touch his the first thing I remember noticing was how cold it was. This wasn't my Ben. My Ben was full of life, and always pranking me. My Ben wasn't a cold comatose patient. I hadn't even realized I was still crying until I saw my tears fall onto his arm. His cold, bruised, arm.

"What happened to him?" I asked. When I got no response, I turned to the doctor, only to find I was alone in the room again. I had seen Ben come home with a black eye before, or a couple bruises from an after school fight, but never had I thought I would witness this.

"I love you," I had heard somewhere that comatose patients could hear what you were saying to them. I didn't have any idea if it was really true, but the idea that he knew that I cared about him made me feel just a tiny bit better. "And your going to be okay." I tried to promise, hoping that if he knew we all believed in him he would pull through. If he didn't pull through, I didn't know what I was going to do. Nothing would ever be the same without him.

I let my hand drop from his, and I wiped a stray tear from my cheek as I shuffled towards the doorway. I stopped myself when I heard the doctor's voice talking with my mother. I pressed myself up against the wall as hard as I could, trying to go unnoticed.

"Miss Truscott, it's very important that you don't get your hopes up. We have him stabilized for now, but it's going to be a miracle if he survives the night. Even if we can get him out of the danger zone, there's a very slim chance that he'll ever wake up."

"Mommy, I want to go home." My voice broke through their conversation. I didn't want to sit around and listen to how my brother was about to die. It was painful enough to have to see him like that, I didn't want to watch him get even worse.

"Sure sweetheart." My mom answered me. I don't think she was really paying much attention to what she was saying. "Max, could you take Lilly home? We- My- There's money on top of the fridge if you need anything." Max only nodded, agreeing. "Could you stay with her Max? I'm worried about her." I don't think my mom intended for me to hear the last part, but I did anyways. How could she even be worried about me when Ben was dying? What kind of a goddamn mother was she?

"Come on, Lilly," Max tugged me. His voice was hoarse, and even though he hadn't cried, I knew he wanted to. I could see that he was holding it in, trying to stay strong for the rest of my family. What was my dad going to say when my mom called him? Who am I kidding? Dad hated Ben. He couldn't wait until he was gone to university. Dad had never appreciated Ben's talents, and had been forcing him for some time to 'get a real job'. Selling his paintings just wasn't cutting it for my father.

Almost twenty minutes later both me and Max were back at my house. The second I walked in, I ran straight up the staircase. I didn't even bother to think about how I was making even more of a mess on my mother's prized spiral stairs. My feet were extremely dirty from having run around bare foot all night, but I hardly cared. Nothing mattered to me anymore. Ben was going to die, and I was going to be alone.

When I walked into my room, all I was reminded off was Ben. I had a picture framed and hung up on my wall. It was the portrait of the two of us he'd painted for me for Christmas. It was also the best Christmas present I had ever gotten. My mother had loved it and wanted to put it on display in the living room, but I wanted it in here. I wanted to hang it up in my room where it would be mine, and only mine. Strewn across the room were blank canvases, half finished paintings, paints, paintbrushes, sketching pencils, sketchbooks, everything an artist could ever need. Strewn across my room was everything Ben had ever loved. Strewn across my room was everything I never wanted to see again.

I threw open my closet doors, and grabbed the nearest canvas, shoving it inside. I piled the pictures one on top of the others into the small space. I tossed pencils in, and erasers, and even threw paints on the pile. The entire top of my desk went from messy to empty in a matter of seconds. Everything I had ever associated with Ben I wanted gone. I wanted to rid artwork from my life. I never wanted to paint another portrait or draw another picture again in my life. If he didn't have that privilege, why should I? Why should I paint when all he could do was lay in a bed and _die_?

"Lilly! Lilly, open the door!" Max's stupid voice was yelling to me. His fist was banging on the door.

"No!" I yelled back.

"Lilly! Open this door!" He needed to shut the hell up. He had no control over what I did. He had no say in any of my decisions, and he had no idea what I was going through. Was _his_ brother in a coma? No. So he needed to go back to fairytale village and piss off.

I slammed my closet door shut, ignoring the banging on my door. My room was almost completely empty except for my bed, my dresser, my desk, and the one portrait of me and Ben that still hung on my wall. I was standing in the middle of my room, breathing heavily, taking everything in. My throat felt constricted, and my eyes felt like they were burning. On my desk sat a paper, and next to that a pen. I ignored Max's calls and sat on the chair in front of my desk, concentrating on the white sheet like my life depended on it. Before I knew what I was doing, I had grabbed the pen and pressed it to the paper forcefully. My thoughts were spilling out, and everything I had never wanted to feel was being poured out onto the paper. When the ink reached the bottom, the very last thing I did was sign it with a clear, crisp "L", nothing more.

I reached to my right where I knew there would be envelopes. I hastily shoved the paper inside, and then caught sight of an open magazine laying open on my bedside table. It was flipped open to the back page and the only thing I noticed was the address. It was a fan mail address, but I didn't care. I scribbled it onto the front of the envelopes along with the words, 'To Ben.' and licked the envelope shut. I needed to get rid of this. I needed to let go of these feelings, these words.

"Lilly! Please!" Max's words rang out again. It was a stupid decision, but I did it anyways. I ran to my window and shoved it open, looking out to make sure I was close enough to the trellis. I couldn't take it so I ran, and the very first thing I did was mail that letter.

**A/N: Just so you know, this is the last chapter where you can vote. Right now, Loe is leading by 2 votes. I'm going to take the voting into consideration, but just so you know, ultimately, I'm going to choose what fits best with the story. Whichever one _doesn't_ happen, my next story will most likely be about. Next chapter, we introduce the Jonas boys. :**


	4. Chapter 4: Joe

**A/N: Major thank you to those of you who reviewed. You guys are amazing. A bit of a side note. I've noticed that some authors expect x-amount of reviews or they'll hold the next chapter hostage. I promise that I will _never_ do that. I know that I, myself, hardly review, and I don't expect you guys to either. I love the fact that people are taking the time to read my writing, and to take more time to tell me what you thought of it just puts a smile on my face. I'm honored that people _want_ to read my words. I really am. **

**On to other things. The main pairing is going to be a _Loe_. There will be some Nilly, but it's ultimately going to be Loe. For all of you Nilly fans that wanted Nick and Lilly together, I've already got another story in the works that is without a doubt Nilly and nothing else. Unfortunately, I don't know when I'm going to put that one up. I'd like to finish a lot of this before I get myself into something else.**

**To xLoendLOLiver4evax, _yes_ Max does like Miley. **

**Only one last thing, I promise. Then I'm done with this excruciatingly long authors note. I had my mind on the next chapter while writing this one, so I'm not entirely happy with how this one came out. I hope it's alright. And Now I'll leave you to your reading.**

**Disclaimer: See Top of Chapter Two.**

These Words

Chapter Four: Captivated

Life on the road can be extremely tough. Life on the road with your entire family can get to be even harder, trust me. Don't get me wrong, it can be a pretty good thing too. There's a lot of pros to it like... uh, well, I can't think of anything right now, but I'll get back to you. Unfortunately, it also means I have to spend pretty much every waking moment with either my brothers, or my parents. My brothers are pretty much my best friends, but seriously three months non stop of them can be a little much.

"Joe! Come on!" Kevin was yelling at me again through the bathroom door. We'd just finished our tour a couple days ago, and then opened a show for Hannah Montana in Malibu. Lucky for us, we weren't doing any more tours for a while, but we'd agreed with Robby Ray that we'd have a Hannah/Jonas concert every once in a while in the area since she wasn't touring either.

"Seriously Joe!" Kevin would just _not_ go away. He'd been at this for the last ten minutes, insisting that other people needed to use the washroom. However true that may be, my hair was much for important, and there _were_ other washrooms in the house. At least, I think there are. We don't spend nearly enough time here for me to actually remember.

"Go away, _Kevin._" I yelled back. Well, it wasn't really a yell, I said it pretty happily, just to spite him. The problem with that sentence, is I wish I knew what spite meant so I could be sure I was using it properly. But who cares really? I have better things to think about, like how long exactly it takes for Kevin's flat iron to heat up, because I've been waiting a while now.

"Joe," He groaned, and I could hear him lean against the door. And you know what I did? I opened it. And you know what he did? He fell. And then I laughed at him. Mainly 'cause it was funny. And you know what? It really, really was.

"Kev, your flat iron is broken." I told him nonchalantly, twirling it by the cord in my hand. He was still on the ground, rubbing his head as if it had actually hurt. Oh please.

"Your kidding me? You broke it, Joe?" He stood, grabbing it from my hands and examining it.

"No, it broke itself. It won't heat up."

"Maybe you should turn it _on_." He laughed at me and pressed the switch on the inside of the plates from off to on.

"How was I supposed to know that? _You're_ the one that usually does my hair." I told him, grabbing the iron back from him. So how long does this thing take again? I should probably test it, just to make sure it's on.

"OUCH!" Okay, its on. If my thumb wasn't in my mouth right now, I'd be telling Kevin to shut up and stop laughing at me. It really isn't that funny. I just _burned_ myself.

"What's going on?" Nick appeared at the doorway, rubbing one eye. Looks like he hadn't gotten up yet. Which brings me to my next point. Why is it that both Nick and Frankie have their own rooms, but me and Kevin have to share? I need my own room, I'm older and Kevin wakes me up too early. Me and Kevin should switch with Nick and Frank. But I call Nick's room, its bigger.

"Joe burned himself." Kevin informed Nick, who still happened to be rubbing his eyes. When he noticed he was still doing it, he immediately stopped and yawned. I'm kind of wondering why he only rubbed the one eye. What about the other one? Actually, why do I care? It's Nick, he's weird.

"Nice one, Joe." And then he walked away. If he was going to walk away, why did he come here in the first place. I would have just stayed in bed. You know what I noticed? No? Me neither. So lets forget I ever said it.

"We don't have to do anything today, right?" I asked, looking up to Kevin. I'd kind of forgotten all about being burned and him laughing at me. Without me noticing, Kevin had grabbed the straightener from my hands and was already starting to straighten his own hair. Damn him, now I'll have to wait.

"Besides chores and avoid fan girls that chain themselves to poles outside? No." I remember the last time we were home from touring. That girl was _crazy_. I have my fingers crossed that we won't have a repeat any time soon.

"Good." I relaxed. This would be the first day since I can't even remember that we had a complete day off. No interviews, no shows, no photo shoots, no anything. Now that I think about it, today could get tragically boring. What am I saying? No it won't, its me we're talking about.

"Oh, except for later tonight we have to sort through a bunch of fan mail." Way to rain on my parade Kev.

"Your kidding?" I cringed. I most definitely did not want to spend tonight reading, 'I love you! Will you marry me! Have my babies!' forty times. Actually, make that forty thousand. I'd say forty million, but that's just pushing it.

"Nope. Dad already went to pick it up."

"Wanna read my mail, Kevin?" I asked hopefully. He just gave me a look through the mirror and I sighed, hanging my head. Tonight would be difficult, but until then, I still have a free day, right? And Kevin had to ruin it so far by not letting me sleep in. You think the guy would want a few extra hours after being on tour for _three_ months. My theory is that Kevin is an insomniac, which will _not_ be good for my sleep.

I was just through the bathroom door before I stopped dead in my tracks, remembering something. I turned around to face Kevin, who was still straightening his hair. He gave me a questioning look, probably wondering what I was going to say.

"By the way," I started, furrowing my eyebrows a bit and leaning in the doorway, "Did you hear any news on what happened to grape-head?"

"Her name's Lola, Joe." He scolded, giving me a tiny glare. I remembered her name, honest, I just thought her nickname was cooler. "And No, I haven't. Ask Nick though, he and Hannah were talking after she ran out."

"Kay," I mumbled, walking out of the bathroom doorway and towards Nick's room. He had probably went back to sleep, but I was going to wake him up anyways.

"Nickyyyy," I called before shoving open his bedroom door. He thankfully wasn't asleep, or he probably would have been mad.

"What Joe?" He asked me, not even looking up. He was laying in bed still, but not under the covers. His phone was in his hands and he seemed concentrated on something. He was most likely writing or reading a text message, that or playing that new guitar hero for phones game. Man, I love that game; keeps you busy for hours.

"Have you heard anything on Lola?" I asked. I figured I'd better go with her name rather than Grape-Head. He snapped his head up from whatever he was doing on his phone to look at me.

"Luftnagle?" He asked, I nodded. "Not really. Hannah said it had to do with her brother, Buddy, I think?"

"Yeah, Buddy." I confirmed, nodding my head. How I remembered that, I have no idea.

"That's all I know. Don't bother looking online for anything though. You know half the stuff will be made up anyways. I'm actually texting Hannah, do you want me to ask?"

"Yeah." I nodded, "Tell me whatever she tells you." He nodded back, looking back to his screen as I walked out the door. I felt really bad for Lola. It looked like she had gotten some pretty bad news last night, that much was obvious. The press had been saying something about Buddy, but I knew better than to trust anything that came out of a teen magazine unless the person was directly quoted as saying it. She had been reduced to tears, and although yesterday was the first time we'd ever met, I still felt absolutely terrible. She had the media in her face too; sometimes the paparazzi needed to lay off.

I jogged down the stairs, ruffling Frankie's hair when I got to the bottom. He was sitting there with his entire collection of webkins, playing. I could smell pancakes being made in the kitchen, so I made a beeline to my spot at the table. No one else was in the kitchen except for my mom, who, as previously noted, was making pancakes. Mmm, my favourite.

"What's on the menu, Mommy?" I asked, sliding out my seat and sitting down. She turned around smiling and offered me a 'good morning, Joseph' before continuing with her cooking.

"Pancakes," She answered.

"Smells yummy." So sue me if I sounded childish ever once in a while. Besides, the pancakes _did_ smell yummy. And yummy was definitely good for my tummy.

"Boys!" I heard my dad come through the front door. He was probably back with our twelve bags of fan mail that we had to read tonight. Just as my dad came into the kitchen, Kevin came downstairs, grinning and took his seat next to me.

"What're you so smiley about?" I asked him, the grin never leaving his face.

"I smelt, pancakes."

"Ahhh, me too." We high-fived and watched as our mother put a few of the afore mentioned food item on two plates and placing them in front of us. Just as I was about to ask for the syrup it came down on the table and both me and Kevin made a mad dash to grab it. I, of course, won, and slathered my pancakes in it. Delicious.

"Gross Joe," Nick had joined us at the table, "Enough syrup." I stuck my tongue out at him and continued eating my breakfast. So what if they didn't drown their food in syrup. They were missing out!

"Joseph," My mom warned. I immediately retracted my tongue, mumbling 'Sorry' before stabbing my fork into the pancakes again. Have I mentioned this is delicious? Because it is, really. Try it!

"Now that your all here, you should probably start sorting through this fan mail." I groaned, a piece of pancake falling out of my mouth. Kevin said we were doing this _later_ not _now._ I wanted to go do something fun, not sit at the kitchen table and sift through letters from fifteen year old girls. The fans were great, yes, but some of them really could use spell check before pressing print. That, or make their writing at least legible so we could write a response.

"How much do we have?" I asked. I regretted asking the second it came out of my mouth because my dad hauled four huge sacks up onto the table. Awh, no way! On my only day off I have to read a third of _that_? Maybe if I just skim through everything I'll get done that much quicker. Do we even have to respond to all of them? I'm thinking no, since it's mail, and we usually just respond to people on Myspace. Wait, if people already message us on myspace, why are they sending mail too?

"Gahsja-" It didn't come out quite as I thought it would with half a pancake in my mouth, so I cut myself off. After both chewing and swallowing, I continued, "Is it all for the band, or are some of them individual?"

"Most likely both," My dad answered, shrugging and getting up from his place at the table. My mom cleared our plates, but the three of us didn't bother to get up. We were going to be here for a while. I can't believe I have to sort fan mail when the price is right is coming on in...ITS ALREADY OVER?! Wow, Kevin's clock is really behind, because I could have sworn it was nine when I woke up. Maybe I really did take that long in the bathroom?

So about five hours, and several tacos later, I was down to my last three letters. Thankfully we didn't have to respond to them or it would have taken double the time. I can't imagine still sitting here at ten at night. I'd already spent so much of my day doing this. So much for a day off. The only thing that kept me opening letters was knowing that after I finished today I wouldn't have to do it again for a while, and now that we were off tour, there was bound to be plenty more free days. I was also glad that we didn't have to do our school work today. Maybe opening mail wasn't so bad after all.

"Hey guys, look at this," I looked up to Nick who was holding a scrapbook that had been inside a package. We had received a couple gifts along with the letters, and that was always nice. Nick slid it across the table and I pushed aside my last couple envelopes. Inside the scrapbook there were several pictures of us on stage, with a special page for each of us. I had to admit, it was pretty nicely put together. I pushed it back to him and he put it down gently on the floor next to our other gifts as I skimmed through two more letters. And then I reached the last one.

"Hey, either of you secretly go by Ben?" My brothers looked up from their letters to give me an odd look. They then glanced at each other, shaking their heads.

"No, why?" Kevin asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Because that's who this is addressed to." My own face scrunched up in confusion as I turned the letter over, looking at the front. The address was definitely for our fan mail, but clearly none of us went by Ben.

"Open it?" Nick offered, nodding his head to the letter. Both boys had temporarily forgotten about the mail sitting in their own hands. I shrugged, and took Nick's suggestion, tearing open the back of the envelope. The paper was plain, with light blue lines, the kind you could pick up from a dollar store. The pen was ordinary too, just black, and the writing was in cursive and unusually neat.

_It's been two hours, but the pain is just an extension of that. The black and blue are swirling, bubbling underneath my skin and I can't bare to believe. I can't bare to believe in the lies that they're telling me because I think so much more than that of you. The emotion is swelling, and these iron lungs are collapsing. An organ can only take so much before it gives out._

Before I knew it, my jaw was dropping. With each word my eyes were going narrower, trying to find some kind of meaning in this. This was nothing like the last thousand letters I'd read. This was different. This was something more than the shallow cookie cutter words I had become so accustomed to reading. This was something I didn't know what to think of.

"What is it Joe?" Nick had apparently finished off his pile of letters while I was reading through the first few lines. I reluctantly pulled my eyes from the page and to him. He was slouched over the table towards me, confusion plastered all over his face.

"It's- It's," I debated for a few seconds in my head whether or not to tell them. "It's nothing." I told them. Nick's eyes still bore into me, but I tore mine away from him and back down to the letter in my grasp. I had hardly realized my hands were shaking lightly, and I couldn't help but wonder why. I pushed that thought to the back of my mind, and continued reading the words in front of me.

_Nothing could have prepared me for this. This life is just an __endless spiral of moments and memories as the seconds tick away into minutes, and hours and days. This puzzle is one where none of the pieces fit together, and this artwork is canvas that will forever remain unpainted. There was so much more for you than this. You held the power to create such intricate beauty, but now all that remains is a massacre in it's place. Scenic beauty isn't all it's made out to be. Twenty seven miles isn't anything without you. In a place where the sun always shines and the stars are always circling, this complete darkness is so out of place. The darkness is one that the sun will never shine upon, and the stars could never mend. The knowledge of waking up to the people who love us is something we always took for granted. I took you for granted with a mistaken truth. The truth that every morning you would be here, that every morning you would smile, and that every morning you would breathe. In all my life, I ever needed was you, and all you ever needed was appreciation. All you wanted was for them to look further, dive deeper into your abstract eyes and realized that this is what they needed in theirs. But the black Iris continues to sit empty without your life and your colour. If only they could truly see what they were missing. If they could only see how how dead they are without you. If this is a way of life, it's a life I don't want to live. _

_ But I'm trying to find a way, and I'm praying every day, But I need you, 'cause I'm so alone. All I need in this life is one, just one, thing to believe in._

And that was it. At the very bottom of the paper there was an "L" but nothing else. No real name, no contact information. I'd hate to think that this letter was sent to the wrong address, and we had no way of getting it to the person that it was intended for. It was obvious that whoever wrote it had put their deepest thoughts and feelings into it, and although I should send it back somehow, I can't. All I know about this person is this letter, and I just want to keep it. I just want to read it twenty times because I can't seem to get into their head. I can't seem to understand what this is really about. All the other letters I had read today were just so painfully obvious. This was something more than that, this was something that dug deep inside my skin and attached itself there. These words had already imprinted themselves in my mind. There was just something so alluring about it. This letter was written intricately and delicately; the words full of passion and meaning. This letter was anything other than what I'd expected when I was reading through fan mail.

"Joe?" My head snapped up when I heard my name being called. Both Nick and Kevin were sitting across the table, giving me a curious eye. Without thinking, I shoved the paper back into the envelope. I made the motion as if I was placing it back into the sack with the other mail I'd just read, but instead I placed it into the pocket of the pants I was wearing.

"What?" I answered whoever had said my name. I folded my hands back onto the table, my mind still on the words I'd just read.

"Hannah texted me back." I temporarily let the letter slip my thoughts as I paid full attention to Nick. He was now furiously texting back who I guessed to be Hannah. Either she had texted him _much_ earlier and he was only getting it now, or she had been busy with something all day because it had been hours since I'd asked Nick to find out about Lola.

"And?" I asked, leaning forward on the table, waiting for my brother to spew the information.

"Hannah said she's a mess. Apparently Buddy's in a coma."

"What?!" Both me and Kevin exclaimed at the same time, eyes wide. That was harsh. I can't imagine what it must've been like to have heard that kind of news and then have paparazzi hounding on you. I haven't even seen the tabloids or online news sites yet, but I'm sure they've made up all kinds of stories. I could have sworn I heard something about her brother being kidnapped on my way out.

"Yeah, they don't really know what happened either. They're not telling Lola much apparently, and what they are telling her isn't too good."

"What did they tell her?" It may have sounded nosey, but I was genuinely concerned. I promise!

"Hannah wouldn't say. She said Lola came to her house in the middle of the night telling her that Buddy got mixed up with a bunch of stuff."

"By 'mixed up' you mean?" I asked. Nick merely shrugged, telling us that Hannah hadn't specified. It wasn't really our business anyways, but I hope Lola knew that if she needed anyone we'd be here. I may have not have known her for more than twenty four hours, but I'd still consider her a friend.

I stood up from the table, stretching. I hadn't realized how long we'd been sitting there until I caught a look at the clock on the stove. It was nearly seven at night. Well, that was one whole day gone, and I was petty sure we had some interviews to do tomorrow or something. For us, time off is _never_ really time off. There always has to be something.

I took off towards the basement without a second thought. We had our games and movies down there, along with a flat screen and a pool table. I settled down on the couch, putting in a movie and relaxing. At least I would get a couple hours to unwind on what was supposed to be my first day off in a long time. And when the movie hit the half-way point, I found myself yawning and straining to keep my eyelids open. In the moments before I finally let myself sleep, the only thing that ran through my head was the voice of a girl singing the final words of that letter. _All I need in this life is one, just one, thing to believe in_. That's when I knew she had me.

**A/N: I need you guys to vote again. I'm having a little bit of trouble deciding, but I'm leaning towards something. I just wanna know what you think. Should Ben _live_ or _die_? Also, I have a lot of ideas for some later chapters, but I'd love to hear some suggestions for the next few chapters. You can add them into your review or PM them to me.**

**The last few lines of the letter come from a song. Some of the lines are changed, though, but eventually the lines will change to mirror the exact lyrics. The song is _Speak of the Devil – Sum 41._ Just those few lines pertain to the story, nothing else in the song. Ps. I hope the letter didn't disappoint. I wasn't sure exactly how to word it or what I should put in. If anyone wants to help with the writing of future letters, please PM me.**

**My apologies for the super long Authors notes. Review!**


	5. Chapter 5: Lilly

**A/N: I'm not completely happy with this chapter. It feels kind of repetitive to me. I wanted to have it out earlier today, but I got caught up watching 'Much' on tv. Plus, I was debating on what I wanted to put into this chapter. There's a couple of big ideas I have, but it feels _way_ to early to put them in. Also, Thank you _so much_ to the reviewers. I love reading your reviews, they're fabulous. You guys are awesome.**

**Pss. I took some time today to really set my ideas into a time line so I know where I want to place them, and I'm really sorry to say, that I'm considering taking out the _Nilly_ parts completely. I don't want to start something that I'm not sure how I'd end, and I can't seem to find a way to work it in how I had initially wanted to. If anyone is really adamant that I keep Nilly in and has any ideas on how I could put it into the story smoothly, Please PM me. **

**Disclaimer: Don't own, Don't sue.**

These Words

Chapter Five: Alone

The weekend had been treacherous. I had woken up every single morning just praying that it had all been some sort of sick nightmare. I had never been that lucky though, because every time I woke up I was met with this awful reality. Ben was still in a coma and I was still struggling to move forward without him. It was still so difficult to not have him be apart of my day. But I was trying to keep myself going, I was trying to keep hope.

I had left Friday night and ran. When I did it I hadn't been thinking. I just couldn't stand the noise, the pounding in my head, and constant memories. Sometime around midnight after wandering the streets of downtown Malibu I had found myself on Miley's doorstep. I couldn't go home, I knew that much.

"Hi Miley," She had opened the door, yawning, and clad in pajamas. My eyes had been burning, the tears seconds away from falling. When she had finally realized it was me, she pulled me into a hug and I couldn't hold it in much longer.

"He's-Miles-I," I couldn't get out much more than that before she tugged me into the house, shutting the door behind us. She sat me on the couch in her living room and told me to wait there while she gathered a box of kleenex and put on the kettle. I knew her dad wouldn't appreciate the sudden sleepover, but I was too distressed to care at the moment. I needed someone who understood, and Miley was that person.

"Shhh, It's okay," I didn't want to hear someone say those words for the rest of my life. That's all I could remember hearing in the last few hours regarding what had happened to Ben. Didn't they realize that it _wasn't _okay. Since when was being in a coma considered _okay_?

"Miles," My face contorted into a frown, my eyes still shedding the tears. She sat down next to me, pulling me into another hug. I only rested my head on her shoulder, unable to hug her back. I appreciated what she was doing for me, I did.

"He-He's-They said," She shushed me down again, telling me to take as long as I wanted. In some way, her words had a calming affect and I tried my best to steady my voice. This was hard. Life was hard. Just trying to push through this was the worst thing I had ever had to do. Now I knew what it was like for Miley to loose her mother.

"He's in a coma, Miley," She pulled back from her hug, holding me at arms length. Her jaw was dropped, like usual whenever I mentioned Ben, but this time it was for all the wrong reasons. She pulled me back into her arms, sensing that I needed something to hold onto. I only nodded against her, confirming what I'd just told her. When the kettle went off, she detached herself from me, standing up to make us some hot chocolate. I only sat on her couch, trying to wipe away the tears, but they just kept coming.

"Lilly, did," She paused, "Have you seen him?" I could only nod and sniffle in response to her question.

"He's horrible." And a fresh batch of tears leaked out of my eyes. "He's just laying there, Miley. He won't move, or speak, and just-" I couldn't continue on. My voice became nothing more than sobs as I buried my face into my hands, my body shaking. My hot chocolate was abandoned on the table, and I felt Miley's hand reach around to rub my back. She didn't try to assure me that everything was going to work out. She didn't tell me he'd wake up in no time at all. She was just there, and that's all that I needed.

I'd confessed almost everything to her in those next few hours. She'd stayed up with me almost until sunrise until I had finally fallen into a restless slumber. I'd woken up to the scent of pancakes and Mr. Stewart's cheerful smile. For a second, I had almost believed that I had dreamed it all, that was, until I saw the look of deep sadness and pity in Miley's eyes. That wasn't something I wanted to see, it wasn't something I wanted at all. _Pity._

I had declined Mr. Stewart's invite to stay for breakfast with a shaky smile. I didn't need to involve Miley's family in my problems. Miley had been reluctant to let me leave though, insisting she was worried about me. I couldn't understand why people were so worried about me. It was _Ben_ they should be concerned about.

After leaving, I had begun the slow walk back to my own house. If my mother had been home she would have been down my throat no less than three seconds of me walking through that front door. Luckily, it was only Max, who was passed out on my living room couch. I had sneakily found myself upstairs, easily picking the lock on my bedroom door and when Max woke up, it wasn't hard to convince him I had been home all night.

When the clock had been nearly seven pm, I had found myself on the way to the hospital. I had tried my hardest to keep strong, to pretend like everything was going to work out, but I knew that I couldn't keep pretending forever. So I broke for what felt like the hundredth time and went to see him. I went to see him as he laid in that bed and did nothing else. I felt like I was going to watch an execution. I felt like I was watching my own brother die, but still I kept that fire lit inside of me. That fire that burned and told me he was going to wake up at any minute.

I hadn't spent much time there, maybe an hour. All the doctor's had looked at me with those sad eyes when I asked to see him. I would have gone directly to his room, but I hadn't paid attention the night before when I'd been led there. Could you really blame me? I had been desperate to see him, desperate to know that they were lying to me. At the time I couldn't comprehend the situation's seriousness, but now I knew. I knew the slim chances, and I knew I needed to take the time I could get to appreciate everything.

The room was quiet when I went in. It was so silent that I was almost afraid to break it. There was a pale blue chair next to Ben's bed which I opted to sit in. I almost smiled when I noticed the nurses had at least taken the effort to clean him up a little better. His hair was blood free and his bandage had been changed. I couldn't help but wonder what exactly had put him in such a position. The doctor's hadn't told us much, if anything, on him. Or rather, neither the doctors or my mother had told me anything. I was sure my mom knew a lot more than she was letting on. I was his sister though, I had a right to know, didn't I?

"Hi Ben." I whispered to him, patting his hair back off the bandage. His face was blank and held no response for me. That was all I really wanted, something, anything from him that told me that he could hear me. I reached for his hand, finding the same thing I found the day before. It was cold and lifeless, just like the rest of his body. The only thing I did was sit and talk with him, and tell him how much I missed him even after just one day. I couldn't even think of having to spend my life without him always there. He was my big brother and that was something that was just irreplaceable.

"I-I wrote something for you." I spoke. I knew it was getting close to eight and visiting hours would be up soon. I honestly didn't think it was right for the hospital to tell me when I could or couldn't visit my own brother. If the doctor's were right and he had such a minimal chance of recovery, I wanted to spend as much time with him as I possibly could.

"I'm tryin' to find a way, and I'm praying every day," My voice was cracking as I attempted to sing to him. I was never much of a singer, but I knew he wouldn't care. "But I need you, 'cause I'm so alone." I reached up with one hand to wipe away a stray tear, my other hand still had a tight grip on his.

"All I need in this life is one, just one, thing to believe in." When I looked up to him, looking for any sign of life all he did was lay there.

"Ben," I whispered, laying my head on the side of the bed, "I want to believe in you. I've always believed in you. I need you to show me that everything is going to be okay." When I looked up to him again, I was temporarily stunned. If I had been looking for a sign, it was in that moment that I got it, because Ben was crying. His eyes were still closed, and his body was still motionless but there was no doubt that there were tears on his cheeks.

"Help!" I yelled, running to the door and leaning out, "Somebody! Please!" Within seconds there was a doctor rushing to the door and coming in.

"What is it sweetie?" She asked me. I recognized her as the same one from the night before.

"He's crying!" I shouted, as if it was obvious, "Is he okay?" The hope inside of me was almost bursting. I had prayed for something, anything to tell me that it was all going to be alright, and this just _had_ to be a sign.

"Oh, honey," She turned to me. I could see the _pity_ clear in her eyes. "It's involuntary. He's not waking up." She shook her head.

"What? No! He has to be!"

"He's not conscious. You'd better go home and get some sleep." I didn't want to, but I knew I had to so I agreed. It didn't matter anyways, because it wasn't like I got much sleep that night anyways. Saturday and Sunday were practically the same day for me. I had asked my mother to take me to the hospital on Sunday too, but she wouldn't let me and made me focus on my school work. As far as I was concerned, she had no good reason to be acting like that. Ben was in a coma and she wanted me to work on school stuff? How many times do I have to reinforce the fact that _Ben_ is in a _coma_ before they all start to let it sink in? Was I the only one who really cared?

School was awful on Monday. Well, for the amount of time I was even there, it was awful. In regular circumstances, I could barely stand it, but now, this was torture. This wasn't where I wanted to be. I wanted to be at that hospital, next to _him_. I wanted to be there for him, and I wanted to be there if he woke up. My mother couldn't take the time off work, and my dad didn't care enough to. Sure my dad had _acted_ like he cared, but I could easily tell he wasn't nearly as upset as he should be. The jerk never even got the chance to know his own son. Maybe if he had appreciated him and actually spoken to him once in a while they would have been closer.

"Lilly?" My head was in my locker and my eyes were squeezed tight. I didn't want to cry in school.

"Lilly, how are you?" I don't know what Max was trying to prove by hounding me every second to see how I was holding up, but he needed to go away. Ben was his best friend, couldn't he understand that I didn't want to be around anyone besides my brother?

"How the hell do you think I am?" I spat. I pulled both my head and my books from my locker, slamming it and shoving past him. I just _had_ to pick the most crowded hallway in the school. It was hard enough to push through everyone and try to get to my class, but all I could pay attention to were the looks people were giving me. I had come to school really hoping that none of the student body actually watched the news. I should have known I wasn't that lucky, I mean, look what my luck has given me so far.

They were staring at me. The most prominent look was _pity_. Why were they all pitying me? I know Ben was in a coma, but he was going to pull through. He was going to be okay. He had given me a sign that things would be alright.

"Lilly! Lilly, wait up," Max was calling me again, chasing after me through the crowd. I turned sharply to meet him. He stopped right in front of me, panting. It was as though he had been torn on coming after me but had decided to at the last seconds.

"What?!" I barked. My eyes were narrowed, and my breathing was ragged. I willed myself not to cry.

"Lilly, can't you give me two seconds? I know how hard this is."

"Oh really?!" I almost laughed. "You know how hard this is? _Please_."

"He was my best friend! I did everything with him!"

"Maybe he _was_ your best friend, but he _is_ my brother. At least I'm not giving up yet."

"You think I'm not praying? You think I'm not wishing every second that he's going to wake up? Be real Lilly, this is serious."

"And this isn't the time or place, Max." I answered. My voice was small and barely audible. The crowd around us was both frozen and silent so I knew he had heard me. I shrugged off his hand from my wrist. I hadn't even noticed in the moment that he'd grabbed it. Turning around, I pressed my eyes closed, pushing back the tears and took a deep breath before continuing onto class. At least this was one thing that was familiar to me, because it seemed like I was completely out of place in my world.

After pressing through English and Math the bell to lunch gave me some ounce of relief. It wasn't that I was happy to be out of class, I was just glad to be away from all of their stares. Left and right wherever I stood, students and teachers were watching me with the one thing I didn't want. Pity and sympathy. Couldn't they just keep their looks to themselves?

"Lilly, do you want to sit outside?" I looked up from my locker to find Miley standing next to me with a sad smile. She wasn't giving me sympathy or pity, she was just trying to be understanding. She was the only person I could really count on to know what I felt like.

"Yeah," I whispered, closing my locker and following her down our usual route to meet Oliver at his locker.

"Oliver!" Miley called to him as we got nearer, "We're eating outside."

"What? Awh, man. But you know I hate eating out there. It's so hot and the school is air conditioned." I appreciated the normality I could always expect from him.

"Yes, Oliver, I know that." Miley smiled, pushing the sentence through her teeth, "That's why everyone _else_ will be inside."

"Exactly! Why do we want to eat alone? That's crazy!"

"We're eating outside Oliver!" She narrowed her eyes, grabbing him by the front of the shirt and dragging him along.

"Hey! Hey, Ouch! Let me go!" The smallest of smiles found it's way onto my lips. Either Oliver hadn't heard the news or he was doing a very good job of helping me to forget for a few minutes. When the thought went through my head however, my smile immediately faded. How selfish could I be to forget about Ben? How could I even think of going about everything like it was normal when Ben couldn't do anything at all?

When we were seated at the picnic table in the school courtyard it was unusually silent. I was twirling my fork in my salad, not even bothering to eat anything. I don't know why I even bothered to buy myself something to eat when I knew I wasn't capable of eating it. I was practically sick to my stomach just thinking about my brother all alone in a hospital room.

"Soooo," Oliver was the first to speak. It was apparent that he was completely out of the loop on this one. I don't know if it was me being selfish, but I was half hoping he would never figure it out just so he wouldn't look at me with _pitying_ eyes. I was so sick of everyone feeling so sorry for me. Didn't they have their own problems to be involved with? Couldn't they just leave me the hell alone already?

"Somebody wanna clue me in here?" Oliver asked again. Both me and Miley were silent. I could feel her eyes on me and I shook my head 'no', looking away from the both of them and towards our school football field. It was torture being here.

"Lilly..." Not again. My head turned slowly from the field and towards the voice. Max was sliding into a seat across from us and I couldn't help but notice the tiny smile on Miley's face. I knew that smile. I didn't like that smile; not in these circumstances anyways, because I had seen that smile enough times to know exactly what it meant.

"I was looking for you inside, but you weren't there..." Max trailed off again. I scoffed. Didn't he get the hint that I didn't want to be around him?

"Come on Lilly, stop being so immature about this. Stop acting like it only affects you." I looked at him with pure and complete hatred in my eyes. The nerve he had to tell me that. I didn't think it only affected me, they just didn't seem to care about him anymore. No one really seemed to understand.

"I'll stop when you stop." I answered him, my eyes narrowed.

"Stop what?! I haven't done anything." He cried, letting his head fall down on the table in frustration. Miley looked on worried, Oliver was confused.

"Yeah, you haven't! You haven't even gone to see him!"

"They won't _let _me, Lilly! You heard them yourself! I'm not _family_!" He yelled.

"Just get away from me!" I screamed, standing up from the table and shoving my food forward.

"Lilly, come on! You can't walk away from me every time! You know I'm hurting just as much as you are right now. He was practically my brother."

"Just shut up, Max! You don't have any clue! You don't understand what I'm going through!" By now he had stood up too and we were inches apart, screaming at each other. Oliver looked terrified as he watched us fight. It must've been a shock to see your best friend and her brother's best friend at each others throats.

"I'm _trying_ Lilly! I'm trying to understand! I know he wasn't really my brother, but that doesn't mean I didn't think of him as one!"

"Stop staying _was!"_ I screamed. However hard I had been trying not to cry didn't matter anymore because I was. I couldn't stop it. The emotions were running through me. The anger, the sadness, the pure hatred for the boy in front of me who had no business telling me that his feelings matched mine. Nothing could match the feeling of my entire person being torn in two. Ben was my other half. Ben was my better half.

"Stop it! He's not dead yet! He's alive and He's going to be okay! Just- Just leave me alone and stay away from me." I couldn't stop my voice from wavering and my face contorting into the vision of complete anguish.

"Lilly..." His hand reached out to touch my upper arm lightly, "I'm trying to be there for you. I know you feel alone and I know you miss him, and I do too. Lilly, I really care about you and I'm just trying to protect you, like Ben would have." When I heard the words, my mouth let out a sob and I tore my arm away from him. I took a step back, distancing myself.

"Well stop, because your _not _Ben. Because I actually cared about Ben." As soon as I said it, I almost regretted it, but I knew I couldn't take it back. He looked absolutely crushed and hurt, as if he lost the person that he knew would understand him, and now he was alone. I guess _now_ he had some idea of what I was dealing with, because thats the one emotion that never left me, the feeling of being lost and completely alone.

And then I did it again. I ran. It seemed as though that was the only thing I could do-- run. Run from anything and everything. I didn't even think about the fact that I would be skipping my afternoon classes, I would deal with that later. I just had to leave, to go somewhere were I felt safe. And I felt safe when I was with Ben. He didn't look at me with pity or sympathy. He didn't try to pretend as though he knew what I was feeling. He just was. He listened to my every thought and every word. He was all I really had left. I could always count on him, and it was no different now, coma or not.

It didn't take long for me to reach the hospital. I wracked my brain, thinking of his room number until I finally came up with it. I didn't want to have to ask the nurse because it came with the risk that she would tell my mother I was here during school hours. I avoided all the doctors, making my way to his room and went in. It looked no different than Saturday; he was laying in the same position that he had been in since Friday night. I walked closer to the bed, sitting in the cold, blue chair next to it and grabbing his hand again. It was silent again, except for the constant beeping that reminded me that he was still alive.

"Hi," My voice was hoarse, "It's me again." I didn't need to say anything else to him, I just needed to be there. I didn't want him to be alone, and I didn't want to be alone either. I wanted him to have someone to be here for him, and I needed him to be here for me just as much.

There was a clipboard next to his bed with blank paper on it and a pen sitting on the 'clip'. I eyed it for a few moments before grabbing it with my free hand. I placed it onto my lap, never letting my grip fall from Ben's as I wrote. Pen met paper and the words were suddenly unleashed, flowing onto the paper. I wrote as I sat with my hand holding tightly onto my brothers. I didn't need Max, or anyone else. This was all I would ever need.

**A/N: Alright, I have a couple questions for you. The on-going question of whether Ben should Live or Die. Despite what everyone seems to want, I'm leaning towards him dying. I still want your opinions though, so pleaseee continue to vote. Also, the next question is about a brand new story. I took some time today to start the preliminary work for the _Nilly_ I'll be starting soon. I developed on the idea, thought up a few major plot ideas, but I need some advice on some aspects of it. This is the mini-summary I've come up with for it:**

Lola Luftnagle is an eighteen year old LA Socialite. Nick Jonas is a teenage chart toping musician. When these two enemies unknowingly catch evidence of a major crime on tape everything they had ever found familiar is about to change... Or is it?

**What I want to know is:**

**1. Would you be interested in reading it?**

**2. What point of view would you like to see it written in? First person, or third?**

**3. From what I've given you, give me some idea of what you _think_ it would be about. I'm telling you now, it's really something different than what you'd expect.**

**Also, In the new story, Lola is Lilly, and Miley is Hannah, the Jonas boys just don't know that.**

**Apologies again, for the super long Authors note. And also, if you like my writing, check out my oneshot called 'My last regret' :) I imagine it to be a Loe... or rather Jola? Anyways, Review! You guys are awesome. **


	6. Chapter 6: Joe

**A/N: Thank you a gazzillion and one times to the reviewers. I can't thank you guys enough. Thank you also to those of you who put this on alert and favourited it. I'm so glad people are actually liking this story. I've also made a few decisions. There will _not_ be Nilly in the story. Also I've made my choice on whether or not Ben's going to live. I took everyone's opinion into account and I think I've made the best choice for the story. Your just going to have to wait and see what it is though. :) **

_**Zoey24**_** and ****_morgiecorgie: _The idea of reintroducing Billy into the story was one I was considering for a long time. I had a few scenes written out, but ultimately I decided to cut it from the story. I found another way to keep the idea I had into the story without keeping Billy in so I went with that instead. He initially was going to play a much bigger role, but it added too much unneeded drama, and I couldn't find a simple way of wrapping it up.**

**Anyways, On with the story!**

**Disclaimer: Nothing is mine, sans plot. **

These Words

Chapter Six: Connection

The post office was unfortunately a long walk from my house. Also unfortunate, was the fact that these boots were _not_ made for walking. Remember to remind me not to put on Kevin's shoes when I'm in a rush. Also remind me to grab a bike or something if I'm going to be wearing Kevin's shoes. I had been making my way to the post office that was about a half hour walk from my house for three days now, today being the fourth. I have to say, Kevin was getting pretty suspicious of where I was going every morning, I was going to have to tell him sooner or later.

You know what else sucks besides walking in Kevin's shoes? Wednesdays. Wednesdays are awful, they're right in the middle of the week. It shouldn't even really matter to me because I was home schooled anyways. Oh well, I still hate Wednesdays.

"Hi," I entered the post office. I had a hat over my head and giant glasses on my face. I was hoping no one would recognize me, I had gotten pretty lucky with it over the last few days.

"Uh, I'm here to pick up some mail," I told the lady at the counter. She looked up, smiled, and then asked me what I was looking for.

"Oh, um, mail for Hollywood records...The uh, Jonas fan mail." Her head came up from her papers to look at me again. She glanced at my hat, glasses, and attire, trying to see if she should really believe me. Thankfully she wasn't a teenager or anything, so she probably wouldn't freak out anyways. You could never be too safe though.

"I'm going to need some ID," She told me, waiting patiently for me to produce some sort of picture identification. Was this really necessary? Come on, I'm one of the most recognized people in the country and she needs ID? They didn't need ID the other three times.

I pulled my wallet out of my back pocket. If I had been wearing skinny jeans that would have been impossible, but I wasn't. Plain old, normal jeans today, folks. I know, what a surprise. I sifted through the wallet, trying to find something. I was home schooled, so I didn't have a student ID card, and I was forbidden to get behind the wheel of a car, so a drivers license was out of the question.

"Well, uh, see, I don't have any, but uh," I suspiciously looked around the office and noticed it was rather empty. Okay, so there wasn't anyone else in there at all, but who really comes to get their mail on a Wednesday morning? Oh right, me. I pulled the hat off my head and lowered the glasses. The lady at the desk's eyes widened and her jaw dropped a little bit. I don't know why she was so shocked, I _told_ her it was me, she should have just believed me in the first place.

"Um-Uh, One moment," She answered, still wide-eyed as she went to get the mail. Thankfully since I was getting the fan mail almost every day the amount I had to carry home was much _much_ smaller than what we had to go through on Saturday. Man, that was torture. But it was torture I would endure all over again just to get that letter.

She brought me back a small messenger bag with the mail stuffed into it. Her eyes hadn't gotten any smaller and I quickly signed off an autograph for her 'daughter'. Yeah right, it was obvious she loved us. I mean, who _doesn't_? Okay, that sounded conceited, but it's not like I'm going to say we're bad. I slung the messenger bag over one shoulder and left the office. Have I mentioned yet that I _hate_ Kev's shoes? It amazes me how he manages to walk in these all the time. I mean really, I've only been wearing them for half an hour and my feet are seriously killing me. This is going to be a long walk home.

Glasses back in place and hat on head, I tried to walk through the front door quietly. Key word in that sentence is quiet. By now, it's obvious that anything I do cannot be considered quiet. So I opened the door, stumbling in Kevin's shoes and falling flat on my face in the entrance. Ouch. Well, at least it wasn't on stage. Unfortunately it attracted the attention of Nick, who had been in the kitchen eating breakfast and watching television. Since when does he get up this early? Better question, why did I even get up this early? I should have known from my last three post office ventures that me and the morning was just not a good mix.

"Joe!" Nick jumped right out of his seat and towards me. What a good brother, coming to see if I'm okay.

"What are you doing up this early?" Actually never mind. He's not a good brother, he's nosy. Oh well, I would be asking myself the same thing. This probably does look very odd. You know what else is odd? The fact that I haven't removed my face from the carpet yet. Hmm, I should probably do that.

"Shut up, Nick," I answered, sitting up and pushing the front door closed. I gotta remember to lock it later, we don't want any crazy fans just inviting themselves inside. I sat cross-crossed in the entrance and grabbed the ends of Kevin's boots pulling them off. I should also remember that me and Kevin do not have the same size shoes. Maybe that's why they were killing me?

"Why are you wearing Kevin's shoes?" Nick asked, still standing in front of me. He didn't even offer to help me up. What a nice kid. "Actually, better question. Why are you wearing a bag of mail?" Crap. He caught me.

"I've become a mailman. I'd appreciate it if you supported my decision." I told him. He had the most confused expression, paired with an 'are-you-crazy' face. I took the opportunity to dash past him and upstairs to mine and Kevin's bedroom. This is another reason I need my own room, because Kevin will probably interrupt my mail reading. I at least had some good luck with one thing, because when I went into my bedroom Kevin wasn't there. He probably made a dash to the bathroom to use it before I could get a chance to. I wonder if he even noticed that I wasn't there this morning.

Without a second to waste I tore into the mail. There weren't more than thirty letters for me to go through and I was trying to read them as fast as I could, hoping that _her_ letter had come. I was beginning to doubt that she'd sent me another one after going through twenty five or so letters saying 'Nick have my babies! I love you guys! Come to _insert place here_!' as well as a lovely Barney t-shirt which I put to the side. But then I saw it. It was a plain envelope, with our address on the front and no return address. This one didn't say _To Ben_ on the front either, but I knew it was her just by the writing. She had this amazingly smooth and neat cursive and it was so enticing.

I flipped the envelope over, sticking my thumb under one side of the flap and tearing it open. In the back of my mind I noted not to do that again because my thumb stung from where I had burned it Saturday morning. The letter inside was so different from the one I remembered. The paper didn't have those light blue lines, but her writing was perfectly even as if it had been there anyways. The letter's style had changed as well. It wasn't the same cryptic messages, clouded with similes and metaphore's and hidden meanings. This was much more straight forward. This one letter let me get into the head of the girl I'd be imagining all weekend.

_I'm lost and I'm alone. Everything is a circle as I'm chasing it, and I'm not getting anywhere because there's never an end. This ache, this pain, this unbearable sadness is welling up and I can hardly control the emotions flooding through my veins. This isn't what I wanted, this isn't what I expected to feel. I never once thought I'd loose my other self. Without you, I've become someone I don't want to be. I've become someone I hate. It's just an on going roller coaster that never seems to stop. I __can't help these actions and these emotions, I just can't stand to be closer to anyone else but you._

_I've given up. I've quit so many times. I know I shouldn't, but I don't want to do it without you. I've sworn to myself over and over that I'm not going back. There aren't any colours anymore, everything is black and grey as if my eyes had gone colour-blind. And the pressure is pushing me harder, and I just want to let go. I just want to forget about every moment, before my soul became black. I want to run, run to the ends of the earth until this is nothing more but a fading memory that I no longer have to face. But I know I can't. If only you knew what you were putting me through. But I really can't place blame on you anymore than I can anyone else, because I'm the one that's been pushing, and distancing myself. But I don't want to be around them. Its like I'm surrounded by eyes, and they're gawking at me, staring as if I'm some kind of animal in a cage. As if I'm some kind of monster; and I really do feel like one for letting you slip through my hands without telling you how much I care._

_I Miss you, and I want you to come home._

I had no words for this. These letters and words were staring me straight in the face but it was so much more than that. My body felt a rush, as if I could feel everything she ever felt and every thought she ever had. I felt like I was completely connected to her, and I also felt like an idiot for getting myself in so deep. With two letters she had already stolen my heart and she probably didn't even know her letters had the wrong address. She probably didn't have any idea that I was falling for her, and I would most likely never know who the girl behind the letters was.

I could imagine her already. She would be blond, and her hair would be long. Her voice would be just as angelic as when I had imagined her singing her words to me. She was beautiful. But even if she looked nothing like I thought she would, my heart would still be hers. Because it wasn't her looks that drew me in, it was her words. Her words that were so full of emotion and meaning. The deepness of it all just connected with something inside of me, something I had never known I had.

And then with the emotion instilled in me, I took her example. I wrote, but I did it in my own way. I didn't write a poem, and I didn't write a letter, I wrote a song. I scrambled off my bed, shoving all the letters except hers back into the bag and hauled up my mattress. Underneath, there was a notebook. It was full of songs I had written that neither of my brothers had ever seen. They weren't our typical upbeat, rhyming songs. These were songs I never intended to record or preform in my life. They were just a way for me to get my own thoughts out so I wouldn't have to keep drowning them down deeper inside myself. I imagined she wrote her letters for the same reason. I flipped to an empty page, placing the pen onto it. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath and tried to organize my thoughts best I could.

"I wonder where you are. I wonder if you've found your other self, or are you still somebody else?" I repeated the words to myself as I wrote them, trying to get a feel for where I was going. "There's so much bottled up inside, and it's been shaken up it's going to explode. You can't stop it, you just can't stop it." The words were flowing from my thoughts to my mouth as I spoke them, and then to my hand as I transferred it all into writing. I wanted to get every feeling down on this paper so I could let it go for the time being.

"You say you're done. You swear you've gave it up. Running in circles, you don't even care that you're going nowhere. You hate yourself." My hand was furiously scribbling on the paper. The ink was dark and in some places there were 'jumps' where the ink hadn't even made contact with the paper because I was writing so quickly.

"I still wonder where you are. I wonder if the thorn's still in your side, will you pull it out in time?" I tapped my pen a few times on the paper, letting the next words flow out, singing along softly with them, "And now it starts to overflow, and spill its guts and ruins someone's soul. You can't stop it, you just can't stop it." I circled the 'paragraph' of words that I had written before this one and drew a line with an arrow, labeling it the chorus and making a note that it came again after this verse.

"You are my disaster, I can't stop chasing after. You're my disaster, I can't stop chasing you-"

"Who are you talking to Joe?" Kevin burst into the room. I shoved the book underneath my pillow and then laid back onto it. That was a close one. Hopefully I was really lucky and Kevin hadn't really heard a word of what I was saying.

"Uh, what are you talking about, Kev?" I asked him suspiciously, leaning up a bit and pretending that I hadn't been doing anything before he came into the room. Kevin gave me an odd look, crinkling his face in confusion.

"I heard you talking to somebody," It looked as if a light bulb went off on top of his head, "You weren't talking to yourself again, Joe, were you?" He asked, raising an eyebrow. Why would he even ask such a question? I'm not _insane_. I have more people to talk to them myself.

"No, of course not." I scoffed, sitting up cross-legged and leaning against the wall.

"Wouldn't be the strangest thing you did today. Nick told me you wanted to be a mailman." He sat down on his bed opposite me and gave me another one of his odd looks.

"So? At least I don't have sideburns." I taunted, trying to get the conversation away from myself. Kevin just shook his head at me, grabbing his glasses and a book of the bedside table and then standing up again. Did he really need to sit down just to do that?

"Whatever, Joe." He mumbled, heading towards the doorway.

"Hey Kevin," I called to him. He stopped when he got to the door and turned around.

"Yeah?"

"Can I talk to you for a minute?" I asked. I involuntarily winced at what I was about to confess, but I knew I should. Kevin would know what to do. Hell, Kevin always knew what to do. He was the 'cute, romantic one.'

"Uh, sure," Kevin answered me, walking back to his bed. He sat down again and placed his glasses and book back on the table where he'd grabbed them from. "What do you want to talk about?"

"Um, well, uh, you see..." I rubbed the back of my neck nervously. I was trying to debate how crazy I would sound when I finally spit it out. "See, there's kind of this girl." Kevin did what I least expected him to do. He cracked the biggest grin ever and laughed. Come on! It wasn't that funny. And to think, I was actually trying to be serious with him.

"Yeah, I should have known that," He laughed, leaning forward to rest his elbows onto his knees.

"Please don't laugh," I told him. My voice was oddly quiet and I looked down. My fingers found their way to my blanket as I began to pick the loose strands from it.

"Uh, I'm sorry?" Kevin asked, sensing my seriousness. He seemed unsure over whether he was supposed to apologize or not, "Joe?" I looked up, and he nodded at me, silently telling me to continue.

"Well, I really like her, but, I've never met her." I waited to see how Kevin would respond but he just gave a small nod, telling me he was listening and urging me to keep going. "She- Well, She writes me these letters, and I don't know Kev. Do you think I'm stupid?" I asked. I was looking for a clear and honest opinion. I knew I shouldn't fall for someone that I could possibly never find. This was all so uncertain, how could I even be sure she would keep sending me these letters?

"What? No, Joe." He told me, "I mean, if you two are writing to each other, what's wrong with that? It's the same as being on the Internet and people do that all the time."

"Yeah..." I mumbled, deciding to leave out the part where she had no idea that I was reading her letters. I would mail her back in a second flat if she ever put a return address on her letter, but she didn't so I couldn't. Scratch that- If she ever put a return address on her letter, I wouldn't mail her, I would go straight there to see her.

"So what's her name?" He asked the one question I didn't want to answer. How was I supposed to tell him I didn't know what her name was, just the first letter?

"Well... It's um," I stuttered a bit, "It's 'L'," I winced, waiting for his laughter. I mean, how couldn't he laugh when I just told him her name was a _letter._

"Elle, Hmm. Very Legally Blond, I like it." When I looked up, his eyes were to the ceiling and he seemed to be thinking about something. My very first thought was how he knew I had imagined her blond, and the second connected the movie reference. Then I groaned. He thought her name was _Elle_. This was going to be a tough one to get out of when the time came around.

"Is that it Joe?" He asked and I nodded. I guess I couldn't really come to him for help when I hadn't told him the entire story. If only he knew how crazy the situation really was.

"Wait, Kev, one more thing." I asked. He looked up at me, waiting for my question.

"You know Lola? Luftnagle? Grape-Head?" I asked. He rolled his eyes at the mention of her nickname.

"Stop calling the poor girl that, Joe."

"Anyways," I asked, disregarding his last statement, "Uh, do you happen to have her number? Dad, uh, well, he said there's another Hannah/Jonas concert on Friday and I wanted to know if she's going, and um, also how her brother was doing."

"Are you sure this girl's name is Elle and not _Lola_." He smirked. Oh, he thought he was so smart, didn't he? Well, he was wrong anyways.

"No, it isn't," I glared, "But do you have it?"

"Nah, I don't. Ask Nick, either he'll have it or he can ask Hannah." I didn't waste time in heading over to Nick's room. Keven left ours to go read in the basement saying he'd have much more peace and quiet. Without knocking, I just turned the doorknob, walking into Nick's room. He was sitting on the ground with his back leaning against his bed watching tv. Man, that kid really needs to get out of hi room every once and a while.

"Hey Nicky," I asked, he looked over his shoulder to see who it was but then immediately turned back to the television, "Do you have Lola's number?"

"Luftnagle?" He asked. It oddly reminded me of our conversation on Saturday.

"Do we even know any other Lolas?" I asked impatiently. He turned away from the screen and shrugged his shoulders. Walking towards his dresser he grabbed his phone and most likely went through his contacts list.

"Uh yeah, it's-"

"Hold on," I said, my eyes darting around the room until I spotted a pen. I picked it up and placed it against my arm, ready to write, "Okay, go." He mumbled off the number to me and I wrote it on my arm in the ink. That was probably going to be a hassle to get off later. I then walked out of the room, mumbling a 'thanks' as I made my way down the hall to my own. Not more than three seconds after I sat on my bed, I was dialing her number into my phone, waiting for her to answer.

"Hello?" Her voice was really soft, almost as if she didn't have the strength left to speak.

"Lola?" I asked, my eyes scrunching up.

"Um, who's asking?"

"It's Joe. You know, Jonas? From the concert, Hannah's friend?" I mumbled off, trying to make sure she knew who it was.

"Oh... Hi." She answered simply. It was quiet on her end of the phone, but I could make out the sound of a steady beeping. I wanted to ask her what it was, but I figured it wasn't any of my business.

"I, um, I see you got your phone back. You left it at the concert on Friday."

"I know. Hannah gave it back to me."

"Oh..." I didn't have a clue what to say to her. I should have planned this out before I called! I should have thought of a few conversation starters. "I heard about your brother."

"Is that why you're calling me? Because you feel bad?" She asked annoyed.

"What? No! I- I just wanted to see if you were doing okay. I was worried."

"Oh, well... Thank you." I could almost see her smile on the other end of the line, "I'm doing- well, I'm- God Joe! I'm horrible!" She sniffled into the phone and I immediately felt bad for asking just because I'd upset her.

"I- I'm sorry." I tried to apologize. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to say.

"No," She hick-uped, "No, don't be. I just-," I waited silently as she sighed, "It's hard."

"I don't know what to say," I figured I should be honest with her, "I've never had to go through something like that. I can't even begin to imagine how tough it must be."

"It is," She mumbled.

"Well, I know we don't really know each other well, but, for whatever it's worth, if you ever need anyone, I'll listen."

"I- Thank you Joe. You really don't know how much that means to me." I smiled when she said it. It was nice to know that I was helping her out in some way in such a depressing time.

"Look Joe, I kind of have to go," Her voice was quiet again, just like when she had answered the phone at first, "I'm- I'm kind of busy."

"Oh...Okay." I answered with a sullen hint to my voice. I didn't want to get off the phone yet. For some reason I wanted her to stay on the line, I wanted to listen to her voice speak to me.

"Um, Bye Joe." Were the last words she said before hanging up. And then it hit me why I wanted to listen to her. She sounded exactly like the girl I had imagined.

**A/N: Alright, a couple questions today. Would you like Joe to meet _Lilly_ (not Lola) before he finds out that she's the one writing the letters? Also, if you haven't seen/answered the questions last chapter regarding the new Nilly story, I'd still like to know what you think. One more: What's your favourite thing about summer?**

**Review and I'll adore you.**


	7. Chapter 7: Lilly

**A/N: I forgot to mention this last chapter but, credit for Joe's song goes to 'My Disaster – Silverstein.' I'd like to say a huge thank you to the reviewers. Amazing as usual. I am beyond sorry for getting this chapter out so late. I had to work a lot of hours, and then I got sidetracked watching the Jonas' on MOD... several times. Okay, anyways! I actually like how this chapter turned out, I took a lot of time on it, so I hope everyone likes it :)**

**Ps. This entire story has been mapped out and I know all of the major turning points that are going to happen and when, but you can still suggest some minor details to me. Also, half of the story is now finished :) Seven more chapters to go.**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Hannah Montana, and I have no doubt that If I did own the Jonas brothers, fan girls would be after me with pitchforks. Clearly I am currently alive, therefore I have not obtained ownership... yet.**

These Words

Chapter Seven: Falling Out

I woke up Friday morning with one of the worst headaches I had ever had. My eyes were burning and I pressed my hands to them trying to make the pain stop. Everything was blurry and I could barely manage to keep my eyes open. There was absolutely no way I was going to school like this. It didn't really matter much if I went or not considering I had skipped over half of my classes since Monday to visit Ben. I had spent the week just sitting in his room with him, telling him everything I had ever wanted to tell him, but never got the chance to.

I had stopped answering Max's phone calls on Tuesday after telling him I never wanted to see him again. He had then resorted to just coming to the house and I had slammed the door in his face every single time. I didn't want to be around him. I didn't want his negativity rubbing off on whatever hope I was trying to keep. He just kept saying _was_ over and over, and he just didn't seem to notice that Ben still had that chance to pull through. He still could, and I knew he would. Ben was strong, and if I just believed hard enough, and prayed long enough, he'd wake up.

My head was still pounding as I tried to drag myself from under my covers. I had actually begun to sleep again after Wednesday night. Before then, I was terrified to. I was terrified to wake up and find that Ben was already gone. To find that I hadn't had a chance to say goodbye to him. But now, I was letting myself relax, just a little bit, just enough to get the sleep I needed. I had gotten a phone call, or rather, Lola had gotten a phone call from Joe Wednesday night when I'd been sitting with Ben. Something about his voice just lulled me into a state of optimism, one that let me smile without feeling guilty about it. Even though his words hadn't been much, he had really helped me.

"Ughhh," I groaned, grabbing the side of my head and stumbling towards my bedroom door. I could still remember the nightmare I had last night. It was fresh in my mind and it's was still resting beneath my eyelids when I closed them. It was bloody and it was gore-y and I had been standing right in the middle of it. With my own eyes, I had watched these horrible people beat my brother into his comatose state. Thinking back to it, I was terrified. The images that still lingered made me want to forget about sleeping ever again in my life, despite the progress I'd made since Wednesday.

The motions I was going through made getting down the stairs that much harder. Despite my recent use of the spiral staircase, I opted to use the back one that lead right to the kitchen. It had railings on both sides as well as walls which made it just a bit easier to make my way to the first floor. My _mother_, if I could even consider her one after the way she's been dealing with Ben's situation, was already at work, so I knew I would have no problem with staying home. James, who I had formerly referred to as my father but didn't deserve such a title anymore, was never home anyways, and if he was I wouldn't care in the slightest. He didn't care about Ben, so why should I care about him?

When my feet finally reached the kitchen tiles, I treaded over towards the cupboards. There was a special one on the left side, right next to the fridge that had all of our medications in it. Most of it was cough syrup or allergy meds for me or Ben in case it was allergy season or one of us caught a cold. There were a couple of inhaler's for my mother's asthma, and then the bottle of aspirin. I reached for the aspirin, relieved a bit just at the sight of it. It felt as if my head was about to collapse into itself. I guess it wasn't really a big deal anyways, since that's how my heart felt on most days since the last Friday.

I opened the bottle, spilling two pills into my hands. For a few seconds I wondered if I should just empty the entire contents of the bottle into my mouth and end this, but I couldn't manage to do it. The sink sounded oddly funny as I poured a glass of water, but I disregarded it, staring at the chalk white pills in my hand, watching them as if they were about to do some sort of trick for me. Then I swallowed, praying to God that somehow this would ease the pain, and at the very least rid me of my headache.

Some while later I remember being woken up by the door bell. I dragged myself out of bed for the second time that day, wondering to myself how I had ended back up there in the first place. As I reached the front door I was hesitant to open it, thinking it might be Max. He had been hounding me every single day this week, trying to talk to me, not getting the message that I wasn't willing to talk. I was half questioning when he would finally give up until I was broken from my train of thought by the door bell ringing several times more.

Peeking through the curtains of the front window I saw that it was Miley standing on my doorstep. She waved to me, and I groaned, knowing I had to let her in now that she'd seen me. I already had a headache, I didn't need her to talk my ear off and make it much worse than it already was.

"Hi Miley," I said quietly, opening the door as little as possible for her to get in. I tried to limit the amount of sunlight I was exposed to because it could _not_ be good for this migraine. She stepped inside my house, holding the strap of her messenger bag tight to her chest. As soon as she was inside, I immediately closed the door, grimacing in the darkness of the room. The brightness had both upset my headache and caused me to go temporarily blind.

"Hi Lilly," Miley smiled sadly. She didn't dare move further into my house than the entrance. She'd been over here so many times before and she had always been so comfortable that her sudden nervousness surprised me.

"Um, you can come in." I told her, raising my head to my head again. I walked into the kitchen, Miley following, and turned on the light that hung above our kitchen table. It was bright, but it was dim enough for me to keep my headache in check. Remembering about my headache, I turned to the cupboards and grabbed myself a glass, getting some water. I then dug two more of the chalky pills from the bottle and swallowed again, hoping to ease the pounding.

"I brought you some of the school work," Miley told me, sitting at the kitchen table. I didn't know why she even bothered to bring me any of this because it wasn't as if I was going to do it anyways. I didn't have time for school work anymore, I only had time for Ben because he was my main concern.

"Oh...Um, thank you." Despite the fact that I really wasn't that thankful, I wasn't going to be unappreciative of my best friend's efforts. She took the time out of her day to come to my house and give me this work because she actually cared about how I was doing in school and didn't want me to fall behind. I wasn't going to go ahead and not give a damn and be rude to her.

"Would you like something to drink?" I asked her, trying to play the model hostess. The air in the room was oddly uncomfortable and I was trying to make her feel at least a bit more at home in my house.

"Um, no thanks Lilly," She smiled, taking the work out of her bag and placing it onto the table. I could easily tell she was trying to pick her words carefully with me. I didn't see why really, unless she thought I would erase her from my life like I did Max if she said one wrong thing. Didn't she know she was my best friend though? Didn't she know I could count on her?

"Okay..." I leaned against the counter opposite where she was sitting. The air was tense and I couldn't come up with anything to help ease it away.

"Lilly, I wanted to know if-" Her sentence was cut short by the sound of my telephone ringing. I swear to God, if Max is calling my house _again_ I'll, well, I don't know what I'll do but I sure as hell won't pick it up. Instead of seeing Max's name flashing across the caller ID, I saw a rather unfamiliar number. I scrunched my eyes up, trying to remember if I had ever seen it before, but I couldn't come up with anything. Finally, after a few rings, I answered, not expecting what I heard.

"Hello?"

"Hello. I'm looking for Mrs. Truscott." The voice came back to me stiff and professional. I knew it couldn't be her work calling because all her coworkers recognized my voice and would have asked How I was. Besides, she was at work now anyways, so they wouldn't have called for her.

"Um, She's-" I was about to tell the man that she was at work, but I changed my mind at the last second. I don't know what compelled me to do it, maybe it was the lack of information I had been getting lately, or maybe the splitting headache was impairing my judgment, but I pretended I was my mother. "Actually, this is she."

"Mrs. Truscott, this is the Malibu police department calling about your son's case."

"Oh..." I tried to regulate my breathing and my voice began to waver. My heart was pounding and my entire attention was focused on the phone. In the distance, I could vaguely make out Miley asking who was on the phone, but I ignored her for the time being.

"The Pacific Hospital contacted us recently after you signed the release statements on the drug tests. We've been able to use this information in gathering leads. We'd like you to come down the the station to review these items with you."

"Oh, I um, I can't. Could you please just tell me now?" I knew that if they wanted my mother to come to the station I'd be caught. I, obviously, couldn't pose as my mother in person, and if they expected her to show up and she never came they would probably call her to see what was up.

"Sure, Mrs. Truscott," I silently let out a breath of relief, "We've been able to gather that your son, Benjamin had been associating with several local drug dealers for up to six months prior to the incident. A few of his friends who had known of this came forward anonymously to give us some information. We've been told that he owed up to three thousand dollars to his dealer and was unable to come up with the money." He paused for a few seconds, apparently waiting for some kind of response, but continued when I didn't say anything. "Did your son paint portraits, ma'am?"

"Yes." I answered immediately, "Yes, he does."

"He was selling them online to pay for this habit." I almost dropped the phone when he confessed this piece of information. How could Ben use something to beautiful to fund something so evil and morally wrong? His paintings weren't meant to be a way of him getting his next fix. They should have been about expression and passion, never this.

"I-I see." It was all I could mumble out without shredding to tears.

"Your son's doctor, Doctor Weston, also went ahead with the surgery you requested earlier this morning." When he said this, my eyes widened and I almost began to hyperventilate. I needed to compose myself, I had to stay strong until I hung up the phone. "She was able to successfully recover the bullet from your son's cranium. The crime lab has identified it as coming from a Smith and Wesson 9mm semi-automatic handgun. We've searched our databases and have found several owners of this make of gun. I assure you, we're doing our best to find out the culprit."

"T-Thank you." I stuttered, "Um. My daughter- She's home from school. I need to go." I lied. I didn't even wait for a response from the man before I hung up the phone and collapsed. Miley rushed over to me within seconds, continuously asking me what had happened. I clung to the handles on the bottom cupboards to steady myself as I sat on the tiles. How could this all have happened without me knowing? I hadn't even known that Ben had been _shot,_ but apparently my mother did because she had requested some sort of surgery without even consulting me. How could she do that? How could she just leave me out of my brother's life?

"Lilly! Lilly, what happened?" Miley asked, kneeling down in front of me.

"Miley," I croaked. However hard I tried, I couldn't keep the sobs from coming, "Miley, somebody did this to him."

"What?" Miley asked calmly, "Lilly, your not making sense."

"Someone wanted to hurt him," I cried, "It- It was the police department. They said Ben owed money, and-and he couldn't pay, so they tried to k-k-kill him." I had to force myself to say the word 'kill'. It was beyond me how someone could ever want to murder Ben. My Ben. My wonderful, caring, talented, beautiful Ben. He was the best brother in the world, and the most amazing person I had ever known and yet someone wanted him dead. What kind of heartless son of a bitch would do that?

"Oh my god." Miley's eyes widened. She leaned back away from me for a moment, just to take it all in. She then grabbed me, pulling me into her arms, hugging me tightly.

"Don't worry, Lilly." She whispered, "Ben's an amazing person, you and I know that. They're going to get whoever did this." I could only nod into her shoulder. I pulled away after a moment, wiping the tears off my cheek. At least now I knew what was really happening instead of being completely left in the dark.

"Are you alright? Do you want me to leave?" She asked. I shook my head 'no'.

"No Miley. I don't want to be alone. And yeah... I'm.. I'm okay."

"Okay..." She whispered, "I'll stay for a while, but, there's another Hannah concert tonight. Would you like to come and get your mind off things? I think it'll be good for you." She tried to coax me into coming with her, and I have to admit it did work. I nodded, pulling myself up with help from the kitchen counter top.

"Yes, please." I told her. I don't know why, but it seemed like I couldn't help but be oddly polite to her when I was this upset.

"Okay. Do you want to go pick out a Lola outfit?" She asked. I noticed that she seemed to be speaking to me as if I was some kind of child who couldn't make their own decisions. I wasn't angry at her for treating me this way however, because that was exactly how I felt. I felt like a six year old who had no idea what was going on. I felt scared, and lost, and so out of control, and it was nice to have someone to guide me.

"...yeah." I mumbled, and the two of us made our way upstairs to my bedroom. After sifting through a lot of different clothes, Miley finally seemed to pick something out that I agreed with. She had initially gone for the whole Lola effect, but I wasn't feeling at all up to it. She had wanted to put me in skinny jeans and jean skirts but I knew I wouldn't be able to sit comfortable in them, and I definitely wasn't interested in an uncomfortable night. She finally picked out a red summer dress I had from a few years back. It had spaghetti straps, and a thick black strip as an empire waist. It was a little short on the legs, hitting my upper thigh, since I hadn't worn it in forever, so she paired it with some black leggings.

"Kay, I'm going to go get changed into my Hannah stuff in your washroom; I brought it with me in case you wanted to come. You put on your outfit and I'll come and put your wig and makeup on, okay?" I could only nod, unable to speak or I'd start sobbing all over again.

Less than an hour later, Miley had fixed my long purple wig onto my head and put on as little makeup as possible. She didn't want to cover my face in case I broke out in tears. Before walking out the door I had caught sight of the letter I had written on Wednesday after my talk with Joe. I grabbed it, shoving it into my purse and making a note to mail it tonight if I had the time. Mr. Stewart and Oliver, as Mike Standley III, had then come to pick us up from my house in the limo and I had tried my hardest to act normal, all the while receiving reassuring glances from Miley. The entire ride I had been wondering if the Jonas' were opening up again for her, or if it was a joint concert, but I didn't have to wait long to get my answer.

"Lola!" As soon as I entered the backstage room I felt a pair of arms engulf me into a hug.

"Hi Joe." I answered back, on the verge of tears. If this concert was supposed to get my mind off of Ben, it wasn't helping in the slightest.

"You look nice." Joe offered with a smile, probably trying to make me feel a little bit better.

"Thank you," I answered. I tried my best to mirror his smile, I really did, but I'm sure mine came out much more solemn. I don't know how I could have really thought I was capable of smiling after the news I had gotten earlier.

"Oh! Um, sit down." He told me, grabbing my hand and leading me over towards the couch where his other two brothers were sitting.

"Hi Lola," Nick waved.

"Hey Lola," Kevin smiled too. I mumbled a 'hello' to both of them as well, but couldn't find it in myself to try and smile again. Joe sat next to me, his grip never falling short of mine. It made me wonder for a moment why he was still holding my hand.

"How are you holding up?" His voice whispered into my ear. I could feel his breath on my neck and it almost made me shiver. And then I realized what he had asked. My eyes went downcast and I took a deep breath. Slowly, I turned my head, raising my eyes to meet his. When I did, I felt the squeeze on the hand he was still holding and was grateful he hadn't let go.

"Not too good," I answered honestly. My voice was just as quiet as his was. "He's not getting any better. I don't have anyone without him," When I uttered the sentence my eyes started to well up with tears. I sniffed, and I felt Joe pull me into another one of his bear hugs. I hugged him back just as tight, if not tighter.

"You have me," He whispered his words into my hair. He pulled his head back, pressing his lips to my cheek. I felt every worry drain away from me in that moment as though everything in the world was completely at peace, "You just have to believe."

Unfortunately whatever moment had just occurred was interrupted when the boys were called to preform. Joe smiled at me again, squeezing my hand gently before letting go and walking off to do his show. I missed the warmth that his hand in mine gave me, and I missed the the calmness I felt whenever he was around. As soon as he left, I felt so alone again.

"Lilly?" Miley's voice was penetrating my thoughts. I wrapped my arm around myself, trying to get back the feeling Joe had given me as I looked up to meet her gaze.

"Yeah?"

"I-I want to talk to you about something." She got up from her chair and came to sit next to me on the couch.

"Okay," I answered her. My voice wavering and was unnaturally quiet.

"Well... you know Max?" Miley asked.

"Yes." I spat forcefully. I hated him.

"Well," Miley sighed. She looked over to Oliver for help. I hadn't even realized he was sitting three feet away from me.

"Well, I think I like him..." She trailed off.

"Really?" I had suddenly found my voice, almost laughing.

"Yeah... Please don't be mad Lilly. He's really nice."

"I hate you." I told her. My voice didn't stutter or waver once. The words were forceful and I meant them with every bone in my body.

"I-What?" She asked, taken aback.

"I said I hate you!" I yelled, my voice rising with each word. I stood up, and she matched me. Her eyes were looking into mine, looking for any sign that this was an overreaction.

"Lilly..." Her eyes were searching mine still. If she was smart, she would stop looking for an answer she would never get. How could I have ever called this traitor my best friend?

"Whore," I spat. She looked shocked at my words.

"Lilly! It's just a guy!" Oliver shouted, standing next to her. Oh, so he was taking her side now? Fine. I didn't need either of them. If he was going to side with this slut of a friend, I didn't want to speak with him either.

"Shut up, Oliver!" I yelled, turning to glare at him. His mouth immediately closed. I then focused my attention back to the _whore_, narrowing my eyes, "Ben's not even dead yet and you've already replaced him." I shook my head, a sick laughter escaping my lips. I shoved past her, grabbing my purse off the couch and walking towards the door.

"You know it's not like that, Lilly!" She yelled after me.

"Have a good show, Hannah _Slut_ana," I cried, taking off down the hallway. I could hear her and Oliver calling my name, but I didn't stop. Why would I stop for a couple of back stabbers who didn't care about Ben or me? I was better off without them anyways.

After skillfully escaping paparazzi, I managed to catch a taxi home, taking the same route as I had the week before. At the end of my street, I stopped at the mailbox and I dug through my purse, looking for the last thing that I could depend on. The only thing I had left were these letters. They gave me hope; they made me believe that somehow these letters were getting to their destination and that someone was reading them and knew exactly how I was feeling. My heart almost stopped when I couldn't find the white envelope. I had lost it. I had lost my thoughts, my feelings, and the last thing I could really trust in this world. My words were gone.

**A/N: Halfway done folks! Also, the Nilly should be up sometime next week, depending on my schedule. If you'd like to help out with Ideas or anything, please PM. Kay, now I have a few questions. 1) Who's chapter's do you like more/find more interesting? Lilly's or Joe's? Annnd 2) Who is your favourite band, besides the Jonas Brothers?**

**Review Please!**


	8. Chapter 8: Joe

**A/N: Major major thank you to reviewers! You guys rock. Also, you guys also have good taste in music. Anyways, short Author's note today. Enjoy the chapter. Six left.**

**Ps. I forgot to answer this from a few chapters back. _bbymojo_: Lilly _isn't_ sending the letters to the wrong address. On the night Ben went into the coma and she wrote her first letter, she sent the letters to a random fan mail address she saw in a magazine, and just keeps sending them to the same address. She does this because it gives her hope that someone is actually reading them and knows how she's feeling, since she thinks that none of her friends can understand what she's going through. Sorry if I confused you.**

**Disclaimer: See previous chapter.**

These Words

Chapter Eight: Frustration

Friday. What a wonderful, pleasant day. Fridays were always the best days, whether it was because of the weekend, or something else. Fridays had always been my favourite day of the week, and today was no different. I hadn't had to get up early today, despite the fact that we were going to do one of my favourite things, an interview, but I did anyways. I was up bright and early, running off to the post office to check for her letter. It had become a habit to check, I was almost paranoid that if I didn't get the mail, somehow her letters would stop coming. After returning, sifting through the fan mail and finding nothing, I still managed to beat Kevin into our bathroom.

"Joe! Come on!" This situation oddly reminded me of last week's events. The only difference was that I was in an extremely good mood today. We had an interview, yes, but also a concert. The best part was that it was a split concert with Hannah so I was eager to see Lola and ask how she was doing. Since we'd talked on Wednesday I couldn't manage to get her off my mind. Her voice had sounded exactly like _Elle_'s, or rather, what I had thought _Elle_ would sound like. Maybe my mind had matched Lola's voice to _Elle_'s because it had been less than twenty four hours since I'd seen her.

If it isn't obvious, I've taken a liking to calling my mystery girl Elle. Kevin's assumption just immediately caught on and it made me sound a lot less crazy and stalkerish than just 'L' did. So Elle it was, but I still caught myself every once in a while wondering what her name would be. I had thought up so many names, from Lesley to Lisa and then Lindsay, but none of them felt right. None of them felt like her. Her name would have to be different, just like her, but ordinary in the same way. She was a normal girl going through something hard, but she had an entirely original perspective. A perspective that made it's way into my thoughts and into my words. My brother's were acting starting to question some of the things I was saying just because I had taken a leaf out of her... letters?

"Joe! I-" Kevin's sentence stopped suddenly when I unlocked the door and opened it for him. I was standing in front of the mirror, styling my hair. I had already had a shower and everything way before I had left to get the mail, so all I had really needed to do was straighten my hair and put in some gel.

"Yes Kevin?" I asked, a cheery and almost mocking smile on my face. He was still standing at the door, his fist raised mid-air as if he were about to knock. His forehead was crinkled and he was looking at me very weirdly.

"You're done already?" He asked, tilting his head to the side. The whole scene seemed so oddly familiar, except for me being ready so early, and then add him banging on the door for another twenty or so minutes.

"Why yes, Kev-o," I teased, giving myself one last look in the mirror. Yep, my hair was perfection, as usual. I laughed, putting down the gel and walking past Kevin out into the hallway. He stood there, stuttering at the oddity of it all before walking into the bathroom, mumbling to himself and shutting the door. Soon after that I could hear the shower turn on and figured that I should wake Nick up. It was almost ten now and I'd been up since seven this morning, I needed some excitement. I also could hardly wait another two hours to leave for Malibu. Our interview was at one at one of the local radio stations there.

"Hey Nickel!" I yelled, letting myself into Nick's room, "Rise and shine, it's a beautiful day!"

"Shut up and go away, Joe!" One of his pillows was suddenly in my face and the other was hauled over his head. Oh no, not today. We had all graciously let him sleep in for the past week and ten wasn't even that early to be awake! Plus, on Wednesday he had been up at eight thirty, or maybe even earlier because he had caught me coming in with the mail.

"Nickkkkk," I whined, flopping on to his bed, "Wakey wakeyyy."

"Go play with Frankie, Joe." He answered me groggily, "I swear, the two of you have the same maturity level. Not even, that would be an insult to Frank."

"Someone's cranky in the morning," I rolled my eyes, continuing to shove him. He didn't budge, except for the one arm that would come up every now and then to attempt to swat me away. Tough luck for him, because I wasn't going anywhere.

"Come on," I told him, shoving his shoulder harder, "We're leaving in two hours anyways."

"Exactly," He answered back, clearly annoyed, "That gives me another hour and forty five minutes to sleep, so get lost." He pulled his covers tighter to his body and shifted away from me. Did he actually think I was giving up that easily? Well, he was sure in for a shock then. I got up from my spot on his bed, stepping away and trying to be extra quiet. I reached for the door knob, opening the door and then closing it again without leaving the room. When he muttered a 'Finally' and relaxed, I let a rather sly smile coax it's way onto my face. Oh this would be fun.

"Nickel!" I shouted his nickname again, completely diving right onto his bed. Instead of landing nicely, I somehow managed to slide into him, tangling myself in his sheets and then continue on my track right off the bed. To say it rather simply, my face met his floor, and I couldn't even get myself up because I was wrapped up in about three different blankets. Did this kid really need to be _that_ warm at night?

"Joe!" I could hear Nick yell at me. Fortunately I couldn't see him through the heap of blankets, and I was kind of hoping he wouldn't see me either since I knew he was going to have the look of murder on his face. Suddenly the blankets were torn off me and Nick was standing there, pajamas and all, giving me the aforementioned look. I could only smile sheepishly from my place on the floor.

"I was bored! Can you blame me?!" I asked, shrugging my shoulders. The blankets came down on my head again and I could hear Nick grunting and uttering some pretty mean stuff under his breath. I didn't take it personally though, he was a cranky kid at these hours, and I just happened to be annoying. Sometime after that, Nick had taken his shower, Kevin had finished getting ready and I had passed the time playing webkinz with Frankie. I swear, Frank must've been the most normal one out of us all.

"Boys, we're leaving!" My dad had called us from downstairs. Finally it was interview time! I helped Frankie gather a few of his favourite toys into a backpack and the two of us headed down to meet my dad. All these sorts of things probably got really boring for Frankie since he mostly just sat and played with toys. However, I was pretty sure that Mom was going to take him to the Malibu Mall while we were busy at the station to keep him occupied. Dad always stayed with us though, since he was our manager.

A little while later we had finally got to the local Radio station. I had hopped out of the car anxiously; Interviews were always the greatest. Something about them just always made me so excited. I wasn't sure exactly what I liked about them, considering it was just us answering questions on air, but I have to say, it was better than the magazine photo shoots. Before anyone could tell me otherwise, I had taken off into the building. Nick and Kevin followed by my dad and big Rob came in shortly after. I was guessing that my Dad had hung back a few minute to say goodbye to Mom before she took Frankie to the mall.

Within minutes, the three of us, being me, Kev-o, and Nickel, were seated in front of microphones, our dad prepping us on a few things we weren't allowed to spill on air. It wasn't anything too serious, just those industry secrets and surprises we had coming up, nothing interesting anyways. Okay, so it actually was very interesting, but I'm prohibited from telling.

"Well, alright!" The newscaster guy person announcer man began saying, "We've got the Jonas Brothers in the studio today for a live, on-air interview!" I was surprised that I couldn't hear a mob of screaming girls out the window. It appeared that we had actually kept something under wraps for once. See, this is why we have secrets, so that we don't have death via fan girl, because no doubt had there actually been a huge crowd here, I would have been attacked the second I had went into the building without Big Rob or my Dad. And trust me, death by fan girl is not fun. Well, I take that back, I wouldn't really know because I'm not dead, nor have I had a really extreme fan encounter. Hmm, that's a tricky thing to ponder.

"So how is everyone doing today?" The newscaster guy person announcer man asked again. That's a really long name so we're just going to call him, 'The man'. Does that sound alright? Yeah? Good. Man, I wish I was the man.

"Great!" I responded, cutting off both Kevin and Nick. Both of them were about to say something but I beat them to it "How are you?" I asked _The Man_.

"Good, good," He answered, "So you recently got back from your tour, how was that?"

"Oh it was awesome," Kevin answered, "We did fifty two- I think, right? Fifty-two?" He looked to my dad, who nodded, before continuing, "Yeah, fifty two different stops. It was really crazy being able to go to sleep in one city and wake up in another."

"Yeah, we actually added a few more shows than we originally planned because they were selling out so fast." Nick cut in.

"So, your back home in LA now, right?" We all quipped in with some variation of 'yeah', "So what're you doing now?"

"Well, interviews and a lot of press," I answered, "We're doing a few concerts now and then with Hannah Montana here in Malibu since she's off tour as well. We actually have one later tonight."

"I'll bet all the girls are just rushing out to grab tickets," The man laughed. Personally, I didn't find it all too funny, but whatever works for him, I guess.

"Alright, we've got some callers calling in to ask you a few questions. This is Katie from right here in Malibu, your on Katie!" The man said enthusiastically.

"Hi Guys!" Her voice was very high pitched, so much that I almost cringed.

"Hi Katie," We all answered at once.

"First I just want to say that I love your music and you guys are great," We all simultaneously 'awh'ed and thanked her. "I just wanted to know, since you travel a lot, what has been your favourite place to visit?"

"Bahamas!" I yelled out my answer, "I love it there! We always vacation there. Yeah, it's Bahamas for me."

"Yeah, definitely Bahamas," Nick agreed.

"I don't know guys, I really liked London." Kevin answered. We all waited patiently for our next question, or caller, or whatever this guy had in store for us. Sorry, sorry, I mean _The man._

"Our next caller is Jenna from West Malibu," We offered our hello's and she went through the same process of telling us that she loved both us and our music before continuing with her question.

"This one is for Joe. What was the weirdest or nerdiest thing you've ever done?"

"Oh, that's a hard one," I confessed, thinking.

"Joe's just weird in general," Kevin added, laughing and Nick agreed. I managed to hit both of them with my arms. Being in the middle always has it's advantages.

"Hmm, It would probably be- Okay, well, as I kid, I used to collect pens. That was pretty, yeah- That's it." I laughed, remembering when I did that. That memory then brought me full circle to the time I had stabbed Kevin with a pencil. Oh yes, Good times, good times.

"On to the next question!" The man announced, "We've got yet another caller from Malibu. Leia, your on the air."

"Hi guys!" We again went through the formalities, the whole love-shebang, "Okay, When your interested in a girl and don't know how to win her over, what do you do?"

"Ask Kevin," I blurted out, cutting off whatever answer Nick was about to say. Kevin just burst out, full on laughing.

"Wow!" He laughed, "It's actually really funny that that question would come up." Insert pause from Kevin to catch his breath, "Just the other day Joe was asking me about this."

"Really?" The man asked, "So you've got a leading lady in your life, Joe?"

"Uh, well, not exactly-" I tried to say, but Kevin's extremely large and loud mouth cut me off.

"Oh yeah! She's got him good."

"Kevin," I warned, glaring at him out of the corner of my eyes. Nick just stayed silent through this all, clearly confused.

"We were actually sitting in our room the other day, and he just asks me about this girl."

"Kevin, seriously-"

"It was nice to see him genuinely interested in someone. I mean, when we're on tour he dates, but I've never seen him this into someone."

"Kev-"

"So who's the lucky girl?" The man cut me off, shooting the question at Kevin. Shouldn't he be asking _me_ about _my_ love life? Could this even be considered a love life?

"Her name's Elle-"

"Kev!" I yelled, shoving him. I was mentally trying to burn a hole in his head with my glare. I ripped the headphones off, slamming them down on the desk next to the microphones. I didn't like _Elle_, I liked 'L'. I mean, it was okay for him to refer to her as _Elle_ around me, or for me to call her that when I was talking to Kevin, but I didn't want the country knowing I liked some imaginary girl named after the main character of a legally blond movie. I liked _L_, the girl who touched the deepest parts of me with her words. I think I was most concerned that she would hear this, hear that I liked _Elle_ and not _L_ and give up and never send me a letter again. The simple thought of that terrified me.

"Thanks a lot Kevin." I told him viciously, storming out of the station. Unfortunately my exit wasn't nearly as dramatic as intended, because I had to be escorted out by Big Rob while my brothers quickly tried to wrap up the rest of the interview. I officially hated interviews now.

"What was up with that Joe?!" Kevin asked, sliding into the car.

"What was up with that?! Are you serious Kevin?" I asked, still glaring. Thankfully my dad had opted to take a second car to the venue where we would be preforming in a few hours. We obviously couldn't go out since we were well-known, and it would be a waste of time to go home, so we were going straight to the concert.

"You flipped!" He answered me, "I Just-"

"Who's Elle?" Nick asked, cutting both me and Kevin off.

"Who's Elle?! Who's Elle?!" I yelled, frustrated.

"Yeah.. that's what I asked," Nick was obviously confused.

"Well, _Elle_ is a girl. And she's blond, and she has blue eyes, and the most amazing voice. And she's absolutely gorgeous and passionate and just plain great. And _Elle_ doesn't know I like her, but of course, now the whole country does! All thanks to your genius of a brother!" I answered, continuously shooting looks at Kevin.

"You didn't tell her you like her?!" Kevin asked, his jaw dropping.

"No! Of course not!" I'm still glaring. Kevin is still stupid.

"Well, I guess she's in for a shock now." Oh yeah, quite a shock. For god's sake she didn't even know I knew who she was. Well, technically I didn't know who she was either, but, oh whatever, same thing, different meaning. She was going to think I had fallen for some other stupid fake girl when it was really her who had my heart, even if she didn't know that yet.

"Shut up, Kevin." I rolled my eyes, leaning back in my seat, "Idiot."

"Oh Whatever Joe, let it go." Kevin answered annoyed. Stupid Kevin and his stupid rhymes.

"Hey, is Lola going to be at the show?" Nick piped up from the back seat, leaning forward. I immediately perked up.

"Lola's going to be there?"

"I don't know, that's what I just asked." He grumbled. I couldn't imagine Lola actually taking time to come to Hannah's show. Or, well, our show... and Hannah's? Our Joint show? Okay, just _the_ show. She had a lot to deal with and she had seemed pretty upset when I had talked to her on Wednesday. If she was there, I was going to try and do everything possible to cheer her up. Well, we had to go on first, but right after we played I'd do monkey faces and rap and tell corny jokes and whatever it took to make her smile. I loved her smile.

We hung out at the venue for a while, waiting backstage. We had gotten there at around two thirty, and did a bunch of stuff to set up. Time flew pretty quickly, and when we did have a few spare minutes we just goofed off. Me and Kev had pretty much put the interview ordeal behind us by the time we heard Hannah would be arriving. We were sitting in the backstage hang-out type room, waiting for the girls to get here, bored out of our faces. I could hear Hannah's voice getting closer and jumped up towards to door to greet them when they walked in. The first thing I saw was the long purple haired head of Lola Luftnagle. I was tempted to yell 'Grape-Head' but knew she wouldn't appreciate that.

"Lola!" I exclaimed, pulling her into a giant hug, smiling the entire time.

"Hi Joe," Her voice was small and sad. I released her from the hug, making a promise to myself to try and make her smile. I looked her over, noticing the less drastic attire. I must admit, it did look very nice.

"You look nice," I told her honestly, smiling still, trying to get her to smile back.

"Thank you," She mumbled. The tiniest of smiles appeared on her lips. I could tell it was forced, but at least she was trying. I felt oddly proud of myself for putting it there, and I told myself I should try and make her smile much more often. Even when it was small, it was gorgeous.

"Oh! Um, sit down." I told her, grabbing her hand and pulling her gently towards the couch. Both Nick and Kevin greeted her as we got closer. I sat her down on the end, and I let myself flop right next to her. When I realized I was still holding her hand, I panicked for a moment, wondering if I should let go. Instead, I took a bold move, keeping her hand entangled in mine.

"How are you holding up?" I leaned forward a bit so I could whisper it into her ear. I wasn't about to go announcing our conversation to the entire room. I doubt she wanted that either, since it was a very personal subject. I watched her as her breath caught in her throat and she tried to take a deep breath. When her eyes turned to mine, I was temporarily stunned.

"Not too good," She told me rather honestly. I felt my heart clench tighter in my chest for her. She didn't deserve this. "He's not getting any better. I don't have anyone without him." I saw the tears welling up in her eyes and as soon as I heard her sniffle, I made my move. I gently pulled her to me, wrapping my arms around her tightly. Her arms found their way around me as well, gripping me just as hard.

"You have me." The words left my lips and dissolved into her purple hair. Closing my eyes, I prepared myself for the bold move I was about to make. I pulled my head back just enough to lay a kiss on her cheek, all the while wondering if I should. "You just have to believe." I drew the words from _L_. She was the one that taught me to find something, anything to believe in. She was the one who taught me that all we ever needed to do was believe.

I sighed when I heard our names being called to the stage. I don't know if I imagined it or if it really did happen, but I think Lola and I just had a moment. Was this even possible? Could you have a _moment_ with someone who you didn't _like_? I mean, I liked her as a friend, but I didn't _like_ her. Did I? Oh god, I do, don't I? This isn't good. I like some sort of fantasy girl who I will probably never know, and Lola, whom I would never go after because I didn't want to complicate her situation with Buddy even more so. I really just screw things up for myself, don't I?

Our time on stage seemed like hours. I couldn't wait to step off and get back to that backstage room. I wanted to follow through on my plan to make Lola smile. I wanted her to feel some ounce of happiness in her life. I wanted her to smile, and I wanted her to laugh. Most of all, I wanted to be the one to make her feel better. As soon as I came off stage I immediately raced towards the room. I had the biggest smile on my face, that is, until I slid into the doorway and saw that Lola was gone.

"Hannah?" I asked, my eyes crinkling as I searched the room for any sign of the purple headed girl. Hannah was hunched over on the couch, her hands covering face. At the sound of her name, she looked up at me and I could see the tears in her eyes.

"Hannah! What's wrong?" I asked, making my way over next to her. I looked up at Mike who was sitting across from us, both sad and stunned.

"Why are you crying?" I asked, sitting next to her. She let her head fall back into her hands and started crying again. My hand found its way to her back, rubbing it as I tried to comfort the poor girl. Where were my brothers when you needed them? I mean, I don't want to seem insensitive, but, I needed to find Lola!

"It's Lola," Hannah, choked out. My eyes widened and my ears perked up.

"What happened? Is she okay? Is it Buddy? Where is she?" Questions fell out of my mouth in a landslide.

"No. It's- She hates me." Hannah cried again, "That's why she left."

"What? No. I'm sure she doesn't," I tried to reassure her, but she cut me off.

"No, she told me she did. She said she hates me." She sobbed. I looked up to Mike and he nodded, confirming, but that just didn't sound like Lola to me. "I told her- Well, I told her I liked this guy and she flipped out on me, and now she hates me."

"Oh.." I answered, at a loss for words. I didn't think Lola would overreact like that, but of course I had only known the girl for a week and Hannah had been best friends with her for only god knows how long. Despite that fact, I knew there must've been more to it, but I wasn't going to pry. I wasn't a nosy person.

"Hannah, your on in five!" Some scrawny stage person came into the room. When Hannah heard this she stood, wiping away her tears and running a hand through her hair.

"I'm sorry," She sniffled, "But I'm not going on. I'll do another concert some other time for free, just not tonight." Without another word she had run out of the room, Mike Standley right on her heels.

"Hey Joe, where are Hannah and Lola?" Oh, so _now_ they decide to come in. I could have used them there five minutes ago.

"They left," I mumbled from my place on the couch. I figured I would call Lola later, and if she was willing to tell me, then I'd know what really happened.

"They did?" Nick asked, and I nodded.

"Yeah, Why?"

"Well, I found this envelope in the hallway and I wanted to ask them if it was either of theirs. It was kinda just... there." Nick told me. I crinkled my eyebrows, standing up from the couch and walking over. I grabbed the envelope from Nick's hand, turning it over and examining the front, which was blank. I looked to both of them before shrugging and tearing into the envelope. If we were ever going to return this we would have to find out who it belonged to, and to do that we would kind of have to open it, since there wasn't an address or name on the front.

I pulled out the letter, unfolding it until I saw the writing. It was the same neat cursive I had been stressing over since Saturday. This was _her_ letter. _She_ had been here. I had been so god damn close.

"Joe?" Kevin asked, but I ignored it. I shoved the letter back into the envelope, and then put it into my back pocket.

"Where'd you find this Nick?" I asked quickly, determined to find _her_.

"Um, in the hallway." He answered, confused. Damn that kid was confused a lot. Or maybe I was just confusing. Who really cares? I had to find her.

I raced out into the hallway, my eyes darting in every which direction, covering every inch. It was completely empty. Not one person, besides myself, was there. My head dropped, and my breath left me. So close. She had been just outside this room. If only I had paid attention long enough, I could have met her, or maybe I already did. I would never know, because I didn't have a clue who she was. And in the back of my mind, I drew a sudden conclusion. Lola's name started with an _L_. I knew I was just desperate to piece together the puzzle and find this amazingly touching girl; I wanted to know her so much that I was jumping to conclusions. I knew Lola could never be _Elle_, but somewhere inside of me, I found myself wishing she was.

**A/N: :) I hope it was up to the usual standards. Alright! Question time, I've got two. 1) Next chapter we're going to find out about Ben. What do you think will happen to him? Annnd 2) Tell me what your favourite line in the story has been. It can be from any chapter, including this one. -- Also any predictions on future chapters? I'd love to hear what you think will happen. **

**Review Please!**


	9. Chapter 9: Lilly

**A/N: Gah! This was the chapter I was just itching to write. I hope it turned out alright. Thank you so so much to those of you who reviewed, you guys really make my day. Also, this may be the last regular update until next week. I'm going to try and get another chapter out tomorrow, but then I have driving school all next week and I'm not sure how much time I'll have to write. Anyways, Enjoy the chapter, I hope it's up to par.**

**_Zoey24_: I am absolutely touched. Thank you sooo much! And yes! Of course you can use quotes from my story. I'm amazed that my story is good enough to be 'quote worthy'! That's so awesome. Wow! Just yeah, I'm floored. :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything, except plot and OCs of course.**

These Words

Chapter Nine: Drowning in the Deep End

Saturday morning I had awoken to the bright sunlight shining through my window and the noise of constant chattering. The voices were coming from downstairs and wouldn't let me drift back into sleep. You know, if my mother was going to have one of her stupid tea parties at eleven in the morning she could at least do me the favor of telling them to be quiet. Some people in our house actually took Ben's coma seriously and needed the sleep they could manage to get. It was hard enough already without their obnoxious words in my ears.

I ripped my covers off my body, letting my feet fall to the ground. I ran my hands through my hair, closing my eyes and taking a few deep breaths. If these people were more of Mom's phoney co-workers with their cheery smilies and their petty sympathies I wanted nothing to do with them. Hell, I didn't want anything to do with anyone anymore. James was a heartless hack of a father, and my mother continued on as if her life was perfect, only caring about her stupid reputation and making sure everything thought she was as great as she did. Max was a know-it-all who thought he was as deep as the pacific ocean, and Miley was the whore from hell who basically insinuated that Ben didn't matter to her by filling his place so quickly. Unlike Miley, no one could ever take the place of my brother, he was much too special for that. Forever and for eternity he would always hold a place in my heart.

Lifting myself out of bed I walked over to the full length mirror hanging on the wall in my room. Looking into it I saw everything I had never wanted to be. My eyes were dull and lifeless, my body limp and frail. This had all really been a strain on me. I grabbed a pony tail off my still empty desk and gathered up my hair, tying it around a few times and then tightening the up-do. I wasn't wearing much more than a tank top and a pair of shorts as my pajamas, and I felt entirely exposed. It wasn't my attire that made me feel that way, but instead the clear look of agony that was constantly on my face. It was as if everyone could clearly see me, judge me, and know that I was deeply hurting. When people saw this, all they ever gave me was pity and an empty apology. I didn't think twice that they actually cared because it seemed more that they were trying to prove to themselves that they were understanding and deep by apologizing to someone who didn't need another frickin' apology for the forty second time in the same day. No one ever really had any idea.

I made my way to my bedroom door, yanking it open and walking into the hallway. From the banister I could see everyone sitting or standing around my living room with a cup of coffee or tea. Just as I had suspected, some sort of stupid brunch bullshit that my mother thought was more important than her own goddamn son. She was an insult to me. I was ashamed to say that I was related to such a cold, insensitive bitch.

When I walked down the stairs and into the living room all eyes immediately shot to me. My mother and James were standing together, sad looks in their faces. I froze in my place, wondering just why they were giving me such a look. Then I noticed just about everyone else mirroring the same look of empty pity and sympathy. This was the look I hated.

"Hi Lilly," I looked over the the voice. Max was standing there with two more of Ben's good friends. Was this some kind of intervention or something? I noticed my grandmother standing off to the distance, her small smile was warm as her eyes watched me. Somebody had better tell me what was going on, and quickly before I did or said something I regretted.

"Lilly, I'm glad your up." My mother told me, stepping forward. Out of habit, I took a step back away from her, panicking and darting my eyes across the room trying to catch hints in anyone's facial expressions.

"We were waiting for you to wake up," James told me, my eyes met his as he spoke to me. I was almost certain he could see the hate I was trying to convey, "We need to go to the hospital."

"What's wrong?" My voice wavered and I seemingly forgot that everyone I had ever hated was surrounding me. I put my my utter disgust for these people on the back burner, trying to find out what was going on. The hospital meant only one thing to me, _Ben_.

"Nothing honey," My mother tried to reassure me, stepping forward. I again stepped back away from her. The reaction caused her to look back to her husband for help. That insufferable wench actually expected _him_ to get through to me? What an idiot.

"Why are we going to the hospital?" I asked again, searching the eyes of every in the room, even Max. This is had been the first time since Monday that I'd actually been able to face him. The first time I'd been able to look at him without wanting to haul off and hit him for being such a moron.

"Well Sweetie," My mother started again, looking back to James for a second time, "We-We need to do something there."

"Oh!" I exclaimed, "So your finally including me in anything related to Ben, you impossible trap?!" I yelled, narrowing my eyes at her. She seemed completely taken aback at my statement, as her eyes widened and her hand raised to find a place on her chest. The was the most ridiculous shocked look I had ever seen. As if she didn't already know she was a class A skank.

"Lilly- I- This is important!" She disregarded my insult and carried on without reprimanding me, "I know you'd want to be there for this." When I didn't respond to her, unless you count the vicious hateful messages I was shooting at her through my eyes, she continued on speaking to me. Didn't she know when to shut the hell up?

"Lilly, please go get dressed, so we can-"

"No." I answered, "I'll go like this." I didn't think it mattered much whether I was in pajamas and highly under dressed for the hospital. All that I really cared about was getting to Ben as quickly as possible. What was this stupid secret thing that was so important that I attend? It must've been big if my apathetic parents were willing to actually include me in it.

"I- Thi- Fine, Lilly," She sighed, her hand tangling itself in her hair. She grabbed her purse off the counter and James led her out the door. I was confused until Max grabbed my hand, trying to smile as he pulled me out the front door, followed by Adrian and Jason, Ben's other two good friends, and my grandmother.

James and my mother, along with my grandmother loaded into one car, leaving Max to drive the other three of us. He walked over to Ben's truck, looking at the keys that were in his hand. My arms were crossed over my chest and I couldn't believe I had to actually share air with him. He took a deep breath, gripping the keys and opening the car. We all clamored inside, me taking a seat in the back just to put space between me and Max.

When we all got to the hospital, my parents were already talking to Doctor Weston. A nurse had left the three boys in the waiting room, leading me towards the doctor's office, thinking that I should be involved. Apparently it took someone who had seen these sorts of cases for years to see that I had the right to be involved in any decisions involving my brother. I should have probably had the biggest say too, considering I was the only one who really cared about what happened to him.

"So, am I correct in saying you've already made the arrangements?" The doctor was speaking with my parents. I was standing outside, peering and listening through the tiny crack between the door and the wall that the doctor was mistakenly left open.

"Yes," My mother was sniffling, "We went ahead and finalized everything this morning. We just wanted Lilly to have a moment, I know how close the two of them were." What the hell did she mean? She wanted me to have a moment? A moment of what exactly? Pure and utter torture? Oh wait, that has become the epitome of my life, please, spare me whatever moment your trying to offer.

"Okay, well, that's all I needed to know. I suppose we should go get Lilly?" The doctor asked. I watched her stand from her seat and I instantly took off towards the waiting room. I didn't want them to walk out and find out that I had heard the last bits of their conversation. The doctor entered the waiting room moments later followed by my parents. The tension in the room was clearly noted and everyone seemed uncomfortable at the very least.

"Lilly?" My head snapped up and I saw the Doctor speaking to me with her lying, distrustful eyes, "Would you like to see Ben?" Why would she ask me that? I had obviously been coming here every single day, except for Sunday and yesterday, but no, I suddenly _don't_ want to see him. What a dolt. I was honestly surprised someone with her mental capacity could even become a doctor. It really showed me what incapable hands we were trusting our lives with.

"I would like to know what's going on," I snapped. Could they cut the bullshit and stop beating around the bush. There was obviously a serious reason that we were here, and it wasn't just so I could have a measly ten minutes with my brother. I wasn't stupid, I knew there was some sort of secrecy going on. My parents shared a look, turning to the doctor and telling her that it was 'time'. 'Time for what exactly?' was the question I wanted answered, but no one would tell me anything.

I was lead to Ben's room, everyone following behind us. For the first time I could remember, people other than family were being allowed into his room. His body was just as lifeless as I remembered, but the bruises had faded just a little now. My eyes shot to the bandages wrapped around his head, now knowing exactly why it was there. Some soul-less person in this world had wanted to murder my brother. The thought it it tore me to pieces and made me want to find this person and take something so close to them away, just to know the pain that they had caused me.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._ The tone reminded me that Ben was still alive. I took the smallest amount of comfort in it, knowing that he was still here. When I walked in, I didn't race to his bedside like I usually did. I hung back, watching everyone else's expressions. My parent had blank faces, but all of Ben's friend's were filled with emotion. Adrian had gasped when he'd seen Ben and I knew for certain this was the first time any of them had laid eyes on him. It didn't seem as much of a shock to me because I had become so accustomed to seeing him this way. Despite the fact that I was used to this, there was still nothing more that I wanted than for him to wake up. The second the thought hit me, I became hopeful. Maybe this was why I was here with everyone; because they were expecting him to wake up any second.

"Is he waking up?" My quiet voice broke the silence. All eyes turned to me, but the only ones I saw were the doctor's. She had the look of deepest regret and her mouth was set into a frown. My heart dropped into my stomach at that look and my eyes crinkled, worried. I felt as if I could hardly breath.

"No honey," She told me, regretfully, "Yesterday morning Ben was announced brain dead." It was in simple terms, but it meant everything to me. Brain dead? What did that even mean? He had to be able to get better, there wasn't a doubt in my mind that he was going to get better. They couldn't stand here and tell me that they had all given up hope just because he had been announced brain dead the day before! It had only been one day! He could get better, he just needed more time!

"Your parents," She breathed, "They've made the decision to remove him from life support."

"No!" I yelled, almost lunging at my mother. Max's arms had caught me around the waist holding me back, "You can't!"

"Lilly, he can't get better," My mother cried, "He would be a vegetable forever! You don't want that for him do you?" James' hands had pulled my mother into a hug as she suddenly became a blubbering mess. She wouldn't fool me though, not with this one act of complete sadness. She had been emotionless until now, so why should I believe that her intentions were true now?

"He's strong Mom!" I pleaded, trying to free myself from Max's arms, "You just have to give him a chance! Please!"

"Lilly! He's brain dead! There's no chance! No going back!" My mother shouted at me.

"You just never loved him enough! Is this too inconvenient for you?!" I screamed at her, struggling. I wanted nothing more than to claw her face off for thinking she could do this. Who was she to decide whether Ben would live or die?

"That's enough, Lilly!" James' words were yelling at me, "Your upsetting your mother!"

"She is _not_ my mother, you bastard." I spat, "A mother would _never_ do this. A mother would _never_ give up."

"Mr. And Mrs. Truscott?" The doctor's voice broke through our argument. She pretended as if nothing had happened in the last few minutes. All eyes went to her, and my eyes were pleading, begging for her not to do this. "Are you ready now?" Both my parents nodded, the person I had thought was my mother was in tears. James' face was blank, his mouth drawn into a line as he watched from the sidelines.

"No, please!" I begged, "Please, you can't!" I was tugging at Max's arms, trying to get him to let go of me. I wanted to run, to somehow stop this act of injustice from happening. No matter how hard I pulled, it was apparent I couldn't get free, but I never stopped fighting. I never gave up, unlike so many of the people in this room had.

"Stop! Please!" I sobbed, my tears were burning lines in my cheeks and I was sure my eyes were red, "You can't kill him! He can still pull through!" My voice was the only one in the room begging, pleading for this to stop. None of Ben's friends even attempted to say something. I couldn't believe that people he had trusted and cared about were letting my parents murder him. I couldn't believe they would just stand idly by and watch. How could they say they truly cared about him when they did nothing.

It was then that my worst nightmare happened. The complete silence filled my ears and I could no longer hear the machine's tone that assured me that my brother's heart was still beating. _Heather_ was silently crying into _James_, who was also shedding just a few tears. Adrian and Jason were standing back, their eyes glazed over and welling up. I let myself fall limp into Max's arms. When I turned to him, I saw him cry for the first time. He had been so strong up until now, but his emotions had overflowed. I felt myself fall to the ground in a heap of sobs, my body shaking violently. I shoved Max's arms away from me and crawled as slowly as I could towards the truly lifeless form of who used to be my brother.

"Ben? Ben, come on." I reached up from the flood, finding my hand in his. It felt dead. "Please, you can't be gone. I need you." My shaky words were the only thing that broke the silence in the room. I waited with my hand holding his, waiting for a squeeze, a movement, absolutely anything, but nothing came. This time when I begged for a sign, he didn't cry. Instead, when I let my hand fall short of his, his arm rolled off the bed, hanging limply. At this, my eyes burst out into another fresh batch of tears. This is what I had kept hope for? I had prayed every night, asking God to make everything okay, asking him to help me find a way, and this is what I got. I got murder. I got the feeling of complete emptiness coursing through my body and the feeling of my entire being ready to collapse into itself at the snap of a finger.

I was dragged up from the ground by Max seconds later. He had steadied me on my feet and allowed me to collapse into his arms, crying. After everything I had said to him, he had still been there for me without a second thought.

"Come on, Lilly." He managed to croak out. When I couldn't walk, he carried me back to the car, placing me into my seat and buckling me in. My eyes were blurry and searing as the tears continued to fall. I couldn't stop it, no matter how badly I had wanted to. Sometime later it was late at night and I had found myself in my bedroom, holding the portrait that Ben had painted of me and him. My fingers traced his features, trying to forever embed them into my thoughts, trying to make sure I would never forget him. A tear from my cheek spilled down, dropping down onto the portrait. It hit the picture directly underneath Ben's eye, trailing down to the middle of his cheek where it was absorbed. With the saline tear, the paint smudged, letting a watery track become visible on his face. It looked as if he had painted the tear in himself.

"Ben," I sobbed, placing the picture to the side. I found myself standing from my bed, trailing out into the hallway. Two doors down there was a painfully white door, and a letters on it that spelled out 'Ben' in blue. We had had these letters on our doors since we were children and I couldn't help but wonder if my parents would take his down now. I didn't know if I could bare walking in there a month from now and finding it empty and void of his belongings.

My feet found their place in front of his door and I reached out, turning the handle to allow myself in. I took a deep breath, pushing the door open. His room smelled like him and had the pure essence of life. His walls weren't a plain colour like mine were, instead, he had painted them himself with swirls and beautiful abstract designs. His name was written on the wall across from the door in green and black graffiti writing and everything looked amazing. There were canvases lined along the walls and a half finished one on his desk. When I walked closer, brushing my fingers along the unfinished one, my heart dropped just a little. It was a beautiful composition of Zuma beach. The picture was so life-like and I wanted to reach into it, diving into simpler, happier times. At the very bottom of the picture, in his neat cursive writing he had painted the word 'Love' in bold black paint. It was at this point that I began bawling again, wanting to forget this pain.

I began to dig through his belongings, trying to find anything that would remind me of him. I wanted to keep him as close as possible. If he wasn't going to come back, I wanted to be able to keep him etched in my heart forever. There were binders of his schoolwork filled with silly notes that he and his friends had passed in class and there were millions of half assed drawings that I still thought were incredibly beautiful.

After looking through scrapbooks of pictures he had kept in his room I came across a piece of paper inside the drawer of his bedside table. It was scrawled messily and quickly and it was difficult to make out. _Mr. Jenkins._ I knew instantly what he was referring to. Mr. Jenkins was the name of the teddy bear he had made on our trip to build-a-bear with our little cousin, Jessica. Jessica had insisted that the both of us make bears as well along side her, despite the fact that we were much too old. We had agreed though. My bear had been Sally, and Ben had allowed Jess to name his Mr. Jenkins. My eyes searched the room looking for the white teddy bear. I found it laying on the ground next to his desk, hidden behind a canvas that was leaned against the wall.

I picked it up, a frown forming on my face. I took a deep breath, pressing the bear's stomach expecting to hear Ben's voice. We had all put a sound recording device in the bear. I figured that the batteries had worn out a long time ago since we had made these almost two years prior. I searched around the room, spotting a package of batteries laying next to his bed. I popped two out of the package, looking for the zipper on the back of the bear. If he was never coming home, I at least wanted to hear his voice again.

I unzipped the zipper, reaching into the bear expecting to find the battery box. Instead I found something else inside. I felt plastic in my hands and when I yanked it out, I found a clear baggy laying in my hands. My breathing stopped and my heart raced as my eyes trailed over the object. _Cocaine_. I must have stared at it for half an hour, my body in shock at finding the substance. I wasn't sure what I should do with it. It was then that it occurred to me. I placed the bag on the nightstand and pulled out the bear's battery box which had been shoved much further into the bear to make room for the drugs. I placed the batteries into the toy and then put it back inside the bear, zipping it back up. I pressed the heart of the bear, closing my eyes and waiting.

"I love you," Ben's childish voice came back to me. Jessica had insisted that he record this one phrase. I didn't think it was possible, but my heart sunk lower into my stomach. My lungs felt like they were shrinking and I could hardly catch a breath. This was too much. It was too much to deal with. When my eyes opened, they veered over to the night tape, catching sight of it's contents. With no further thoughts, I found myself emptying the cocaine onto the bedside table, aligning it neatly into straight lines. There must have been a reason for him to be taking this, and I was about to find it out.

In seconds my head became blurry, but then everything seemed to fade as I continued to breath the entirety of the bag into my brain. At first I felt nothing, but within a few minutes my heart was beating rapidly in my chest. Something didn't feel right about it, but the euphoria was clouding over any and all rational thoughts. Somewhere in the distance I could hear the ringing of my cell phone, but I paid it no attention. Instead I laid strewn across my brothers bed, my eyes focused on his ceiling as I waited for every existing memory to fade from my life. It never did occur to me that perhaps I had taken far too much that my small body could take, the only thing I wanted was for the pain to dissolve into absolute nothingness. Then maybe I would be okay.

**A/N:** **I hope no one is disappointed that I 'killed Ben off'. And I really hope you liked this chapter, I actually worked really hard on it. Okay, questions. Hmm, I don't have any today. :) Just tell me overall, what you've liked about this story so far, as well as your thoughts on this chapter.**

**Review Please!**


	10. Chapter 10: Joe

**A/N: Finally! I'm sorry it took so long to get this chapter up, but I've been super busy with classes all week. Thankfully, it was only a one week course, so I should be back to updating normally. For these last few chapters I might not update every day like I did at first because I'd like to stretch the story out a bit more. There's only four chapters left, by the way, and then I'll start the _Nilly_. And thank you so, so, sooo much for the reviews. They always amaze me. I was absolutely ecstatic to hear that people actually _cried_. I didn't think my writing was actually good enough to do that. **

**Also, _love-soaked-blood_ was the only one to catch on to what I was hinting in the previous chapter. You rock. :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't _own_ them, but I do _pwn_ them. **

These Words

Chapter Ten: Breaking Down

It amazes me how close a person can get to someone in such a short amount of time. In the same way, it's confusing and frustrating and also something wonderful when someone can be completely head over heals for another person without knowing the slightest bit about them. The problem with this, is that these statements pertain to two different girls. Two amazingly wonderful girls whom I am completely torn between. Not only does this situation suck, but it sucks more. Lola is dealing with anything I could never possibly imagine and I wouldn't want to take advantage of that. On the other hand, _Elle_ has no name, no address, and is without a doubt, unattainable, no matter how hard I could try to track her down. I'm Joe Jonas, these sorts of things just aren't supposed to happen to me.

And how is it that when you're doing absolutely nothing, your mind can pretty much be a replica of a tornado? I can't concentrate, and I can't think straight because I'm at constant battle with myself. Not only am I always asking 'Lola? Or Elle?' but I'm wondering how I could have let myself fall so deeply for two people at once? I'm still trying to figure out when and how it all happened.

I let my head fall back onto my pillow with a groan. This had to be the most aggravating and confusing situation I had been in in a long time. I mean, sure, I had about a million and one girls wanting to walk down the isle at any given second, but I had never really fallen hard for two girls at the same time. Even worse, was the idea that neither of them had any idea about my feelings towards them. Lola, I couldn't tell because she was in such an emotional state that I didn't want to just be there as a 'leaning post'. As for Elle, it's not like I had any way of telling her anyways. I could always publicly announce that I was looking for the author of the letters, but that wouldn't be a smart idea. How many identical letters would come in the next day? A hell of a lot, I tell you.

It was nearing noon and I was still in bed. I had decided to sleep in today, knowing that the post office would be a stupid idea since I had found her letter Friday night. I still hadn't read it. It was underneath my mattress, right next to her previous letters and my song book. I hadn't gotten the courage to read it- I was afraid of falling deeper for her, more so than I already had. God, life surely can suck sometimes. Now, for instance.

I dragged my self up, leaning on the wall beside my bed for support. My eyes were still droopy and tired, but I knew I had to get up eventually. My mind was racing, flashing between Lola and Elle, until something finally clicked in my head. Friday night Lola hadn't answered one of my calls, and she didn't yesterday either, which was odd, considering she usually did pick up. I had hoped to get the Hannah/Lola story out of her before the press distorted it into much more than it probably was. I wanted to hear it straight from her, because it seemed like Hannah had gotten the wrong picture.

I reached out, grabbing my phone from under my pillow where it was plugged into the charger, and scrolled through my contacts list. When I finally reached her name in the 'L' section, I pressed the 'talk' button, listening to the ringing and waiting for her to pick up. A while later, after I'd called her almost six times over the course of two hours, I was beginning to get worried. Under her stress level, and with her emotions high, who knows could have happened? Did she even have a ride home last night? Oh God! What if she was kidnapped?! Well- No, thats not really plausible considering it would have been on the news ages ago, but I did have a gut feeling, a sickness almost, that was telling me there was something wrong with this picture.

I walked back upstairs from the kitchen to get my phone after finishing my lunch. You didn't really think I'd go a whole two hours without food, did you? I'd laugh if I wasn't concerned. When I walked into my room, I grabbed the phone off the table, and immediately scrolled down to Lola's name. Right underneath sat Hannah's name, since my 'phone book' was in alphabetical order by last name. I thought for a moment, skipping over Lola's name and pressing the call button on Hannah. I figured, if something was wrong with Lola, then she was sure to know.

It took several rings for her to answer, but she finally did. Her voice was coarse and scratchy, her breathing shallow and erratic. "Hello?"

"Hannah?" I asked, just to make sure it was her. The way her voice sounded made her seem like a completely different person.

"Yeah... it's me. Hi Joe." She responded. Her voice was small and barely audible.

"Hi. Um, do you know where Lola is? She's not answering any of my calls lately..." I might as well just come out and say it. There was no sense in beating around the bush. As I listened closely, waiting for her answer, I could hear a soft steady tone in the background. It reminded me of the one that was in the background of many of Lola's calls. Perhaps Hannah was with Lola? If they were together, I was glad to see they had made amends so quick.

"Lola?" She asked, sniffling.

"Yeah..." When I answered her, she immediately burst into tears.

"Lola? She-" Hannah was sputtering, "She's-" She couldn't even finish her sentence because she was hyperventilating so heavily. My eyes were wide and my heart was sinking. Nothing really bad had happened to Lola, right? Please let me be right, because if something had happened to her Friday night, I would have felt unbelievably horrible.

"What's wrong Hannah? What happened?" I asked. My ears were entirely focused on the phone in my hand-- so much that I didn't even realize Kevin had walked into the room.

"She-" Deep breaths, "She found h-her brother's stuff."

"His stuff?" I asked confused, "I-I mean, What? What do you mean? I don't get it?"

"She-" She choked out, "Her brother died yesterday..." My mouth immediately dropped and I took a sharp breath in. Kevin looked over at me, asking me what was going on, but I ignored him. He seemed confused, but this was much more important to me.

"O-oh," I gulped, "That's-" I wanted to say that it was a horrible thing to go through and to send Lola my deepest condolences, but Hannah cut me off.

"She's dying too, Joe." She cried, "And I don't know what to do." My heart was sinking so low I was sure that it was deep into my stomach by now. I couldn't even imagine what it would be like to have Nick, Kevin or Frankie pass away. It would absolutely kill me, and I guess that's what was happening to Lola.

"Wow..." I trailed off, taking a deep breath. I didn't know how to deal with a situation like this one, considering I had never had to deal with the death of someone so close to me. "That must've killed her. I just- Wow, I feel awful."

"No Joe," She cried. I could almost see her shaking her head on the other line.

"What?" I crinkled my eyebrows together. From the corner of my eyes I could see Kevin giving me an odd glance, listening into my phone conversation, trying to see what I was talking about and to whom.

"She's- She overdosed," Hannah was sobbing, but I could barely breath. Had I honestly heard her right? "She found cocaine in her brother's room- S-she was treated last night, but..."

"But?" I forced out. I'm sure Kevin was getting concerned because my eyes were twice their normal size and it was getting extremely hard to take a breath.

"They think she might... She might slip into a coma like Ben did..." I could hear Hannah crying on the other line, but I just let the phone slip through my fingers. I wanted to take in a huge gulp of air, but it was as if I was frozen in place, paralyzed, unable to move even the tiniest bone in my body.

"Joe?" Kevin asked me, shaking my shoulder. His shake knocked me out of my trance and I instantly went back into motion. I scrambled for my phone, picking it up from the floor and placing it back up to my ear in seconds.

"What hospital? I can be there as soon as possible." I asked, my mouth and mind running at two different speeds. It was hard just to utter out that one sentence because of how sick to my stomach I was. Lola couldn't be in a coma! She was too amazing for that. She had dealt with the pain of her brother, and now she herself had to go through with it. The only thing I wanted to do was get down on my knees and pray to God that she would be alright. She didn't deserve this, she was better than this.

"No Joe, it's okay." Hannah answered back after a moment, "I-I'll take good care of her and I'll call you if I know anything. Just- stay at home, or where ever your going to do press or anything. Li-Lola will be... I'll call you..." And then she hung up. I felt very unnerved at the fact that she wouldn't even tell me that Lola would be okay. Frankly, it scared me, and it terrified me. She had to be okay, if not for herself and everyone around her, then for me, because as odd as it sounds, She had half of my heart that I wouldn't get back if she were to end up the same as Buddy. Dead. And that was something I wasn't ready to deal with.

"Joe?" My head snapped up. Kevin was looking at me with worried eyes, his forehead creased as he looked at me confused, "What is it?"

"It's Lola," I managed to choke out, "She's in the hospital."

"What?! What happened? What's wrong?"

"She might die." When my eyes shifted up to his, I was sure he could see the absolute pain in them because he shifted back a bit. I don't know if he understood that I had already given away a part of my heart to her, but he knew that this was affecting me deeply. He, himself, looked extremely shocked and fearful. Kevin and Lola were never really close friends in the last week we had known each other, but Kevin cared about everyone, close friend or not. He could also see how it was hurting me, and he reached out, placing his hand onto my shoulder and shaking me a bit.

"Hey- She'll be fine." He tried to send me a reassuring smile, but it hardly worked. I appreciated the effort though, and mustered up my very best smile for him as well, uttering an 'okay' before Kev left the room. I just needed to be alone. I had wanted to see Lola, but Hannah had insisted that she would be taken care of. The truth was, that I wanted to be the one taking care of her, and I wanted to be the one she woke up to. I wanted to be the one she loved, almost as much as I did her. Yeah, it was true. I was in love with Lola Luftnagle, and falling fast for the words without an identity. What's a guy to do?

Sometime much later in the day I was sitting alone in my room. I hadn't done much that day besides contemplate my current situation. I was worried and anxious, glancing at my cell phone every few minutes just waiting for a call. Hannah had never called back like she said she would and it was tearing me apart. I tried as hard as I possibly could to stay optimistic, reassuring myself that it couldn't have been _that_ bad. She wasn't really dying, she was just recuperating and needed her rest. At least thats what I tried to tell myself because I was at a complete loss of information.

Kevin had also told Nick, who seemed pretty concerned. I was guessing that him and Lola had become friends as well since he was the one who had given me her number and seemed to know the most about her. Well, not anymore. It was pretty safe to say I was closest with her now, even after only a few conversations. We just had this connection, the same kind that I felt with _Elle._ It was almost like it didn't matter how long I had talked to her or how much of the little details I knew. But I _knew_ her. I may not have known her favourite colour or if she was afraid of spiders or heights or anything at all, but I knew her feelings, her emotions, her thoughts. I knew what she was going through, and I could feel the difficulties and the torture. I may not have known Lola, but I knew the girl behind the Hollywood scene, and that meant something so much more.

However, whenever I thought about Lola, I couldn't help but find my mind drifting off to Elle. I shared the same connection with her letters that I did with Lola. It was as if I didn't need to know her to _know_ her. I didn't need to know every little bit about her to know that I was head over heels with her thoughts and her feelings and her words. If she was even half as beautiful as her words were, she would still be the most beautiful girl I had ever met. There was just something about her that drew me in. She was amazingly deep, spreading her every thought onto a piece of paper in the most intricate way. She had presence in her words that struck me in the darkest places and made me realize things I had never thought about. If only I could put that kind of feeling into _my_ words, into my songs.

It was then that my thoughts shot to the hiding place underneath my mattress. Her letter was still there, unread, as was my songbook. I couldn't decide which one I should turn to, her comforting words, or my own. I was so afraid to keep reading her letters, to keep digging this grave even deeper. I had already fallen so fast and it scared me to think that there was a possibility of falling absolutely in love with someone I would never know. I didn't want to carry those what if's with me forever, but I didn't want to always wonder what would have happened if I had kept on reading. It was a loose-loose situation for me, and I couldn't decide which was the lesser of the two evils.

When I lifted up my mattress and grabbed both items out, my eyes darted between the two. Finally, I took a deep breath, placing the notebook to the side momentarily and preparing to dive into the letter. I opened the blank envelope I had found on Friday and gently pulled the paper out. I had become all to familiar with the writing on the paper, and scanned my eyes down to her signature 'L' before trailing them back up and beginning to indulge myself in the words.

_I'm falling. I'm falling so fast that I'm not sure that I can begin to pick myself up. I can't help but wish for every second to fade into nothing and for the time to stop ticking away. I want nothing more than to be nothing, to be empty. At least if there is nothing, there isn't this. Everything is becoming unbearable and things that were always so easy are so complicated. Everything has a string, a motivation, an ulterior motive that connects it all together. But my strings have been cut short, releasing the web and letting my life fall to pieces. This world doesn't make sense, this isn't what I wanted or wished, and nothing seems to be falling into place. It's all a disaster zone where the wind is whipping at me, pushing and pulling in ever direction, enticing emotions I never knew I had._

_And yet, the world continues to spin as if I am nothing more than a spec in this continuum of grueling events. As if I am nothing at all. The world pays us no attention and we go on alone, scared of the future. The uncertainty is nagging and gnawing at the walls of my heart as the emotions spill out from my eyes onto paper. I'm keeping hope. I'm keeping hope that you'll wake up and that everything will be okay. He's giving me hope, and he's reassuring me and he's making me better. He's all I can lean on, and all thats keeping me grounded when all else is fading from me. He's the only light I've found in this darkness, and I promise I'll hold onto it for as long as I can._

_I'm trying to find a way, getting better every day. I still need you, cause I'm so alone. All I need in this life is one, just one, thing to believe in._

My mind froze up. The very first thing I had noticed was the 'him' in the letter, and my heart had cracked just a little. She had someone already. I shouldn't have cared as much as I did because it wasn't as if she was ever going to find out that I felt this way about her. At the very least, at least she had manged to find some bit of happiness in whatever she was going through. That thought alone set my mind at east just a little bit.

When I set the letter aside, I pulled my notebook closer to me. I flipped the pages, trying to find a blank one to write down an entirely new song. However, my fingers found their way to _her_ song, tracing over the words that I'd written. The words _my disaster_ were scribbled at the top of the page and I couldn't help but feel like the words described her perfectly. She may have been lost and confused, with her emotions going haywire, but she was beautiful no matter what, and a part of me would always be her's, and in some way, I would always consider her to be _mine_. It didn't matter if I never met her, these words would stay engraved into my soul for eternity.

"Hey Joe, I-" Nick walked in suddenly. I scrambled to shove the notebook underneath my pillow and hidden from sight, but it seemed as if he had caught me.

"What's that?" He asked suspiciously. I guess it was a natural reaction since we had just heard of Lola's _overdose_ this morning. It was completely out of the question that I would ever consider drugs, but the motion probably did look weird.

"Nothing," I told him hastily. That only heightened his suspicions, as he raised an eyebrow, walking closer to me.

"What is it Joe?" He asked, standing right in front of me, looking down as I sat on my bed.

"Nothing Nick," I answered again, "Don't worry about it." His skeptical look never faded from his face as he stood there.

"Well, okay Joe," He sighed and my body relaxed, "If you say so." Without another second to spare, he dove towards my pillow, catching me off guard. I went to block him, but my moment of relaxation had slowed my reflexes and he was able to grab the notebook.

"Aha!" He cried, looking it over, "It's a... notebook?" He got a closer look. What the hell else did he expect it to be? I lunged forward, trying to grab it off him, but he moved away from me quickly.

"Give it back!" I yelled, "It's personal!" I was standing now, reaching around him and trying to grab the notebook. His eyes were scanning over the page as he tried to hold me back.

"Joe..." He trailed off, turning around. When I saw his face I knew that he had read it all and my body slumped. There was no use in trying to snatch it back when he already knew the words on the page. "Joe, did you write this?"

"Yeah..." I nodded my head at his question, sitting back down on my bed, "Please don't laugh, or tell me it's horrible."

"No, no, no!" Nick looked up, his eyes worried, "It's not horrible at all, Joe! It's- It's amazing. When- I mean, how?" I could only shrug my shoulder, grabbing the book away from him when he sat down next to me and offered it back.

"Is it about anyone? Or Just-" I cut him off my nodding my head again. It seemed odd that I was almost speechless. I felt scared- I felt like I was vulnerable and had shown myself to the world. I was so afraid to get torn, to hear that my feelings were stupid. To hear that falling for someone's words was insane and idiotic. It was almost as if I needed someone else to validate my feelings before I felt okay about feeling them.

"Elle." Was all I could manage to mumble, and Nick only answered me with an 'Oh.'

"Nick?" I asked. He looked up to me, "I... I want to be alone, okay? Please don't tell anyone about the song. It's personal."

"Oh.- Yeah, yeah, okay." He coughed, "I won't, I promise." He smiled, squeezing my shoulder as he stood. I watched him as he walked towards the door, opening it and walking out. At the last second he turned, telling me one last thing, "You know Joe, if you really like her, you should tell her." And then I was alone in the room.

Just seconds later I could hear my phone going off to the side of me. I scrambled towards it quickly, my mind still on Nick's words. In an instant, I pressed the talk button, hoping to God it was Hannah calling to tell me that Lola was okay. Instead, I was met with the voice of a radio talk show host, calling to interview me. Timing really isn't my thing.

"Joe Jonas! Your on air with 102.8!" When the hell had I agreed to this?

"Um, hi. This really isn't a-" I tried to tell him that I wasn't in the mood to talk, but he cut me off.

"Just a few questions Joe," He tried and I reluctantly agreed, "So it's been everywhere in the news. Just who is this _Elle_ that Kevin mentioned?" Just the question I didn't want.

"She's- um, she's a girl." I responded lamely.

"Well, tell us a little about her! We're all dying to know."

"Um. She's cool." I tried again, unable to come up with something to tell him.

"Oh," The interviewer seemed a little put off by my answered, "What about the name Elle? Gorgeous name for a gorgeous girl?" I could almost imagine the smirk on his face.

"Sure." I forced out, frustrated. I didn't want to be interviewed, and I didn't want to talk about her. He name wasn't even _Elle_.

"So why did Kevin spill the beans and not yourself? What made you reluctant to tell the press?" He asked. It would seem like an innocent question, but it was easy to tell he was insinuating that I was ashamed of her. To say the least, my frustration had grown a little... or a lot.

"Shut up!" I cracked. "Her name isn't even _Elle_. She's not some legally blond, spend four hours in a hot tub, kind of girl! Her name is _L_. The letter, _L,_ as in Lemon, or Lime, or Lilly." The words spilled from my mouth, "And she's absolutely amazing. She writes the most beautiful letters, and she's passionate and deep and I care so much about her even if she doesn't know that I know who she is. And yeah, you heard me right, she doesn't know that I know her, and _no_ I'm _not_ a stalker. She writes letters to the stupid fan mail, okay? And she doesn't have an address or a name, just _L._ And all I know is that she's the most incredible person, and-" I paused, taking a deep breath, "And that I love her."

It was then that I slammed the phone down, hanging up. I remembered Nick's words '_If you really like her, you should tell her'_ and I prayed to God that somehow she had been listening to that radio station, because I needed her to know. I just needed _her._

**A/N: I hope you liked it :) Four chapters left. Question: If Lilly does happen to wake up in time (if at all) do you think she should hear Joe's confession on the radio? I'm also thinking of having a co-writer (They'd write one person's POV, and I'd write the other) or maybe just a person to help me out with ideas for my new Nilly. Interested? PM me :)**

**Review please! You guys are the greatest.**


	11. Chapter 11: Lilly

**A/N: This is officially the longest chapter. I loved writing this one, but there was so much stuff to put in, so I hope it didn't feel rushed. Thank you so so so much for the reviews. You guys are seriously the greatest. I can't believe I'm at 90 reviews already. Wow! Anyways, I hope you Enjoy the chapter! Just _three_ left.**

**Ps. _morgiecorgie_ and _Torina_ were the only ones to catch Miley's slip up. It _was_ intentional, but you'll have to see if it comes into play or not.**

**Disclaimer: pwned, not owned.**

These Words

Chapter Eleven: Her Revelation

The world was dark and there was nothing. I couldn't remember how I'd ended up in this nothingness if my life depended on it. All I knew was that I could see black, and every emotion I had ever felt had disappeared. I couldn't even feel my own body, I just _was_. It was almost as if I had closed my eyes and my entire world had fallen away from me, leaving me stuck inside my own mind. I couldn't walk, or speak, or feel anything at all. This world was one of absolute emptiness, and as I contemplated this, I felt my body fall back into place. I could feel my arms, my legs, my heart beating in my chest, but still I could see nothing.

"Lilly?" I could hear a voice. I didn't know what it was saying, or if it was even talking to me. It just seemed to echo off the walls into the darkness. I wanted to look around, to search for the voice, but I couldn't move and I couldn't see anything.

"Lills?" The voice called again. I listened closer, recognizing the word as my own name. I tried to whip my head around in all directions, but my body was in a state of paralysis.

"Come on, Lilly," The voice was sighing, "I know you can hear me. You just have to concentrate harder..." It trailed off. I listened closely, thinking, pressing my invisible eyebrows together in confusion. I thought harder, running the voice through my mind over and over again, diving into the deepest memories. When it hit me, it hit me hard. The voice in the darkness was one I knew well, and one I had been wanting to hear. I opened my mouth to scream out, to run to him, but I couldn't.

"Open your eyes," He told me, and I could feel a tug on my hand. His hand laced through mine and I concentrated on squeezing back. When I managed to, I felt myself smile. I thought about my eyes, focusing in on them, willing them to open. I noticed that I could feel my chest rising and falling, my lungs breathing in the air. Slowly my entire body came back into motion and I could feel every moment, every breath, every beat, every blood cell rushing through my veins, but still my eyes would not open. And then I saw light.

The room was now covered in light, almost making me want to close my eyes again. I squinted, searching the area. However bright the light was, I couldn't ignore the warmth and comfort that came with it. It was as if it filled my entire body, taking away all the sadness and making me whole again. It was beautiful and I never wanted to leave. I wanted to stay here forever, feeling this wonderful feeling.

"Lil.." His voice trailed off again. I had been so distracted for a moment by the euphoria that I had almost let him slip my mind. My eyes darted around me, looking for any trace of him. Finally my eyes landed on his figure and my breath caught in my throat. My heart was pounding, and I was saying millions of silent prayers for this to be real. I never once thought that it was impossible for me to be completely engulfed in a white light, I just believed.

"Ben.." The words slipped through my lips and echoed. When he heard his name, he nodded and smiled, stepping closer to me. His movement triggered me to run, and when I reached him, I had to throw my arms around his neck in a hug, jumping on him. His laughter floated to my ear and he wrapped his arms around me, hugging back. We must've stayed that way for minutes before he finally loosened his grip and set me down on the ground again.

"Ben," I smiled, just looking him over, "I-Wow! Just-" I didn't have words to express how happy I was to see him. I never wanted to let go of him, and I wanted him to stay with me in this place forever. He held me at arms length, looking me over, the smile never fading off his face. If anything, it only grew bigger by the second.

"I know," He told me, smiling and pulling me into a hug, "Believe me, I know." The two of us rocked back and forth, my arms gripping his waist tightly. I could feel my eyes welling up and my tears were spilling out. God, I had missed him so much. It meant absolutely everything for me to be in his arms right now. He was my big brother, and I couldn't live without him. And as soon as that thought passed through my mind, everything rushed back. The images were flashing in front of my eyes like a movie. The doctors, the hospital, the bruises, the tears, the drugs. Everything came back to me in those seconds and I froze.

"Ben?" I asked, pulling back, "Ben... Am- Am I dead?" My ears were still tearing, and I was dreading the answer. No matter how much I had tried to convince myself that this was what I wanted, now that I was here I wanted to live again. I wanted to have a second chance. I wanted to tell Miley that I didn't hate her and that I thought she was an amazing friend. I wanted to apologize to Max for shutting him out when I should have been there for him. I wanted to tell my mother and father that I loved them even if I was angry with their decision. I wanted to keep going. I wanted to live.

I looked up to Ben, searching his eyes. I could see nothing in them as I waited. These few minutes before his answer were the worst. All I could think about was how much I had regretted, and everything I never got to say. I thought about the things I had never done, and the things I wanted to do again. I thought about the way I had been acting and I wanted to go back, take it all back. I didn't want to die like this.

"Please tell me I'm not..." I asked, a tear sliding down my cheek.

"You're not." Ben smiled. The relief flooded through me and I knew he could see it. "You're going to be fine Lilly, I promise."

"But," I paused, thinking, "What about you? I- I don't want to go back without you."

"You have to." He told me, and my face contorted. I shook my head, unable to speak for a few moments. He was nodding, contradicting me, but it only made me shake my head harder and faster.

"No. I don't want to," I cried, "I need you."

"You don't need me Lilly," He smiled, "You're strong, you can do it without me."

"I don't wanna." I answered back. My head was still shaking lightly and I was afraid I was going to break down. I lunged forward, hugging him again. I never wanted to let go.

"Come on, Lilly," He pulled me back, holding me at arms length again. His smile never left his face. It was comforting to know he was happy now. To know that he was safe; to know that he was okay.

"But I'm alone." I protested, the tears leaking from my eyes.

"No you're not," He leaned forward, inching his lips to my ear to whisper, "I'm always going to be with you. You just have to think about me, and I'll be there. I'm going to watch out for you and I'm going to protect you no matter what, because your my little sister and I love you." When he drew back his hand was over his heart, and his eyes were watering, "You just have to look in here."

"Okay..." I croaked out in a whisper. I reached up to wipe my tears from my underneath my eyes but his own thumbs beat me to it. "Whenever I need you?" I asked, and he nodded, "Do you promise?"

"Yeah Lilly," He whispered, "I do."

And then I hugged him tighter than I had ever hugged him in my life. I conveyed every single feeling and thought into that hug. I wanted this moment to stay with me forever. I didn't care that everyone would tell me I had dreamed it, because I knew it was real. It was too powerful to be a dream. There was intense emotions radiating in the air, and I felt like a little girl. I felt so vulnerable and yet so loved at the same time. I felt like I was loosing everything, but I still had him with me.

"Hey Lilly?" Ben's voice snapped me from my thoughts. I looked up and my eyes met his. I nodded to him to continue, but my arms never let him go.

"Lilly... Will you paint for me?" He asked. My eyes welled up and I let a sob escape my throat. I stared into his eyes for several minutes, watching his emotions. I could see the desperation and I knew it was something he really wanted me to do. I felt myself nod my head against his shirt, agreeing to his wish. I couldn't deny him the world if he asked. He meant everything to me, and knowing now what life without him was like, I was willing to do absolutely anything for him. For several moments we just stood there together, cherishing whatever time we had left. I knew I couldn't stay forever, but I wanted to make this time worth it.

"It's time, Lils," He told me reluctantly, "You have to go back now."

"Just a little longer?" I asked, looking up to him. He squeezed me into a hug one last time, shaking his head. My heart dropped, but I accepted it.

"Lilly," He smiled, "Will- Will you tell Mom that I love her, and tell dad that I'm sorry we were never closer?" I nodded, unable to speak, "And will you please tell Max he was a better friend than I could have ever wished for, and that I'm going to miss him so much." Again, I nodded, "And Lilly, one more thing..."

"Anything," I promised, waiting for his request.

"I want you to be happy. Please don't cry anymore, I'm okay now."

"Okay..." My voiced cracked, and I sniffled. I felt his thumb wipe away one last tear.

"Bye Lilly," He whispered, smiling. And then there was nothing again. Complete nothingness. The darkness enveloped me and I distinctly remember wanting to go back to the light. I thought about what Ben had told me to do, _open my eyes_, and I concentrated. I tried to push my eyes open, using every strength in my entire body towards this one movement. Despite the fact that the task was a simple one, it was draining me, making me weaker. When my eyes finally slid open, everything was different. The light that I had been expecting wasn't there. The room I was now in was blurry, and I waited for my eyes to come into focus. The walls were a creamy ivory colour, and the sun was pouring in through an open window.

"Hello?" I squeaked out. I looked down at my body and saw myself laying in a hospital bed. There was a blanket drawn up to my stomach even though it was summer, and I was dressed in a hospital gown. I wanted to get out of bed, but I found that my body was too weak. I had used up all my strength just to wake up.

Suddenly, my eyes shot up to the doorway across the room. I saw the doorknob turning, and then the door opened. I watched Miley walk through the door. Her hair was tied back in a ponytail and she had a muffin in one hand, a cup of coffee in the other. She sighed, taking a sip of her coffee and started walking towards the chair beside my bed, not once looking up. My eyes trailed over her and I managed to smile. I had said some nasty things to her at the concert, but she was still here, she was still sticking by me.

"Hi Miley," I said quietly. Her eyes darted up to mine and she looked scared for a moment, frozen in place. When she saw my smile, she mirrored it as she hastily dropped her muffin and coffee on a table. She ran over to me, tangling me into a hug.

"Lilly!" She cried, "You're awake!" Tears were coming from her eyes, but I knew she wasn't sad. All I could do was smile and appreciate that I had such an amazing friend.

"Yeah..." I mumbled, "Don't cry, Miley." I told her, as she released me from the hug.

"I'm just- I was so so worried." She confessed, wiping the tears away, but still smiling.

"I know, and... I'm sorry.." I told her, looking down. I was ashamed of the way I had treated her when she had been so wonderful to me. My emotions had clouded over everything and I had overreacted. At the time, I hadn't known what to think, but now I could see that I had been in the wrong.

"For?" Miley asked, confused, seating herself down in the seat next to me.

"I'm sorry for what I said," I looked up, "... you know, at the concert. I didn't mean it."

"Don't even worry about it," She reassured me, grabbing my hand, "I know. It's okay."

"Miley?" I asked, and she nodded, "I'm sorry that I never told you how much you mean to me. You're the definition of a best friend."

"Oh, Lilly... No.. I'm-" She tried to tell me, but I cut her off.

"No. I mean it, you are." She looked like she wanted to fight back and say she wasn't that great, but she just smiled and thanked me whole heartedly. The two of us just sat there together in the silence, my hand never leaving hers. I couldn't even begin to express how much I appreciated those moments. I felt truly cared for and loved for the first time in a while. I felt like I wasn't alone, like I didn't have to do this by myself anymore. I didn't feel like the whole world was my enemy, I felt like they were there for me instead.

"I'm going to get the nurse and tell them you're awake," Miley told me, standing and releasing my hand, "They're going to want to do some tests."

"No!" I immediately shouted, "Please don't." She turned back to me, confused, her eyebrows crinkled together.

"Why?" She asked me, sitting back into the chair.

"I need to do something, please." I pleaded, "I know they're going to want to keep me here for the night and... I need to do this. Will you help me?" My eyes were wide and full of hope. I needed her to help me, because there was so much I wanted to do. There was so much I had to do for _him._

"I-Um... Okay Lilly," She sighed, "Wait here, okay? I'll get your clothes." I nodded and watched her leave the room. After just a few minutes she came back with a bag. She pulled out a white tank top, a pair of black shorts and a black hoodie. It wasn't anything fancy, but it would be comfortable, and that was the most important thing. I knew I wouldn't be able to walk around in jeans and something fashionable, but it didn't matter anyways. I didn't need to look good because this wasn't about me.

After I dressed myself and discarded the hospital gown, Miley sat me on the edge of the bed. She pulled my socks on and then my shoes, insisting she helped because she didn't want me to strain myself. She put my arm over her shoulder and slid me off the bed. When my feet met the floor my legs felt wobbly at first, but I adjusted after a minute of two. Even though I felt like I could walk fine, Miley still held on to support me. She lead me down the hallway, looking over her shoulder ever few seconds to watch for doctors. Finally we neared the exit and I pulled my hood over my head, hiding myself. No one noticed us as we quietly slipped out of the building and into the cool summer air.

"Where to?" Miley asked, turning to me.

"Can we go see Max?" I asked, and she nodded. She lead me over to the parking lot, looking around for a few seconds before spotting Jackson's car. I guess she had borrowed it to drive over to the hospital, since she had only recently gotten her license and hadn't bought her own car. When we got to the car, she lead me to the passenger side and opened the door for me. She let me climb in myself because I refused her help. I wanted to do this on my own. I was _strong_.

After she had clamored into the driver's seat and started the car, we were quietly traveling down the road. I was watching the street fly past me through the window, seeing things I had never seen before. The world was so beautiful, and I had been so selfish to only see the terrible things. I hadn't seen everything amazing that was going on around me. Then, finally, the scenery changed and I watched as we pulled into a familiar drive way. It was Max's.

"Do you want me to come?" Miley asked.

"No thank you," I shook my head, "But... will you wait for me? I'm not going to be long." She agreed and watched as I jumped out of the car. My legs turned wobbly again for a second or two, but after that I was fine. I made my way up the walkway towards the door, nervous. I was afraid that Max would shut the door in my face like I had done to him so many times. Reluctantly, I knocked, standing at his doorstep awkwardly and waiting. Finally, after a few moments, the door opened. Max was standing there looking tired and beaten. His face held sadness and his eyes were dead.

"Lilly?" He asked, his eyes widening, "Lilly... hey."

"Hi Max..." I mumbled, my eyes darting down to the mat below his door, "How are you?"

"Not good," He told me honestly, "How are _you?_"

"Better," I looked up, "I- I want to tell you something." I waited, my eyes connecting with his and he told me to go on.

"I'm sorry." I apologized, "I'm sorry for everything I said. I was selfish, and I shut you out, and I'm sorry because I _do_ care about you. You're like a brother to me, and I don't want to loose that because-"

"It's okay, Lilly," His lips turned upwards only slightly, "I understand." I smiled back at him, so grateful that he was willing to accept me back into his life. We remained silent for a few minutes, we didn't have to speak to know exactly what the other wanted to say. Taking a deep breath, I prepared myself to tell him what Ben had wanted me too. I broke the silence.

"I saw him."

"What?" Max asked instantly. It was more of a reflex than because he was confused.

"I saw Ben." Max furrowed his eyebrows, confusion etched in his features. He looked into my eyes, trying to see what I meant by that.

"I've been unconscious in the hospital since Friday," I admitted. I didn't need to go into all the details, but this was an important part of the story, "I saw him this morning, before I woke up."

"Oh.." The words flowed out and he seemed just a little bit skeptical.

"He wanted me to tell you something,"

"He did?" Max asked, hope evident in his eyes. He was lingering on my every word, just waiting for what I had to say next.

"Yeah..." I breathed, "He- He said you were the best friend he could have ever wished for," My voice cracked as I pushed out the sentence, "And he says he misses you so much." Before I knew it Max had reached out and pulled me into a hug. His arms were wound tightly around me, and I reached mine up to hug him back.

"Thank you." He told me. His words were forced, almost as if he didn't even have the ability to speak. I pulled away from him after a few seconds and saw that he was crying. I smiled at him, and he smiled right back at me. The both of us knew then that we would make it through because now we both had each other to count on.

"I should go..." I told him, stepping back. He mumbled an 'Okay' watching as I made my way back down the walkways towards Miley before closing his door. I lifted myself back into the vehicle, buckling my seatbelt and shutting the door. Taking a deep breath, I asked Miley to take me to my house, and she obliged. It didn't take too long to get there. Within minutes we were parked in my drive way, both my parent's cars gone. For a moment, I wondered were they were, but the thought drifted away from me.

Me and Miley found ourselves in my room sometime later. She had asked me what I was here for, but I refused to tell her. She was seated on my bed quietly, watching my every move as I sat at my desk. I had a crisp clean sheet of white paper set out on my desk and a black pen balanced in my hand. My words were flowing out onto the page, writing my goodbyes. I didn't need these words anymore, because I had everything I could ever ask for in the people around me. I wasn't alone, and I had so much more to turn to than the words I would send to a fan mail. And if I really did need the Jonas', I could always turn to them as Lola. I didn't need to be _L_ to them anymore, I didn't need their understanding. When I finally finished the letter, instead of the usual initial, I wrote _Lilly_ in my cursive writing. These letters had helped me get through, and I figured that I owed them at least my name.

"Miley?" She looked up, "You know where-" I was cut off by the ringing of a telephone. I was almost scared to answer it because of the information I'd received the last time I had been in such a situation. I picked up the cordless phone, looking at the caller display, and saw that it was an unknown number. Taking a deep breath, I pressed the 'talk' button.

"Hello?" I asked.

"Hi! This is the Black Iris Studio, we're looking for Ben." When they said his name, my words caught in my throat. I waited a moment, steadying myself and trying not to cry before responding.

"He's-He's not here," I mumbled, "Can I take a message?"

"Sure," The guy on the other line said nonchalantly, "We were reviewing the portfolio he submitted, and we wanted to include some of his pieces in our gallery. I'm sorry to call on short notice, but, would he be able to get some of them here tonight for the viewing tomorrow?"

"I- Um." I was stunned. The Black Iris was a large art studio downtown that Ben had sent his portfolio into ages ago. He had sent his work into at least a dozen art studios in Malibu, and more than half of them had accepted him, but he had held out. He had been waiting for a response from this one studio. This is the one place he had wanted his work to be displayed and he finally got his wish. If only he had been able to be here.

"Yeah," I smiled, biting my lip, "I- I can bring them down for him. How many?" I asked. I figured they would want maybe four or five for a small section in the show. 'Amateur' artists without a lot of connections usually didn't get much wall space.

"We were thinking, maybe fifteen." I sucked in my breath, a smile crossing my face, "Really?" I squeaked, my eyes watering. The man on the other line assured me he was serious, and added that he thought Ben's style was very 'unique' and 'passionate'.

"I'll get his paintings and I'll be right over," I told the man before hanging up the phone and rushing off into Ben's room. Miley trailed behind me, confused. I opened his door, scanning the walls and breathing in the scent. It still smelled just like him.

After I explained to Miley what the call had been about she had smiled and told me she would help me sort through some of the paintings. The very first one I picked up was the painting of Zuma beach that was three fourths finished. It didn't matter that it wasn't entirely complete, it was still absolutely captivating. Every painting in his room was amazing, complete or not. I searched his whole room, looking for any painting I could find. I found a lot that were half done, or just started that I wouldn't be able to submit, but I managed to grab thirteen other fully finished paintings.

"Do we have enough?" Miley asked, glancing over to the pictures lining the walls, "There's fourteen? Will he mind if we don't have fifteen exactly?"

"We have fifteen," I told her, cutting her off. She looked confused as I darted past her into my room. I stopped in the doorway as my eyes grazed over the portrait. It would be hard to let go, but I wanted to do this. I wanted everyone to see how much I loved him and how much he meant to me. I walked closer, grabbing the painting of myself and Ben from where it was leaned up against my dresser. I sat down on my bed, looking intensely at it before I prepared to give it away.

"Are you sure?" Miley asked, walking into my room and sitting next to me. Her hand rubbed my back slowly, but my eyes never left _his_. I needed to do this.

"Yeah..." I answered quietly, tearing my eyes away, "Yeah, I am." She smiled at me, and I tried my best to do the same. We stood, and I held the picture in my hands, carrying it down the stairs and letting it rest at the front door before me and Miley went back up to retrieve the rest of the pictures. This was like a new beginning. Ben was finally getting the recognition he deserved, and I was so proud of him. I let go of his paintings, but I knew they would be safe in the studio, almost like I let go of these emotions now that I knew Ben was okay, that he wasn't hurting anymore. I was finally okay.

When we arrived at the studio, me and Miley walked inside. The guy was at a desk in the front room and looked up when we entered.

"Hey," He greeted. He was about to say something more, but I beat him to it.

"Hi. I- I have Ben's paintings." The man immediately smiled, offering to send someone outside to grab them. Miley offered to go with them, not trusting anyone with Jackson's car, but I stayed inside.

"I've gotta say," The man broke the silence, "Ben's paintings are amazing for someone pretty unknown." I nodded, not saying much, "So, are you his girlfriend, or?"

"No, no, no," I shook my head, "I'm his sister- His little sister."

"Oh! Okay, sorry," He laughed at his mistake, "Do you paint also?" I was about to answer 'no' but then I remembered Ben's words to me. I smiled to myself, looking to the ceiling for just a moment before answering.

"Yeah. Yeah, I do," And that was the end of the conversation because the paintings began to pour in. I stood there, watching as the man directed where he wanted the paintings to go. Ben had a huge wall near the very front of the studio where most of the prestigious artist's paintings usually hung. When the final painting came inside, the one of me and Ben, the man froze.

"This one," He said, grabbing it from his employee, "I want this one to be the most prominent piece." He paused, looking over to me, "Is this you?" I nodded. He let his eyes trail over ever aspect of the painting, and I sucked in a breath of air when he stopped over the tear mark.

"Why is he crying?" He asked, looking up from the picture to me.

"Oh, I-" I choked, "That um, that's my fault." I answered tearing up, "That was my favourite picture. I- I was looking at it on Friday, right- right after Ben passed away." It was easy to see the sympathy form on the man's face, and I knew what he was about to do even before he did it. I had seen the look so many times before, but It didn't effect me as much anymore.

"Oh, I- I'm so sorry," He apologized.

"It's okay," I whispered, my eyes filling with tears, "This is what he wanted. This was his dream." Then the silence flooded into the studio and no one said a word.

"Miss?" I snapped my head up, meeting the man's eyes, "Your brother. He was an amazing artist, and I'm honored to have his work displayed here."

"Thank you." Was all I could muster out. I closed my eyes, pushing back the tears. Ben didn't want me to cry anymore, and I wanted to be happy, for him.

"Come on Lilly," Miley nudged me and I remembered where we were headed before this detour. I sighed and told the man that I would come back later, but that I had important things I needed to do. He nodded, understanding, and then me and Miles gathered back into the car. She started it and I got comfortable, preparing for the drive. It was by no means, a long drive there, but it wasn't in Malibu, so it wasn't going to be some quick in and out like I had wanted. Miley really was the greatest friend ever for doing all this for me.

The sun was starting to set when we finally reached our destination. It was a large white house with a long driveway. The numbers next to the door read '763' and the mailbox had a very distinct name spelt on it. I stepped out of the car and onto the curb. Miley stopped a few houses away, thinking it would look odd if we just pulled right into their drive way. I grabbed a plain white envelope and held it tightly in my hand, taking a deep breath. Miley nodded to me encouragingly, and then I shut the car door and began towards the house. I walked slowly up the driveway and up to the front door. I was worried about what they would say, if they said anything at all, but finally, I pushed back my thoughts and rung the door bell. It didn't take more than a few minutes before someone answered.

"Hi there..." It was Kevin. I was glad that neither Joe or Nick had answered because I was afraid they might have recognized me. He watched me awkwardly, probably for any signs that I was going to jump and scream like a fan girl at the chance of meeting them. Instead I stayed silent, presenting the letter. He looked at it, confused for a moment. When he looked up at me, I smiled reassuringly, almost as if I was saying 'it's okay, you can take it.'

"Thank you," I whispered horsely, smiling as he took the letter from my hands, "So, so much." And then I walked away. No goodbyes or explanations. I just left Kevin Jonas at his doorstep, confused and holding onto my letter. There wasn't a reason to say anything else. I didn't even know if they were reading my letters, but it had still helped me so much that I felt the need to personally thank them.

When I reached the car and jumped in, Miley patted my arm lightly. She didn't have a clue what I had just done, nor why I had done it, but she still supported me. Before I knew it, the car was in drive and we were headed back home to Malibu. The silence in the car was too much for me, so I reached forward, turning on Jackson's radio and tuning in to the nearest station.

"Joe Jonas! Your on air with 102.8!" Was the first thing that came from the radio. I closed my eyes at his name, taking in a deep breath. I listened as Joe tried to tell the announcer that It wasn't a good time, but the man insisted and Joe finally agreed.

"So it's been everywhere in the news. Just who is this _Elle_ that Kevin mentioned?" The announcer asked. I had remembered hearing something about this from somewhere, but it was all very vague to me. As I listened to Joe say that Elle was was a pretty cool girl, I noticed my heart sink just a little bit. I had become so close with him as Lola and subconsciously, I was a little bit jealous. It was true, I liked him. He had been so amazing to me throughout everything with Ben and I couldn't help but notice how wonderful he was.

"So why did Kevin spill the beans and not yourself? What made you reluctant to tell the press?" The announcer asked. It seemed like he was definitely pushing Joe's buttons, and I could already hear that Joe was getting aggravated. However, I didn't expect in the slightest what came next.

"Shut up!" Joe had yelled, "Her name isn't even _Elle_. She's not some legally blond, spend four hours in a hot tub, kind of girl! Her name is _L_. The letter, _L,_ as in Lemon, or Lime, or Lilly." When I heard my name mentioned, my heart beat picked up and my eyes widened just a bit.

"And she's absolutely amazing. She writes the most beautiful letters, and she's passionate and deep and I care so much about her even if she doesn't know that I know who she is. And yeah, you heard me right, she doesn't know that I know her, and _no_ I'm _not_ a stalker. She writes letters to the stupid fan mail, okay? And she doesn't have an address or a name, just _L._ And all I know is that she's the most incredible person, and-" By now my breathing had stopped and my hands were shaking. I hadn't ever thought that they were really reading my letters. It had always just been a way for me to release my emotions and to find comfort in thinking that there was a possibility that someone understood me. Never once did I think that Joe Jonas would be falling for my words.

"And that I love her." My entire body halted at that phrase. My eyes closed shut and the air around me was sucked into my lungs. But the idea that he loved me wasn't what shocked me most. What scared me was that I realized that I might just love him too.

**A/N: This took forever, but I'm soo happy with it. I hope you liked it. Also, _three_ chapters left. Any _minor_ details you'd like me to include? Would you want a Loe Kiss at the end? Also, I can't decide. Should the last two chapters take place at _Ben's Funeral_, or the _art gallery's viewing_ that feature's Ben's painting of himself and Lilly? I'm leaning towards the latter, but tell me what you think!**

**Review please! It would be so awesome if I reached 100 before chapter twelve.**


	12. Chapter 12: Joe

**A/N: I am in awe of the reviews. Seriously. Thank you so much for getting me _over_ my goal of 100. _j0nas0bession0verload, _your review especially touched me. Thank you so sooo much. And I doubt I'm the most amazing writer ever, I'm just doing something I love to do and I really didn't think I was that good. Considering this is only my second chapter story, I'm just in awe that people actually really like my writing and want to read it. You shouldn't be honored to read this, I should be honored that you actually want to.-- On another note, I'm not sure about this chapter. It seems very dialogue-y to me. I hope its up to par with everything else. Enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: Don't own.**

These Words

Chapter Twelve: Chasing the Unattainable

I could honestly say my ears were nearly bleeding from the constant ringing of my cell phone. It hadn't stopped going off since the night before when I'd done the stupidest thing I had ever done. I had confessed to the world about _L._ Stupid Nick and his words of 'wisdom' that made me do idiotic things. So back to this phone. It was still ringing, loud and clear, but I refused to turn it off. Last night had been the worst though. Kevin had flipped out on me and slept downstairs because he insisted that he could still hear it 'buzz' on vibrate. But the off button was not an option, I wasn't going to miss Hannah's call.

Speaking of Hannah, it had been a full day and not once had I heard from her. She had promised she would call me with as soon as she heard anything, but yet she hadn't. To say the least, I was getting worried. Thats an understatement actually, I was pretty much ready to pull my hair out and head over to all the Malibu hospitals to find out how Lola was. She was an important person to me, and I couldn't take all this not knowing. To say the least, if something even more serious came out of this, I didn't know what I would do.

I chucked my phone at the wall as it continued to ring the standardized ring tone. I was getting so sick of hearing it. When all the calls started flooding in, I had changed my ring tone to the basic ring for unknown callers, that way I would know when someone important was calling. Like the idiot I am, I had picked up the first few calls that came in instantly after the radio interview. If it wasn't obvious, it was the press. How it had gotten around so quickly was beyond me, but man, these people were persistent.

"You still haven't shut that thing off?" Kevin walked into the room. I hadn't left my bedroom since yesterday morning. It was getting kind of stuffy in here, but I didn't want to go and face anyone.

"No..." I mumbled into my pillows. It was about noon, but I was still tired. I hadn't gotten much, if any, sleep because of the constant calls and the fact that I had kept myself awake waiting to hear from Hannah.

"Why not?" Kevin asked, "You know they're going to keep calling, right?"

"Because," I sighed, digging my head further into my pillows, "Hannah promised she would update me on Lola."

"Oh..." Kevin answered, "Have you heard anything else? Is she okay?"

"I don't know yet," I told him, pulling my head out of the pillow. It was pointless for me to even try and get some peace and quiet. Never mind that Kevin was disturbing me, but the phone just would not shut up. When I leaned up, I saw Kevin sitting cross legged on his bed holding a blank envelope. I curiously watched him rip it open and pull out a letter. His eyes traced over it, his own eyebrows furrowing like mine.

"What is it?" I asked, leaning forward slightly.

"A letter," He told me, looking up. I shrugged at him and his eyes reverted back to the clean white paper.

"Listen to this," He told me, taking a deep breath before reiterating the words, "_It's over and I'm finally finished. I've closed this open book, titled it and put it prominently on display for all to see. I'm not ashamed, I will always remember and look back on these moments."_

My body was frozen as I listened to the almost lyric like words come from the page and through Kevin's mouth. This was something I knew so well, something I had held on to for so long and something I had wanted so much. These were her words. I didn't need to see her beautiful writing, or her signature to know it was her. The feelings printed down on paper were all I needed to tell me who it was. I had taken into consideration the amount of fans that would imitate her work, but nothing could ever compare. There was only one person who could touch me this deep, and it was definitely her.

"Stop." I cut him off. My eyes were wide and my breath was caught in my throat, "Who... Who wrote that?" I watched as his eyes traveled down to the bottom of the paper. I waited for 'Elle' to escape his lips and I knew that once he said it he would know, and I would be reassured.

"It says..." He read it over, "Lilly." My body wouldn't move. Her name. Her name was Lilly. I had a name to her words, and I had to say that her name was everything I had ever thought it would be. A common name, for a normal girl, but something that was unique too, because she was anything but ordinary to me.

"Lilly..." I whispered to myself. My eyes closed automatically and I placed her name to the image I had created of her. It fit perfectly and I listened to my thoughts as they repeated the voice I had become accustomed to thinking was hers. She was everything I had ever wanted and everything I would ever need.

"Kevin.." I looked up, he nodded at me, still confused, "This.. this is her."

"...Who?" Kevin asked.

"Elle. _L_, its _her,_" I told him, "The girl I told you about." Kevin's eyes lit up a moment later when he realized. If it wasn't for my outburst on the radio yesterday I would have had to go into a full explanation on the _Elle_ vs. _L_ issue. At least the interview had proved useful for one thing.

"This is her?" He asked and I nodded.

"Wait," I asked, my forehead creasing, "Where did you get that from...?" My voice trailed off suspiciously. The only way I had ever gotten her letters was if I went to the post office myself or the night Dad had brought home the fan mail bags. As far as I knew, we didn't have a hefty bag of mail in our kitchen, nor had Kevin ventured off to the post office specifically to get them.

"She- Lilly?" He told me. He seemed to question himself on her name for a moment, "She dropped it off," My mind raced. She had been to our house? On my front doorstep, so close, and yet I hadn't been there. Maybe if I hadn't been so concentrated on my phone, or stayed in my room so long I would have been able to catch her leaving it in the mailbox or wherever it was that she had _dropped it off_.

"Joe?" I looked up. Kevin smiled at me. He stood and walked over to stand tall above me. His hand held out the letter to me and I took it from him, looking it over. "By the way, she really is beautiful. I'm sure you'd like her." When he uttered this sentence my eyes immediately shifted back up to him.

"Wha- What?" I asked, my eyes scrunching up, "You've-? You mean-?"

"She delivered it personally." He told me, patting me on the shoulder and walking back towards the door.

"Kevin! Kevin, wait!" He stopped in the doorway as I hopped off my bed, "What- What does she look like?" I asked. He turned back to me, leaning in the door frame. I was so eager to know exactly who she was. It wouldn't really matter if Kevin told me she was the mirror image of a sumo wrestler, though.

"Exactly like you told us," Kevin admitted, "Long blond hair, and a set of gorgeous blue eyes." Unconsciously a smile was forming on my face as I listened to Kevin describe her. She sounded absolutely perfect, just like I already knew she would be. I could feel my heart swelling just a little and I could have been the spokes person for 'hopeless romantic' people united by the look on my face. She had had me since the beginning.

When Kevin left the room, he left me with my thoughts. My phone was now on silent, and I figured that I could spend just a few minutes in complete quietness before I turned it back on. I didn't want the ringing to interrupt me, even if it was Hannah. If she did call, the second I checked my missed calls and saw it was her I would be dialing her number. But for now, I was in silence, sitting on my bed with the letter in one hand. All I had heard so far was what Kevin had told me and I wanted to read more. I wanted to get to know her even better than I already did. I _wanted_ to continue falling for her.

I pulled the folded letter open, scanning my eyes over the writing like I did every time. The words were formed just as beautifully and the emotion leaked off the page. My eyes darted down to her new signature and I traced my fingers over it. _Lilly_. I could definitely get used to it. I let my eyes wander back up to the top of the page and I let my hands shake as my eyes followed the words, reading them.

_It's over and I'm finally finished. I've closed this open book, titled it and put it prominently on display for all to see. I'm not ashamed, I will always remember and look back on these moments. I could never regret what I've done and I would never take back one single second of it. This chapter of my life was a difficult one, but it is one that leads into something so much more. Everything in life is connected, and just when I had thought my web had fallen, I realized I was attached to it more than ever. It has brought about so many things, and I'm coming to terms with everything around me. I've cleared my debts, but I will never stop learning from them. I will never forget these feelings and these words, and the sincere help they have given me._

_Every moment is so short and small, but yet so life defining. They can make someone, and break someone, and I believe I have been both. Being broken is just another lesson in life, another obstacle to accomplish, another chance to pick yourself up. This is what makes a person strong, and this is what makes me who I am. And now, I'm whole. I never really was missing anything. Just because I couldn't see it, didn't mean it wasn't there, and it will always be there, watching and waiting, taking care of me forever. I'll never really be alone, no one ever truly is, because there is always someone for you. It's just up to you to see these people, to know that they're there for you and to know that everything really is okay. _

_And as I close this book, this chapter, this moment, I will not cry. I've cried so many times that I've run myself dry, but that's not the reason. I will smile, and I will live. I will go on and I will accept that what is done is done, but that it comes with a price. The price is the knowledge I have now. __Knowing that no matter what happens, I will come out with a smile and hold myself gracefully because I have everything I could ever need. I will be happy, and if not for myself, I will do it for him, because he gave everything for me. Because this was his last request and I will honor it._

_However, I must thank you. Although this is past me, it will forever live in my memories, and I owe this to you. These letters, whether or not you have read them, were my only companions. They are my feelings and my thoughts and an extension of myself. The feeling of having just one person in the entire world connecting with my absolute darkness is the only reason I kept going. You are what pulled me through, and I cannot thank you enough for this. You have helped my heart heal, and now, because of this, because of you, I have finally opened myself to the light. I've shed this darkness and I believe._

_Sincerely, _

_Lilly, forever and always-- Goodbye._

My heart was clenching by the time I had finished the letter. This one was unlike the others, this one was directly meant for me. My eyes ran over everything over and over again until I reached the very bottom. The last word. _Goodbye_. She couldn't really mean goodbye, could she? I had only just found out her name and this was it. It was impossible for me to hand my heart over to someone and then never see them, meet them, even read their words ever again. I couldn't give up and I surely couldn't let Lilly go. I needed to do anything and everything to find her.

I stood from my place on my bed and knelt next to it. I propped my mattress up, pulling out all of her letters and then returning to my place. Spreading them out across my bed I looked them all over one by one trying to make any connections. I was looking for just about anything that could link me to her. At first nothing was making sense to me. Everything was so cryptic and metaphoric, detailing her feelings, but nothing more. I searched them over and over, until finally. There were three lines that clicked in my brain.

_Scenic beauty isn't all it's made out to be. Twenty seven miles isn't anything without you. In a place where the sun always shines and the stars are always circling, this complete darkness is so out of place._

Malibu. It was a long shot, but it was all I had to go off of. I could remember so many times seeing signs around the city. Signs that said '27 miles of scenic beauty'. They never meant anything to me before, but I was so glad I had remembered them now. If anything, the next line added more credit to my suspicions. In Malibu, the _sun always shines_, and the _stars are always circling._ The sun was most likely literal, but a closer look made me think different about the 'stars'. Malibu was celebrity central, and this pinpointed that idea.

Then finally, the end line was all the confirmation I needed. _If this is a way of life, it's a life I __don't want to live._ It instantly reminded me of the dozens of license plate frames I had seen. 'Malibu: a way of life'. The evidence I had gathered was pretty circumstantial, but it did make sense. At least to me it made sense. I wasn't sure if I was just desperate for answers that I was finding them in anything, or if I really was on to something, but I didn't care. This was all I had.

At least now I had a city, Malibu, but that wasn't enough. I could easily go to Malibu and search hi and low for her, but that would take forever. There were so many girls, and I'm sure there was bound to be more than one person with the name Lilly, or any variation of it. So I kept looking for absolutely anything at all. I remembered the _Ben_ on the envelope of the first letter, but I didn't think it would really be much help so I moved right onto the second letter, trying to decode it.

For a while I just stared at it, unable to find anything. The first letter had been so full of hints that I'd given myself so much hope. The second letter, however, wasn't giving me any clues no matter how hard I looked at it. I picked it up off the bed, looking at not just the words, but the letter as a whole. I turned it over, glancing at the backing and almost missed the small print at the bottom. In the tiny black ink in the bottom right hand corner on the back of the letter read:

_Malibu General Hospital- Doctor Margaret Weston_

The second I read it, I jumped up. This was more than I needed, this was a place and a name. It was clear that _Lilly_ had a reason to be at the hospital, and that she had most likely spent enough time there to have the time to write a letter on their personalized paper. I re-read the last line of her second letter, -_I miss you, and I want you to come home-_, and yet another thing clicked into my mind. She had been writing to Ben, and she was in a hospital. Remembering her last letter, I was reminded that these words were an outlet for her feelings and the first thing I could think of was that maybe, just maybe, _Ben_ had been the one hospitalized.

"Kevin!" I yelled, jumping from my place on the bed and gathering the letters in my hand, "Kevin!" When I flung the bedroom door open Kevin was standing there, huffing. Apparently he had run all the way upstairs when he'd heard me screaming for him.

"What Joe?" His eyes were wide and his hand was on his chest, catching his breath.

"Kevin, you gotta drive me somewhere," I insisted, pushing past him, trying to get my shoes on as soon as possible. By the time Kevin reached the main floor, my shoes were on and I was eagerly standing at the front door. I must've been a ball of energy because I was bouncing from one foot to the other.

"Where are we even going?!" Kevin asked, looking at me very oddly.

"Malibu General Hospital." I told him quickly, watching as he slipped on his shoes. Not even a second after they were on his feet, I had opened the door and bolted to his car. I began trying to open the passenger door, but it was locked, so I just jiggled the handle impatiently.

"Is this about Lola?" Kevin asked, walking out the door and unlocking the doors with the unlock button on his key chain. When I heard what Kevin had said, I almost wished it was about Lola, because I was still so worried about her. By the time I realized that I had left my phone on silent in my room, Kevin had almost started pulling out of the driveway.

"Wait! I forgot something!" I yelled, and by impulse his foot jammed on the break. I jumped out of the car, running into the house and past Nick to my room. Grabbing the phone, I raced right back past Nick, but he stopped me before I could get out of the house.

"Where are you going in such a hurry?" He asked as I tried to shove past him.

"The hospital," I answered in a rush.

"I'm coming," Nick immediately answered, probably thinking I was talking about Lola. He slipped on a pair of Vans and followed me out of the house, jumping into the back seat as I took shotgun.

The ride to the hospital wasn't long, but it seemed to take forever. Keven was concentrated on driving and Nick was quiet in the back, so I hadn't explained to either of them. Though, I don't think they thought to ask for an explanation since they thought this was about Lola. However, I still hadn't heard from Lola, and Hannah _still_ hadn't updated me. I felt horrible putting her on the back burner for just a little while, but I needed to find _Lilly_. I needed to find the girl who had had me on edge in such a small amount of time.

The second the car pulled into a parking space, I had the door open and I was running. I didn't even bother to wait for Kevin or Nick, but I could hear them following me shortly after. The only time I slowed down was when I was nearing the doors. I wanted to make sure they were automatic before I ran face first into them. When they slid open, I sped up again, racing through and slamming into the front desk. As I caught my breath, Kevin and Nick came up next to me, panting.

"Where's-," I sucked in air, "I need to see Doctor Weston." The woman didn't even look up from her desk to greet us. She simply typed the name into her computer and looked up the information we'd need.

"Her office is on the second floor, section C room 284. When you exit your elevator, go to your right, past the general waiting room, and then left at the first hallway."

I didn't wait for anything else, instead I took off. The elevator couldn't come fast enough, and when it did, it took much too long to get to the second floor. As soon as the doors opened, I went to go down the hallway, but Kevin stopped me.

"Joe, slow down," He said, "You're going to wear yourself out."

"This is important," I insisted.

"I know it is," He sighed, "I want Lola to be okay too. It's not just you."

"No," I groaned, "This- ugh, this isn't about Lola!" Before Kevin could question me anymore, I had shoved past him, running down the hallway. I almost got lost, but I remembered the directions that the lady at the front desk had given me. Turning left at the first hallway, I slowed to a walk, my eyes racing across the numbers until I finally came to 284. Before I could register anything, my hand was knocking furiously on the door. Eventually the door opened, and I had been so concentrated that my fist had knocked on air a few times.

"Can I help you?" A middle aged woman was standing before me. She had the usual doctor attire and a clipboard in one hand.

"Are you Doctor Weston?" I asked. She nodded, "I'm looking for Ben." The smile she had previously had on her face immediately faded. Her lips inched downwards into a slight frown, and her eyes became lighter, almost sad, sending me a sympathetic look.

"I'm sorry," She told me, "He passed away on Saturday morning."

"I- What?" I asked, confused.

"Yes. He was in a coma for a little over a week. His sister-," She paused, sighing, "Lilly, she took it very hard. Were you and Ben friends?"

"Oh- Um. Kind of," I answered. It was somewhat a lie, but I had known Lilly, so it had some ounce of truth to it, "Where- Um, Were can I find Lilly?"

"She was released this morning. I'm sure she's home by now." The doctor told me. I contemplated asking her for their address for a moment, but that would most likely lead to me looking like a complete stalker. Plus, She had already been kind enough to trust me and tell me about Ben, and I'm sure giving out personal information was against Patient confidentiality rules. So instead, I just sighed, thanking her, and making my way back down the hallway. Kevin and Nick rushed towards me with confused looks but I shrugged off their questions.

"I was so close," Was the first thing I said as the three of us waited in front of the elevator.

"What?" Nick asked, turning to me.

"Lilly," I answered, and Kevin nudged me. I looked up to him and he nodded, silently asking me about it.

"I looked at her letters again," I explained, "To look for something, anything, to find her. I found this..." I dug through my pockets, presenting the letter to Kevin, "Look on the back." When he turned it over, I pointed to the bottom. After he read the line, he looked up to me.

"And?" He asked.

"Nothing. Dead end." I sighed. The elevators dinged open and I exited, walking back through the front doors and towards Kevin's car. I could hear Kevin explaining the situation to Nick as they walked up, but I ignored them. I pretty much ignored the entire world around me until something finally cut through. It was the sound of my phone, except it was different this time. It wasn't the generic ring tone, it was a musical one. It was one that I had specifically set to someone special.

"Hello?!" I answered, fumbling with my phone for a moment.

"Hi Joe," Her voice came through. The same loopy smile that had been on my face when Kevin had described Lilly was back again.

"Lola!" I exclaimed, "Lola, are you alright? I- You- I was so worried."

"I'm okay now," She told me. I could feel her smile on the other line, "I'm sorry I worried you."

"It's- I mean- Just- I-" I stuttered. I didn't know what to say to her. I was so relieved that she was alright, but then again, what do you say to the girl you love that almost passed away. Nothing seemed to match the feeling that I was feeling right now.

"Don't worry about me," She told me, but I cut her off.

"I want to," I said. The second I said it, it sounded stupid to me, "I mean, I care about you so so much." Too obvious?

"Thank you," She breathed. Neither of us said anything for a few minutes, and it was silent on the line. Kevin and Nick were looking at me from inside the car because I still hadn't gotten in. I was running things through my head to break the quiet, but she beat me to it.

"My brother- He died on Saturday," She told me. She didn't cry or sniffle once. She sounded sad, but it was more of an acceptance on her half.

"I know," I whispered, "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," She assured me, "Just because he's not alive, doesn't mean he's really gone. He's always with me."

"You just have to look in your heart," I mumbled. I wasn't sure where it came from, but it felt like the right thing to say.

"Yeah..." It was barely audible. "Joe?"

"Yes?" I asked. When I said it, my eyes automatically went from the ground to the sky. The sun was high in the sky and it was hardly past four in the afternoon.

"Will you do me a favor?" She asked hopefully.

"Anything for you," It came out without a thought.

"There's a viewing at this art gallery tonight- The Black Iris. Will you come? It's- It's important to me."

"Yeah. Yeah, of course I will."

"Thank you so much, Joe. It's at eight. I really appreciate this. It means a lot to me."

"Well, _you_ mean a lot to me." Did I sound too forward? She paused on the other line and I panicked a bit, worried that I'd said too much.

"Joe, I-," She cut herself off, "I'll see you tonight, okay?"

"Yeah..." I answered. She had sounded like she was going to say something else, but changed her mind at the last minute. What could she have wanted to say? It didn't matter- Hopefully she would tell me in time.

"Goodbye, Joe." Her voice cut through my thoughts. When I closed my eyes, I could see blond hair and blue eyes, and before I realized what I was saying, I had answered her back.

"Bye Lilly," And then the dial tone.

**A/N: Just two chapter's left. If it isn't obvious, they will be taking place at the _art gallery_. Today's question is about the Nilly that will be posted shortly after I finish this. Well, kind of. For the new story, I want to know what you think about the updates. Do you like the quick updates? Or would you rather have more time in between?**

**Review Please!**


	13. Chapter 13: Lilly

**A/N: Reviewers: Seriously, you are amazing. The _best_ ever. At the end of this chapter, I'll be replying to a few that I seriously 'awh!'ed at. You guys are so touching and encouraging, really.-- Anndd, Next chapter is the _last_ chapter, and then this is over. I'm going to try and make this short, but I sincerely hope you enjoy the chapter, and I hope you've like the whole story thus far.**

**Disclaimer: Don't own.**

These Words

Chapter Thirteen: The Curtain Closes

It was late Sunday night when I'd finally made it back to the hospital. Despite the numerous amount of doctors as we made our way down the hallway back to my room, we weren't caught. Opening the door to my room, I unzipped my hoodie. I motioned to Miley and she waited outside while I changed back into the stiff hospital gown and crawled back in bed. When she entered back into the room we both got comfortable for a moment, getting ready to play out our well memorized scene.

"Ready?" She asked and I nodded, closing my eyes. I let my body go limp and tired. I set my eyes to have an empty confused look in them.

"Okay, I'll be right back," Miley told me, and I listened to her shoes tap across the tiles. I knew the doctors and nurses would be rushing in soon after Miley told them that I had 'woken up'. What they wouldn't know was that it would be for the second time. Miley had promised not to tell anyone that I had snuck out of the hospital earlier that day, and I trusted her. For the first time since the last Friday, I truthfully trusted someone.

Minutes after Miley had left, Doctor Weston had rushed in and ushered Miley out. That night they did so many tests, but I knew I had to deal with it. It was my own fault for putting myself in this position in the first place, but I wouldn't give it up. Because of my stupid mistake, I had found the safety and the comfort I had been looking for all along. I had my last seconds with Ben and that was all I really needed. I needed him to tell me it was okay for me to keep going, I wanted to know that he would be fine. And now that I knew, I was moving forward with my life.

After the doctors had tested me, just to make sure I was clean of the cocaine and that there weren't complications, they let me rest. For the first few hours I just laid awake in bed, doing nothing. I fiddled with my blanket, letting thoughts run through my head. Because of everything I had done that day I hadn't had a lot of time to just let everything sink in. I thought about how relieved I was that both Miley and Max had forgiven me for the way I had acted. I smiled when I remembered the art gallery. Ben would have been ecstatic if he had been here. I just hoped that I would be able to get out of the hospital in time to be there. Then finally, I let my mind drift to the last part of my day. When I had dropped my letter off at the Jonas' house, I had truly felt like it was _goodbye_-- for _Lilly_, at least. However, now after coming to realize my own feelings for the boy who had dug my words so deep into his skin, I didn't want to go. I wanted to hold to him, hold on to the way he made me feel.

He just had a way about him. The smile that made you want to smile, and the hug that made you want to stay in his arms forever. His jokes, however corny or lame, still made you laugh and I jut couldn't get enough of them. Even as Lola he had always been there for me. The very first night we met, he had been concerned when I'd gotten the call. I could still feel his hand on my arm, warm and comforting. The smiles we'd shared still remained in my memory and even if I hadn't known it then, I knew it now. I had fallen for him, so, so hard. And I embraced it.

But in the same way I felt the ease, I also felt the fear. I was afraid to care for someone so much again. I was afraid to get hurt, to fall back. When Ben had died yesterday my whole world had fallen apart, and the idea that someone could have that effect on me again just terrified me. I didn't want to get too close, but I couldn't let past experiences stop me from living my life. _He_ wanted me to live, and he wanted me to be happy. That's all I had to remember, that no matter what he was always with me and that I hadn't really lost him. I had to remember to keep living, to keep loving.

By four am I had finally let myself get some sleep. It was a restless sleep, but sleep none the less. I had woken up again at around eight to the nurse with my breakfast. I had refused it, even though I hadn't eaten since Saturday, and turned over to sleep again. This sleep, however, was much more satisfying. With all my thoughts off my mind I managed to fall into a dreamless rest and woke up again much later, a little after noon. After one last test, Doctor Weston let me call my mother to pick me up from the hospital. However, when the doctor left the room to give me privacy for my call, I only sat there. I lied when she came back in, asking if my mother was on her way. I signed the few papers she needed me to and then left her office, telling her I was 'meeting my mom'. I did nothing of the sort.

My feet carried me down to the intensive care unit, following a path I knew well. When I opened the door to a familiar room, it was empty and smelt of cleanliness. It didn't look like the same room I remembered it to be, with the boy in the bed and me in the empty seat net to it. I moved forward, tracing the ghost footsteps I had been leaving all week long. My hands on the bed felt intrusive, but welcomed at the same time, and I hauled myself up. I allowed myself to stay seated in this room, breathing in the air, taking comfort in sitting where he had been for so long. By now it was a almost one thirty, and I had no intention of moving any time soon.

As I sat there, I didn't think- Only breath. I breathed every breath he would never breath again, and I let my heart beat every beat his had missed. My eyes closed and my body found itself leaning backwards, my head finding itself on the stale pillow. My fists grasped the sheets and I pulled them just a little closer to me, breathing, just breathing. I wasn't sure how long I stayed there in a thoughtless state. Everything had been blank, and I had just laid there, doing nothing but live. Doing the only thing he hadn't been able to.

When my eyes finally opened, it must have been at least an hour later. The first thought that ran through my head was that I still had more things I needed to do. Lifting myself from the bed, I patted the sheets out and said a final goodbye. I stood near the door, looking around the room that I had spent so much time in and shut the light off, officially letting myself some closure.

Following the same path I had taken to reach the room, I backtracked to Doctor Weston's office. I stood there silent for a few moments, hoping she was there and not with a patient. I brought my hand to the door and knocked. She opened it immediately, giving me a questioning look.

"Lilly?" I nodded, "You're still here?"

"Yeah..." I whispered, "Can I talk to you?" I felt so small and tiny compared to her. I felt awful for the things I had said. She opened the door wider and I walked in, sitting in one of the chairs in front of her desk. She came around sitting in her chair opposite me.

"What is it?" She asked, her kind eyes directing themselves as me.

"I'm sorry," My voice cracked, "For what I said." Her eyebrows furrowed and I took it as a sign to explain. "For when I called you a liar and everything. I- I-"

"It's okay sweetie," She smiled, her arm reached across the desk to grasp mine, "I understand that it's a hard thing to deal with. It's okay, apology accepted."

"Thank you," I mumbled, looking down.

"Someone was looking for you," She told me, and I lifted my head questioningly, "Just a few minutes ago, One of... Ben's friends." When she said his name, her genuine smile turned to one of sympathy. I noticed it, but didn't let it get to me. I knew she was only trying to be kind.

"Oh?" I asked, "Who?"

"I'm not sure," She answered, "He was about Ben's height, with dark hair, dark eyes. He might've been here before, I thought I recognized him. He just left, you might be able to catch him at the elevators..."

"Okay. Thank you," I smiled, lifting myself out of the chair. I walked slowly out of her office, but once I was in the hallway, I began to run. From the end of the hallway I could see three guys standing at the elevators, just getting ready to walk in.

"I was so close..." The voice drifted to me. It reminded me so much of someone I knew, but that wasn't a shock, since he was _Ben's friend_. I must have known him from somewhere.

My legs kept going, taking me faster towards the elevator. I got closer and closer, and I could hear their voices talking, but I couldn't understand much. I skidded to a stop right in front of the doors, closing my eyes painfully as they closed the last millimeter. My body slumped against the wall and I let my breath catch up to me. _I had been so close_. I turned to the side, pressing the down button, waiting for the next elevator as I pulled a bag off my shoulder. It was the same bag that Miley had brought me yesterday with my clothes and belongings in it. I pulled my phone from it, scrolling down the list until I saw Miley's name. As the empty elevator next to me opened, I stepped inside, calling my best friend. The reception wasn't great, but I could still vaguely hear her when she answered. She greeted me, and I did the same before asking her to pick me up from the hospital. She said she would, telling me that she'd be there in fifteen minutes or less. I could only say 'okay' before I told her I'd be waiting in the parking lot for her. Then, as the elevator doors opened, I hung up.

I held my phone, slowly walking out of the hospital's front exit and sitting down on the large rocks put at the entrance for decoration. Why they _decorated_ the hospital was beyond me, but I was grateful I had somewhere to sit that wasn't the ground. When I slid open the sidekick, several notices came up. I sifted through them, noticing one main one that made me smile.

_17 Missed Calls: Joe Jonas _

When I saw that he had called so many times, it felt only right to call him back and put his mind at ease. I was sure by now that he had heard of the trouble I had gotten myself into. He must have heard something from Miley at least, considering I had stormed out on Friday, not even getting much of a chance to talk to him. I pressed the call button, and it didn't take long for him to finally answer.

"Hello?!" I almost had to pull my ear away from the phone. I took a few seconds to smile again. His voice just had the ability to do that to me. To make me smile, to make me relax.

"Hi Joe," I answered him in a quiet voice. It was quiet, but I was sure the happiness came through.

"Lola!" He yelled "Lola, are you alright? I- You- I was so worried." My smile only got bigger. He was concerned. I bit my lip, trying to stop the lopsided smile from forming on my face.

"I'm okay now," I assured him. The smile just continued to get bigger, and I almost felt a little guilty for being so happy outside of a hospital. "I'm sorry I worried you." I told him genuinely. I felt bad that I hadn't called earlier, but I had had some more important things I needed to take care of first.

"It's- I mean- Just- I-" He sounded flustered, like he couldn't decide on what to say. I wanted to laugh at how he stuttered, but I fought it down.

"Don't worry about me," I told him. It made my heart beat a little faster at the thought that he actually cared for me, even as Lilly, who he hadn't known, but I didn't want him to worry. I was okay- I was better now.

"I want to," He answered immediately. He paused, then added on, "I mean, I care about you so so much."

"Thank you," Was all I could spit out. It sounded stupid and as if I couldn't return the statement, but that was far from the truth. I was just afraid that if I said anything else I would start saying things I didn't want to let out just yet. He didn't answer back and I couldn't think of anything else to say. It was obvious he had heard that something had happened to me, but I didn't know if he had heard of the overdose or if he was just worried about me going missing after Friday. Had Miley clued him him?

"My brother- He died on Saturday," I told him, cutting the silence. I took in a deep breath, my eyes automatically closing and waiting for him to speak to me. I needed to hear his voice. I needed to smile again before the thoughts of Ben drifted back to me and threatened to break me down. I needed him.

"I know," He whispered, "I'm sorry." It was almost inaudible, but I heard it. I drew my strength from it, and I remembered what Ben had said. To be happy, and to remember that he was always going to be there.

"Don't be," I answered, "Just because he's not alive, doesn't mean he's really gone. He's always with me." I voiced what I had just been thinking.

"You just have to look in your heart," I heard him say. My breath caught in my throat as the image of Ben holding his fist over his heart came to me. It was then that I knew that Joe was exactly who I needed, and would always need beside me. The hole Ben had left in my heart could never be filled, but Joe could certainly help to heal it.

"Yeah..." I could barely get anything out. There was silence for a second until something came to me, "Joe?"

"Yes?" He answered immediately.

"Will you do me a favor?"

"Anything for you," I felt my heart flutter when he said it, but I focused on my next question.

"There's a viewing at this art gallery tonight- The Black Iris. Will you come? It's- It's important to me." I knew now that I would have to tell him I was Lilly. I hoped he wouldn't be mad, but I needed him next to me tonight. I needed him to hold my hand and put that smile on my face. I needed him to make me feel like everything in the world just _fit._

"Yeah. Yeah, of course I will." I smiled. I breathed in deeply, thankful that I had him to lean on.

"Thank you so much, Joe. It's at eight. I really appreciate this. It means a lot to me."

"Well, _you_ mean a lot to me." My breathing almost stopped. The smile just slipped off my face, not because I wasn't happy though. I was just shocked, stunned. I wanted to tell him. To tell him that I cared about him, that he meant so much to me. To tell him that I _loved_ him.

"Joe, I-," But I couldn't. Not as Lola, "I'll see you tonight, okay?" I asked him, watching as Miley pulled into the parking lot in Jackson's car. I stood from the rock, dusting myself off.

"Yeah..." He answered back, just as Miles stopped the car next to me.

"Goodbye, Joe." I told him, stepping over to the passenger side door. I pulled my phone from my ear, sliding the phone down just as he said something. I figured it was just a simple goodbye, so I shrugged it off, getting into the car.

"Hi Miley," I greeted her. She smiled at me and I tried to do the same. I found that I couldn't smile a real smile anymore without Joe's voice in my ear. The forced smile faded away, but Miley didn't seem offended. She just leaned over and hugged me before starting the car up again.

"Will you come with me?" I asked her, and she took her eyes off the road for a second to glance at me, confused.

"To the gallery tonight..." I specified, and she, of course, immediately agreed, saying that she had Hannah clothes that we could wear. I didn't think it mattered if we were all dressed up, but she insisted that it might get my mind off things. I obliged, and she drove straight to my house, where we spent an hour telling my parents about the gallery. Neither my _mom_ or _dad_ questioned me about leaving the hospital yesterday and taking Ben's paintings to The Black Iris, they just said that they would be there no matter what.

We arrived at Miley's house at around quarter to six. She dragged me up the stairs to her Hannah closet. She flung open the doors and hugged me again, telling me I could wear whatever I wanted. At first I couldn't find anything that I felt was appropriate. I didn't want to wear her high fashion dresses that ended where a _belt_ should go, or her boots that went up to my knees.

"Lilly?" I heard Miley say from behind me. I turned around from her rotating clothes rack and found her standing at the closet doors holding a dress.

"I want you to wear this," She told me, passing it lightly over to me. I silently looked up to her. It wasn't anything like any of her other dresses, that honestly, looked pretty tacky. This one was a dark red wine, almost burgundy, coloured dress with a sweetheart neckline. It had an empire waistline and ended about a hand's width above the knee. It was perfect.

"Why?" I whispered, taking it into my hands and continuing to look it over.

"I bought it a while ago and thought it was perfect... I wanted to wear it to a special occasion whenever one came up, but, " She said as I continued to trace my eyes over the material, "I want you to have it."

"Miley, I-" I tried to give it back, but she insisted.

"No, Lilly. This is more important to you than anything I could have ever worn it to."

"...Okay," I croaked, and she led me to her washroom, telling me to put it on while she found the shoes she had bought with it. I watched myself in the large mirror, placing the dress up to my body to admire it before putting it on. It felt perfect in all the right places and flowed around my legs gracefully. When I looked into the mirror, the eyes that had always stared back at me weren't dull and lifeless anymore. They were _Lilly's_ eyes. They were passionate, and spontaneous, and silly, just like I remembered them to be. The smile on my face wasn't a forced one as I fingered the loose material around my waist. In this dress, I felt beautiful, and special, and _alive._

"Miley?" I called to her, opening the door. She ran into the room, dressed in her own outfit, with a pair of black flats with a little bow on the top. She stopped mid run when she saw me and smiled.

"You look gorgeous," She told me, walking closer and passing the shoes to me. I slipped them on, and then stood tall in her full length mirror. She didn't let me stay there long because she led me over to her vanity, sitting me in the chair, and proceeding to do my hair and makeup. I didn't have the heart to stop her. I didn't really care what I looked like at the viewing, because I was there to support my brother. I wasn't there to look like eye candy. I was there to close the door on this part of my life, and I was there to remember what I would never forget.

By seven thirty I had stepped into the Black Iris. The lights were dim, setting the mood in the gallery. I walked past the front office and into the main hallway where Ben's paintings were hung. The pictures were all equally spaced out along the long wall, each of them having their own space. As I walked down the line of paintings, I counted only fourteen. My eyebrows furrowed, and as I looked over them again, I noticed the one of me and Ben was gone. I turned around, hearing the sound of footsteps behind me and saw the man I had seen yesterday.

"Where's the other one?" I asked, and he smiled. He extended his arm to the smaller wall on the opposite side. It was now painted black with splashes of colour, as if someone had just tossed paint onto it. In white at the very top had Ben's full name, under that was both his birthday and the day he passed away. In the middle was the portrait. The lights that hung from the ceiling directly in front of it were all angled to point on the picture, illuminating it beautifully.

I tore my eyes away from the wall, turning back to the man. I smiled gratefully, "Thank you," Was all I could say. I tried so hard not to cry, but I couldn't help but at least tear up at the sight of it.

"Lilly?" He asked, and I nodded, "Would you mind saying a few things... you know, about Ben? I know that isn't the usual for an art viewing, but..."

"Yes, of course," I agreed. He tried to apologized for asking me on such short notice, but I didn't need to prepare anything anyways. It wouldn't be hard to explain what a great person Ben was. It wouldn't take much to explain how much he had meant to me, and how much he always would.

When eight o'clock rolled around, the gallery was full. It was full with everyone I had expected to see, except for one person. Joe had promised he would be here, and yet it was eight and he was no where in sight. I watched the door for several minutes, just waiting, until the man, who had introduced himself as Derek, came up with a microphone and asked me to say a few words.

I made my way up to the picture of me and Ben, stopping in front of the wall to watch the many people who had gathered around it. I listened for a minute, making myself small, hearing them talk about what a beautiful painting it was, and how talented he had been.

"Ehem," I mumbled into the microphone. I could hear my voice come out louder through the seemingly invisible speakers. The music that had been playing before quieted down to a dull tune and all eyes turned to me.

"Hi," I squeaked. I caught Miley's reassuring gaze in the crowd and cleared my throat again, "Um- I'd like to thank you all for coming. This- This is something really important to me. These paintings," I paused, smiling and lifting my hand to gesture to them all, "These paintings are really important to me. They're important if only because the most amazing person I have ever known painted them. His name was Ben. He was my brother, and I can't even express how much he meant to me. You know- you kind of just had to know him." I looked back at the picture of us, still smiling, before turning back to the 'audience'.

"He- He died Saturday night after being in a coma for nine days. Those nine days were the worst days of my life. Those nine days will _always_ be the worst days of my life because I had thought I had lost him. But I didn't, not really. He's still here, and he lives on in his art work. The passion, the fire, the drive- It's all here, hanging on these walls, forever hanging onto my heart." By now, a couple people that were close to Ben were nodding, a few had a tear or two in their eyes, but I only smiled. I smiled for him.

"He had a smile that was contagious, that just made you want to smile. Eyes that made your heart melt, and a hug so tight that I never wanted to let go. I never thought I could find that in anyone else, but now, I can see it in the world around me. I see everything that I had always missed, and I see the beauty that he had always seen. It's amazing how something so tragic can bring out the best in everyone." I let myself pause for just a moment. In the background, I could hear the door to the gallery open. No one seemed to notice it but me. My eyes shot over to the room's entrance and I smiled when I saw _him_. He may have been a little late, but he came.

"It's amazing what you can see when you find that one thing to believe in."

**A/N: _One_ more chapter. EEEEP. I'm so excited to finish this. When I first posted it, I didn't think I would get much of a response, but you guy have been _amazing_. Here's a couple of personalized replies to some of you that really touched me with your reviews.**

**brookieebabbyy: Firstly I just want to say thank you _so much_. I'm honestly, really, really, glad you like the story, and it just made me happy to hear that I _captivated_ you. That's an honor. And Awhh! You don't know how big a smile I smile when someone tells me they actually cried reading my words. That's just... wow!**

**jonasxbrothersxluver: Thank you, thank you, _thank you._ Times a million. Awh, I would never consider myself _book worthy_, so that's just. EEP. Big smile. And really, I'm not that great a writer, but I'm so happy you like reading my words. I especially loved the "Big Fan" comment. I've made you a big fan of my work with only one story? Your toooo kind, because I know I'm not _that_ great.**

**Stylin'Fire: Awh! That was super nice. People _strive_ to be as good as me? Thats like, the ultimate compliment. Thank youuuu. **

**Nazgurl92: EEP! By no means is my story perfect and amazing. But I'm beyond happy that you like it that much. Thank you times a billion and one.**

**And to the rest that I didn't personally reply to: Thank you, thank you, thank you. You have no idea how happy it makes me to see a review. It's so encouraging to hear that people actually want to read this and that I'm not just writing it for myself. And believe me, my writing is far from amazing. I'm just floored that you guys are liking this so much. Thank you to infinity for the compliments. You guys are awesome.**

**Ps. This is Lilly's dress: www dot urbanbehavior dot com/canada/en/images/product -underscore- full/33187 dot jpg -- if it doesn't work, tell me in a review, and I'll add the link to my profile.**

**Question time! Next chapter I'm thinking of adding a preview of the untitled Nilly's first chapter. Would you like me to add it in?**


	14. Chapter 14: Joe

**A/N: Fourteenth and _final_ chapter. It's a little shorter than normal, but I really hope you like it. Thank you so so much to everyone who reviewed, you guys are honestly so amazing. So I'm dedicating this chapter to those of you who've stuck with me from the very beginning. It was an honor to have you read this. But enough of me,-- Enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: For the last time, _No_.**

These Words

Chapter Fourteen: Only You

I was anxious. My hands had run through my hair enough times to last a life time in the last few hours. I flattened it, and then shook it, and then repeated over and over, just trying to get the right amount of flatness and poofyness. It had to be perfect, but it couldn't look _too_ perfect. But my hair was always perfect, so I didn't see why it was rebelling against me now. Not when I needed it most. At least Kevin wasn't banging on the door, so I wasn't distracted.

I had gotten home from the hospital and sat around for a while, doing nothing but think. I couldn't help but come to terms with the fact that this would be the end of the road. If I hadn't been able to find Lilly at that hospital, it was likely I would never find her. All I knew was that she was somewhere in Malibu, and sure, I could kid myself and say I could search the entire city for her, but I wasn't up for giving myself false hope. I had hoped for too long and too hard for me to keep hoping and have nothing come out of it. Besides, maybe it was better this way. If I never met her, she wouldn't have to live up to the image I had created. I wouldn't have to be let down when I realized she wasn't the unique person I had pictured. But however hard I tried to let go, she would always have an attachment to me. I would always keep her close to my heart.

Breathing deep, I looked over my clothes again. Lola had said it was an art gallery viewing and I had no clue what to wear. Despite being an international rock star, I couldn't remember ever stepping foot into an art gallery. I was nervous that I would look out of place if I dressed either too casual or too formal. I didn't think Lola would really care if I stood out, but I didn't want it to be obvious that I hadn't any idea what I was doing.

"Do I look okay?" I asked, popping into my room to find Kevin laying on his bed. He looked over his glasses and rolled his eyes at me. Unconsciously my hands rubbed together, waiting for his answer.

"You look fine Joe," He mumbled, putting his eyes back into the same book he had been trying to read all week.

"Really?" I asked, looking down at my clothes, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, Joe," He insisted, not even giving me a second glance. My body slumped a bit when I realized that Kevin wasn't going to be any help. He was good to go to with girl problems, but definitely not for fashion advice.

"Nick!" I yelled, walking towards his room. Before I could even walk in, like I usually did, his door opened. He was standing there, arms crossed, leaning on the door frame. What a weird kid.

"What Joe?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Do I look good?" I asked, ruffling my hair. Nick almost burst out laughing at me, and I immediately stopped.

"I'm not going to tell you if you look _good_, that's weird," He shook his head.

"Fine," I rolled my eyes, "Do I look _okay?_ Better?" I asked.

"You look fine," He finally answered after looking over my outfit.

"What?" I asked "That's what Kevin told me! You guys are no help," I glared, grumbling at him. How was I supposed to know if I was over dressed or under dressed or if I had an odd hair sticking up if all anyone would tell me was that I looked _fine_. I didn't want to look _fine_, I wanted to look damn good. Even weirder than Kevin and Nick's identical answers was the fact that I was even questioning myself. I _always_ looked good. Didn't I?

Instead of asking for more advice from my apparently non-responsive brothers, I made my way back into the bathroom. I stared into the mirror, just watching my own eyes. I leaned over the counter, getting closer until my face was almost right up against the reflective surface. I sighed, continuing to look at myself. On the outside, I looked exactly the same, but on the inside, I had changed so much in the last week. Well, not so much changed. I just..._grew._ I found the things I had been searching for for years, all with the help of a few simple letters.

Oh, who the hell was I kidding? _Simple_ letters? Far from it. This girl, Lilly, had dealt with something as serious as death. She herself had apparently been in the hospital, too. How someone could pull something so touching out of a situation was amazing. To go from complete and utter darkness to finding the light in such a situation was something I wasn't sure I would ever be capable of. But still, something inside of me had gotten a little deeper. I had always had faith, and hope, but there was just something extra there now. Something extra that _she_ had put there. Something extra that I never wanted to let go of.

There was a newfound strength and a great understanding resting in my heart now. The way I connected with her just instilled her thoughts in my heart. It wasn't a bad thing either, it was something I whole heartedly embraced. To know the deepest parts of someone's soul, to be with them every step of the way, to help them recover from something so painful was something I would never forget. She would forever be under my skin. I didn't think I would ever go a day again without thinking of her at least once. Love wasn't something that could be easily let go of.

And I had to wonder, did she know I loved her? She had to have known by now because it was _everywhere_. Even if she didn't know, she would find out eventually, and I could only hope she would start sending me letters again. Because, whether or not I wanted to admit it, I needed her. I needed her words, or I'd go through life just wondering who she was, or where she was, or what would have happened if I had just pieced it together a little bit quicker. I'd always wonder what it would have been like if I had her.

"God," I mumbled to myself, "I'm so lame." I dug my hands into my hair, closing my eyes and leaning back against the wall. I couldn't imagine how I looked to the world. A rock star falling in love with a girl through her words. Words that hadn't even been directly meant for me. But still, I would never give it up.

"Are you talking to yourself Joe?" Kevin's voice drifted through the door as he knocked lightly.

"No!" I denied it, looking at myself one last time in the mirror before opening the door. Kevin was standing there, fiddling with his car keys. I had asked him earlier if he would drive me to the gallery at eight and he had agreed.

"Ready?" He asked, looking up, shaking the keys a little to indicate that we should leave soon. I nodded, walking out of the washroom and closing the door behind me.

"Yeah," Was all I mumbled, walking past him and down the stairs. I had gotten dressed in a pair of dark wash skinny jeans and a dress shirt. I didn't want to look too formal or too casual, so I had settled on something in between, thinking I'd blend. I slipped on my shoes and Kevin tossed me his keys to unlock the car and wait for him, so I did.

As I sat in the car, I started to wonder what the whole art gallery deal was about. I had never known that Lola was a fan of art, but the way she had asked me said something much more. This viewing had been _important_ to her, so there must have been a reason other than her appreciation of good art. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I didn't see why I should. I didn't know all the silly details of Lola's life, and I was guessing that perhaps this was one of them.

And then a thought came to me that made me smile. This had been _important_ to her, and it had meant a lot, and yet she was willing to share it with me. I could feel the wings beating in my heart, my smile growing bigger just as I thought about her. I could see her eyes, her smile, and most importantly, I could see myself next to her. I could see myself putting the smile on her face, and the spark in her eyes. I could hear her laugh, and I could imagine the corny joke I would have told just seconds before. I could feel her hands in mine, and I realized that she was someone I could honestly see myself with. She was someone I could love entirely.

It never occurred to me that I was only nineteen. People say that young love never does last, but in the last week, I had learned that we had no control over time. Young love may not last for some, but with the years, days, hours and minutes that were like sand through an hour glass, I realized we had to take advantage of the time we _did_ have. You had to make it last for as long as you had left, because you could never really know when time would be up. You had to love while you were young. Love for those that never got the time, or the chance to.

"Joe?" My head snapped over. I was sitting in the passenger seat and Kevin had just climbed into the car. He was looking at me, confused, with his eyebrows furrowed.

"Yeah?" I asked, nodding to him. He tilted his head a bit, looking at me suspiciously.

"You okay?" His eyes squinted at me just a little more.

"Never better," I answered honestly, grinning. Sure, I felt extremely confused, and still down at the idea that I had lost Lilly, but I couldn't deny the obvious happiness coursing through me. It was impossible for me to do anything else except smile. That was probably why Kevin kept giving me odd glances throughout the entire trip.

Getting to Malibu had been both a short ride and rather easy. We'd gone the route so many times in just one day that Kevin could have done it blind folded. However, getting to the Black Iris was proving to be a much more difficult task. Neither of us had any idea where it was and I had tried to call Lola several times, but she hadn't picked up. Unfortunately we had left just on time to make it to Malibu with ten minutes to spare. Those ten minutes, plus more were being wasted away trying to find the studio, which seemed to be some sort of ghost art gallery.

We'd driven around the downtown area at least twenty times, going in a circle, Kevin's gas money going down the drain. I'd seen the same Chinese restaurant twelve times, but still there was no art gallery.

"Kevin," I looked over to him just as we were going past the restaurant for the thirteenth time, "Stop, I'm going to ask someone," He did as I asked and I quickly ran into the Chinese place. Turns out the art gallery was on a little side street off of Main, the same side street we had been passing for at least twenty minutes. When I jumped into the car and told Kevin we had immediately set off there. It didn't take long until we pulled up in front of a dimly lit building with 'The Black Iris' in fancy lettering above the door. I thanked Kevin, getting out of the car and running towards the building. I could hear a girl's voice coming from inside and I instantly freaked. I was so late.

"Kevin!" I yelled, running back to the car. Kevin raised an eyebrow, silently asking what I needed.

"Kevin, come with me," Kevin rolled his eyes and hopped out of the car, coming around to stand next to me. He pushed me forward, making sure I didn't chicken out again. I felt awful, Lola had counted on me and I couldn't even manage to be here on time for her. She had wanted to share part of her life with me and I had been stupid enough to forget to ask for directions. And now I was about to interrupt the entire.. viewing?

I tried to open the front door as quietly as possible and Kevin slinked in after me. The atmosphere was dark almost, but calming. There were soft piano tunes playing lightly in the background and the entire studio was lit only by the painting spotlights. I instantly got that feeling as if I was sitting in front of a warm fire. Just the warmth and comfort was surrounding, hanging in every inch of the air. I took a deep breath in, relishing in the feeling this place gave me before Kevin nodded towards the entrance to the main hall. The two of us edged forward, the wood floors squeaking underneath us as we walked into the room. There was a crowd of people gathered around a single painting and thankfully no one seemed to notice us. No one except her.

"That's her," Was all I could hear. The only thing was that I wasn't the one who said it. My head whipped over to Kevin who was standing wide-eyed next to me.

"What?" I whispered, my eyes flickering with confusion.

"That's her. Lilly. The girl that dropped off the letter," When his words hit me my head snapped back to the girl at the front of the room. The only problem I had with what Kevin had said was the fact that this girl was unmistakably Lola. I had seen Lola's hair change so many times, orange to green to pink, from long to medium to short, that I could recognize her anywhere. It was her eyes that gave her away. Her eyes and that amazing smile. Time seemed to freeze as I took in the entire scene around me.

She was standing there with a smile to melt my heart. She was wearing a wine coloured dress that fit her perfectly in all the right places and a pair of simple flats. Her head was tilted a little to the side and her eyes were boring into mine. The way she looked at me, I could practically see straight into her soul. I could feel everything she had ever felt, and it was like I was thinking every thought she had ever had. To my knowledge, there was only one other girl who could make me feel this exact way and Kevin had almost confirmed it.

My eyes stayed connected to hers, neither of us daring to look away. The seconds felt like hours as I stood there, watching her every move. Subconsciously my eyes trailed over her, and then to the wall behind her. In large white letters the name _Benjamin Joel Truscott_ were painted. Underneath was a birthday and then next to that was Saturday's date. It was then that everything hit me like a wall of bricks.

_"They think she might... She might slip into a coma like Ben did..." _

_"I'm looking for Ben."_ _"I'm sorry, He passed away on Saturday morning."_

_"She was released this morning. I'm sure she's home by now."_

_"My brother- He died on Saturday,"_

_"There's a viewing at this art gallery tonight- The Black Iris."_

_-__But the __B__lack Iris continues to sit empty without your life and your colour. If only they could truly see what they were missing. If they could only see how how dead they are without you.-_

I thought back to everything, remembering and finally connecting it all. Everything seemed so obvious to me now and I couldn't believe that I hadn't noticed it sooner. When I looked into Lola's eyes I could see the same blue eyes I had always imagined for Lilly, and I knew now why Lola's voice had always reminded me of the letters. Lola was Lilly. Or Lilly was Lola? And if I still had a shred of doubt left in me, the next words that I heard her say completely cleared it from my mind.

"It's amazing what you can see when you find that one thing to believe in."

Thats when I knew. I knew that I had found the one thing I thought I had lost, but ironically, I found her in the one person who I had tried so hard to keep close. I had never really lost anything at all, she had always been so close to me, even closer than I had thought. Lilly had always been an arms length away and all I needed to do now was reach out to her, to take her hand and pull her to me. Finally this search was over and finally I'd found the soul behind the words.

"Lilly?" The whisper escaped my lips. When she heard me say her name I saw the smile on her face. I didn't think about anything except the happiness that came to me just knowing I had put it there. Just knowing that I had made her happy, and that's all I ever wanted to do and that's what I wanted to keep doing until my time ran out.

"Hi Joe," She whispered back just as quietly, stepping through the crowd. I was sure that the entire world dropped at that moment, leaving us in complete eternity. There was only us and nothing else to get between us. No more searching, no more not knowing, nothing but inches of air that kept me from her.

"Or...Lola?" I asked, my head dipping down a little and tilting.

"Both," She admitted, smiling, she grabbed my hand and turned me back to the portrait, "This," She breathed, "This is my life. Lola is... Lola's Hollywood." I could only nod, taking in the complexity. She truly was both the normal and yet completely un-ordinary girl I had always imagined. She was everything I had ever been looking for, everything I had ever wanted. Not even, she was better. She was what I never knew I needed, but now that I had her I could never let go. There would be no one else.

The two of us were quiet, just watching the people linger throughout the hall. I hardly even noticed that my hand was still in hers. It just felt natural that way. It felt like that was the way it was supposed to be.

"That's Ben," She whispered to me, looking directly at the picture on the only black wall in the entire gallery, "He's the one that painted all of these." When she told me this, slowly my head turned, taking in all the different pieces, but her eyes still remained connected to the one in front of us. She smiled softly at it and I felt my heart give out for her. Every word from every letter came rushing back to me and I just wanted to fix all the pain. I wanted to be there every step of the way.

She tugged my arm lightly, smiling, pulling me down the longer row of paintings. She stopped to admire each of them, and I could see the sadness lingering in her eyes. She really did miss him, but I admired her for finding a way to keep going. I admired her for staying so strong.

"Lilly?" I asked. The soft, gentle tune of the piano in the background almost drowned out my voice because I had been so quiet. She looked at me with her amazing blue eyes, the ones that light up the deepest parts of my own soul. She just had a way of reaching into me and finding things I had never known were there.

"Yeah?" She barely breathed.

"You said," I paused, thinking back, "That it was amazing what you can see when you find that one thing to believe in," She turned me, the heart warming smile still ever present. She nodded, telling me to continue. "What do you believe in?" She answered me without hesitation, only stopping to turn towards me.

"Love." She smiled, and I felt her hand squeeze mine.

"Oh," I mumbled, "...What do you see?"

This time she paused and I became nervous. She turned her head, looking at the painting on my left and letting the smile slip off her face. She took a deep breath in, trailing her eyes over the picture until they reached the very bottom, where a word was painted in bold black cursive writing. It was an amazing portrait of Zuma beach, even if it was unfinished.

Her eyes turned back to me and I expected to see the hints of darkness in them. Instead I could only see true life, and a look that told me that she had never been more certain about anything than what she was about to say. Her hand dropped mine and she looked up at me, biting her lip.

"You. Only you." It was all I needed to hear before my hands found their place on her face, pulling her lips to mine. This is what I had been waiting for, searching for. This is what made me want to live, to hold on forever. These were the words that made me love her.

Fin.

**A/N: It's finished. Awh, I'm so sad to see it go. I hope the last chapter ended things nicely. Only question today is what you thought of both the chapter, and the story as a while. Also, I have a **_**brand new Nilly**_ **story up called 'Anyone But You' :) If you enjoyed this story, please check it out.**

**Also, in honor of this being the very last chapter, It would be super awesome if everyone could leave a review and tell me your honest opinion. That would be fabulous. You guys are honestly the nicest reviewers ever.**

**Ps. If anyone is looking to co-write a story with me, I'm interested. :) PM if you have ideas/are interested.**


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